BushFaith

BUSH ADMINSTRATION PROPOSES NEW RULES FOR FAITH-BASED INITIATIVE

By Gloria R. Lalumia

Washington, July 10…While President Bush ignored reporters’ questions, White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer faced inquiries about the latest proposal involving “faith-based” initiatives.

Fleischer denied reports that the Bush Administration will allow the Salvation Army to ignore local laws banning discrimination against gays if such organizations receive federal monies. Currently, the Army receives $300 million in taxpayer funds. The Bush White House is willing to let the Army bend the rules in exchange for the Army’s efforts to help push Bush’s “faith-based” initiative plan.

Fleischer did admit that the Bush Administration is considering following the lead of the Afghanistan Taliban, which recently received $45 million/billion (“WHATEVER,” as Jenna Bush would say) from the U.S.

“The Taliban has created a very effective “faith-based” initiative,” said Fleischer. “Not only have they succeeded in relegating all women to the home, they’ve also discovered a very cost-efficient means of identifying Hindus.”

“Placing a ‘scarlet H’ on clothing to identify Hindus was a stroke of genius,” crowed Fleischer. “We are proposing that all homosexuals in the U.S. be identified in the same manner to help religious groups discriminate against homosexuals after they receive their checks from the government. Of course, the “H” would stand for ‘homosexual,’ not ‘Hindu!’” chortled Fleischer. Fleischer went on to say that the Administration was willing to “reach out” to entertain an alternative I.D. system if warranted. “We realize there may be Hindu homosexuals, so the H may not be as clear in its meaning as it should be. Perhaps we could use a “double H” in these cases.” Fleischer said that Administration officials were open to using a “G” for “gay” but preferred the more formal “H.”“It’s part of our effort to bring dignity back to Washington,” said Fleischer.

Fleischer said that at this time there was no consideration being given to publicly identify Native Americans. “There are so many tribes, it would be cost prohibitive to identify each and every cult…I mean, tribe. We could go with the generic “I” for Indian, but then, we might confuse Hindus, many of whom are Indian Indians, with Native American Indians. It’s a problem we would have to examine closely. In the meantime, the Administration is perfectly satisfied with its current program of opening up sacred Indian lands for drilling.”

Fleischer also said that thanks to God, black people already could be easily identified and would need no new I.D. mark. “That will save taxpayers literally millions and millions of their hard-earned dollars!” according to Fleischer, although he said some funds were still being diverted toward efforts to perfect disenfranchisement methods for use at the polls.

Many reporters wondered how Fleischer, a Jew, felt about the new Administration I.D. plan. “I have absolutely no problems with it at all,” he said. “Hey, Christopher Hitchens says there never was a Holocaust. After all, he’s Jewish, too, and he despises Bill Clinton, so who am I to argue with Hitchens?”

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