Narration of all events are by The Squirrel, conducted in a timely manner with
no pun intended, but solely for the entertainment of readers.
An ASS by a Nose
Here it was, a Cumulus
cloud filled sky in the quiet, sleepy village in Columbus, New Mexico which is
situated on the Sonoran Desert in the southwest, very near the Mexico boarder. It was in this same
village where on March 9, 1916, the soldiers of General Francisco
"Pancho" Villa attacked and which was the last war to be fought on American
soil and where the tank was introduced to tank warfare.
So what was the occasion of the festive atmosphere within the community at
7:30 AM on April 1, 2000? A gala event was to take place whereby a female
Mammoth ASS would challenge her strength, endurance, and cunning ability
against the World Champion male standard ASS in a duel to a marked finish
line in the Middle of Main Street. The ASS that crossed that line first
would become in this 20 mile endurance run across the desert enivorment
the fastest ASS in the southwest and thus attain all KickASS Rights until the next annual race.
An assortment of spectator ASSES were gathered at the start of the race. You
had both male and female Mammoth, Standard, and Miniature ASSES encouraging
their
favorites and name calling. All kinds eeee awwww, eeee awwww,Heeee Hawwww,
Heeee Hawwww, HEEEE HAWWWW AND HEEEE HAWWW sounds could be heard in the background
which translates into DumbASS, SmartASS, MissASS, KissASS, BlackASS, QuickASS, PissASS,
and ShitASS trying to discredit a rival.
The Squirrel had never heard of all the variations of different types of ASSES.
The race got off without a hitch and the spectators left to enjoy the period
of time until
the return of the racing asses.
Both asses carried a judge, a weight of no less than 160 lbs to assure that
all rules and regulations were met, so at presentation of the winner, the judge
would receive a belt buckle attesting his ASS had held up, and the loser
would receive a pat on the ASS with "A BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME".
It's time we meet the contestants.
First off we have the reigning world champion, Isaac. This old codger
is a crusty,
shifty, crafty
15 year, gaunt, old Standard ASS weighing approximately 600 pounds
who has packed huge loads of supplies through revines,
gullies, and crevasses. He has endured the grueling harshness of desert
enviroment,
the blizzrds and snow in the mountains, but always retaining his work ethnic.
He is an ASS that has scraped all his life trudgeing though unmarked territory
never knowing where he would eat and sleep next, but never complaining.
Now let's meet the challenger Lotti, a true female mammoth ASS coming from
a long line of BlueASS heritage. A real SmartASS being educated in an ASS
finishing school. A fine specimen of a mammoth ass weighing at approximately
850 pounds. Her major work has consisted of family outings where she was
required to pack the picnic basket. A new breed of ASS heritage where she
never in wants for three hot's and a cot. A real 1:00 PM to 3:00PM lady
that is always bitching and complaining.
Not being biased, but old Issic will have her tuckered out in two miles.
They will have to go out and carry her in a wagon. Well, enough for the
backgrounds. Let's go out and catch the end of the race.