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Abuse page contains harsh language! Do NOT visit if you are offended easily!


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animpsychoRN



Hello,

I'm Psycho Nurse. Have you ever entertained nurse fantasies that involved buxom beauties passing out the latest pain killers, enemas, or sponge baths? That's precisely why I've gone psycho! I'm so tired of all the nursing stereotypes that most of you unimaginative perverts come up with. I've been a Med/Surg/Oncology Nurse for the past 15 years (and am now working in the ICU), and I've seen too much death and suffering to cater to your lame sexual fantasies. If you're expecting me to be nice to you just because you're a flirt or because you think you're the best lover in the world, you can just take a nice long gulp out of this bedpan.

bdpn

If you're sincerely a nice person I'll know it and as long as you maintain the type of respect you'd give someone you care about, we'll get along just fine. If, however, you're one of those typical spuds that believes everything you've seen in those disgusting movies you rent when your wife or mother is out of the house then I'd like to schedule you for a Sigmoidoscopy with Dr. Longfinger.

fngr

P s Y c H o N u R s E

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PsychoNurse


Have you ever had one of those questions you'd LOVE an answer to, but were just too embarrassed to ask? Well Psycho Nurse is here to your rescue. Please keep in mind that any advice that Psycho Nurse dispenses is purely satirical and not to be taken as medical fact. Psycho Nurse would likely ask you to do a thousand and one horrible things to your body (like eat your vegetables, quit drinking, get up off your ass and exercise, etc. . . .). Always keep in mind that if whatever condition you're complaining of is causing any type of problems you should check with your health-care professional.


animamb
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Dear Psycho Nurse,

I wonder if the medical costs of having a latex dildo removed from an anal canal could actually run as high as 1.5 million dollars? Perhaps I should explain. I beat criminal assault charges filed by my husband for having put Superglue into a jar of desensitizing anal lube I found in his briefcase before he went on a business trip, but he's suing me in civil court now and claims that it cost him 1.5 million in medical costs to have the latex dildo unSuperglued from deep in his anal canal (that must have hurt). Get this for icing on the cake, I put itching powder on the inside of the harness thingie that the rubber dildo was attached to, and guess who's secretary signed in with a skin rash on her crotch within fifteen minutes? Ya gotta help me out sis!

I. Fuctimgud, Shreveport. LA

Dear Reality-Challenged (that's what they make everyone call us here. It's not nice to say psycho) Nurse,

I've got a little problem that I just can't talk about to anyone. I've got this boil on my ass. It didn't start out very large, but now it's about the size of my thumb. What really worries me is that it's starting to look like Richard Nixon. Not only that, the really scary part of it all is that it talks to me on Friday nights. I don't know why only on Friday nights, but that's the only night it does anything other than sit there and wiggle those little jowls. It doesn't seem to know that it's not human, and it doesn't seem to act like Nixon, but it does have a vast knowledge of 60s and 70s football teams and players. This has obviously raised some serious psychological and theological questions for me. I used to be a fundamentalist Christian until L'il Dickie (that's what I call him now that we're friends) left me fearing a lot more than just God. Please help me.

Helmut Flickenbooger, Shady Rest Institute for the Reality-Challenged

Dear I . . .

You certainly did screw him good, Irma. This is almost even better than the Lorena Bobbitt thing. I'm surprised that he even had the guts to admit he had the thing up his ass. Most men would probably just bear it and write off the constipated feeling as part of being Republican. Seriously though, his surgery may easily have cost that much depending on the locale, the doctor and what type of operation was used to correct his DELICATE problem. I guess you could have called this an Adatubetome. Good luck!

PsYcHo NuRsE

Dear Helmut,

You certainly aren't reality challenged because of that boil. I met a girl from Del Rio, Texas who had a boil on her underarm that looked exactly like Lawrence Welk. It wouldn't talk or anything, but on rainy nights it would wink and count, "A one-a, a two-a . . ." and this eerie music would fill the air while Stacy's little "Welky" would twitch those dark hairs that formed the single eyebrow over it beady little eyes while it jerked that little bump of a chin to and fro in time with the music. It was the weirdest thing. As for your being institutionalized, I checked into your records and you're in there for repeated instances of public nudity. You should have thought twice about that, Helmut. People didn't even want to see Nixon naked, what makes you think they'd want to see you?

PsYcHo NuRsE

Yo Psyco,

I got somthing for you! *unziping and droping my pants and parting my lether overcoat to show you somthing youll never forget*

Bad Boy

Psycho Nurse,

I just wanted to say that I'm a first year nursing student and I think you're a disgrace to the nursing profession! How can saving lives and making people's last days more comfortable weigh on you so heavily? You are doing the Lord's work and that alone should be enough to get you through any day!

Elma Jeane McGilicutty, Student Nurse

Bad Boy,

Oh, I get it. It's just like a penis only smaller!

PsYcHo NuRsE brain

Dear Elma Jeane,

Whoever said, "Show me a doctor who hasn't lost a patient, and I'll show you a Podiatrist," could easily have said, "Show me someone who doesn't appreciate a coping mechanism and I'll show you a first-year nursing student." Don't come preaching to me about how satisfied I should feel for doing the Lord's work (if indeed it is) until you've gotten at least ten years on the job under your belt. Only then might you appreciate the irony of hard-edge facts like the waste of teen suicide happening alongside the death of long-term teen patients who finally succumb to the disease that has wreaked havoc on their short lives. Who could walk away unscathed from a workplace where those two things along with births, dismemberments, terminal illness, psychological illness and physical trauma gathered on a routine basis? I guess it boils down to choice, Elma (something I'll bet you're not comfortable with). You can let it get to you, or you can visit my web pages and laugh at things most other people don't like to think of.

PsYcHo NuRsE


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Thank you Sally for "letting it slide"
and giving me this award! ~grins~

(7/5/00)




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