First, a Fact From The Revisionist Historical Society:

In 1988, The Revolutionary Council Declared

The Official Beer of the
Provisional People's Democratic Republic!

  

At last, a beer ad that tells it like it is...

THE BEST LIBERTY BARS...

  
Our favorite liberty bars were unlike no other watering holes or dens of iniquity inhabited by seagoing men. They had to meet strict standards to be in compliance with the acceptable requirement for a sailor beer-swilling dump.

The first and foremost requirement was a crusty old gal serving suds.

She had to be able to wrestle King Kong to parade rest. Be able to balance a tray with one hand, knock sailors out of the way with the other hand and skillfully navigate through a roomful of milling-around drunks. On slow nights, she had to be the kind of gal who would give you a back-scratch or put her foot on the table so you could admire her new ankle bracelet some "mook" brought her back from a Hong Kong liberty.

A good barmaid had to be able to whisper sweet nothings in your young sailor ear like, "I love you no shit, you buy me Honda??"

"Buy a pack of Clorets and chew up the whole thing before you get within heaving range of any gal you ever want to see again."

And, from the crusty old gal behind the bar, "Hey animals, I know we have a crowd tonight, but if any of you guys find the head facilities fully occupied and start pissing down the floor drain, you're gonna find yourself scrubbing the deck with your white hats!"

The barmaids had to be able to admire great tattoos, look at pictures of ugly bucktooth kids and smile. Be able to help haul drunks to cabs and comfort 19-year-olds who had lost someone he thought loved him in a dark corner booth. They could look at your ship's identification shoulder tab and tell you the names of the Skippers back to the time you were a Cub Scout.

If you came in after a late night maintenance problem and fell asleep with a half eaten Slim-Jim in your hand, they tucked your peacoat around you, put out the cigarette you left burning in the ashtray and replaced the warm draft you left sitting on the table with a cold one when you woke up.

Why?

Simply because they were one of the few people on the face of the earth that knew what you did, and appreciated what you were doing. And if you treated them like a decent human being and didn't drive 'em nuts by playing songs they hated on the juke box, they would lean over the back of the booth and park their soft, warm tits on your neck when they sat two San Miguel beers in front of you.

And the imported table wipe-down guy and glass-washer, trash-dumper, deck-swabber and paper towel replacer. The guy had to have baggy tweed pants and a gold tooth and a grin like a 1950 Buick. And a name like "Ramon", "Juan", "Pedro" or "Tico". He had to smoke unfiltered Luckies, Camels or Raleighs. He wiped the tables down with a sour wash rag that smelled like a billy goat's crotch and always said, "How are choo navee mans tonight?" He was the indispensable man. The guy with credentials that allowed him to borrow Slim-Jims, Beer Nuts and pickled hard-boiled eggs from other beer joints when they ran out where he worked.

The establishment itself: The place had to have walls covered with ship and squadron plaques. The walls were adorned with enlarged unit patches and the dates of previous deployments. A dozen or more old, yellowed photographs of fellows named "Buster", "Chicago", "P-Boat Barney", "Flaming Hooker Harry", "Malone", "Honshu Harry", "Jackson", "Douche Bag Doug", and "Capt Slade Cutter" decorated any unused space. It had to have the obligatory Michelob, Pabst Blue Ribbon and "Beer Nuts sold here" neon signs. An eight-ball mystery beer tap handle and signs reading:

"Your mother does not work here, so clean away your frickin trash."

"Keep your hands off the barmaid."

"Don't throw butts in urinal."

"Barmaid's word is final in settling bets."

"Take your fights out in the alley behind the bar!"

"Owner reserves the right to waltz your worthless sorry ass outside."

"Shipmates are responsible for riding herd on their ship/squadron drunks."

This was typical signage found in any good liberty bar.

You had to have a juke-box built along the lines of a Sherman tank loaded with Hank Williams, Mother Maybelle Carter, Johnny Horton, Johnny Cash and twenty other crooning goobers nobody ever heard of. The damn thing has to have "La Bamba", Herb Alpert's "Lonely Bull" and Johnny Cash's "Don't take your guns to town."  The furniture in a real good liberty bar had to be made from coal mine shoring lumber and was not fully acceptable until it had 600 cigarette burns and your ship's numbers or "F**k the Navy" carved into it. The bar had to have a brass foot-rail and at least six Slim-Jim containers, an oversized glass cookie jar full of Beer-Nuts, a jar of pickled hard-boiled eggs that could produce rectal gas emissions that could shut down a fraternity party, and big glass containers full of something called Pickled Pigs' Feet and Polish Sausage.

Only drunk Chiefs and starving Ethiopians ate pickled pig's feet and unless the last three feet of your colon had been manufactured by Midas, you didn't want to get anywhere near the Polish Napalm Dogs.

No liberty bar was complete without a couple of hundred faded ship or airplane pictures  and a "Shut the hell up!" sign taped on the mirror behind the bar along with several rather tasteless naked lady pictures. The pool table felt had to have at least three strategic rips as a result of drunken competitors and balls that looked as if a gorilla baby had teethed on the sonuvabitches.

Liberty bars were home and it didn't matter what country, state, or city you were in. When you walked into a good liberty bar, you felt at home. These were also establishments where 19-year-old kids received an education available nowhere else on earth. You learned how to "tell" and "listen" to sea stories.

You learned about sex at $10 a pop -- from professional ladies who taught you things your high school biology teacher didn't know were anatomically possible. You learned how to make a two-cushion bank shot and how to toss-down a beer and shot of Sun Torry known as a "depth charge."

We were young and a helluva long way from home. We were pulling down crappy wages for twenty-four hours a day, seven days a-week availability and loving the life we lived. We didn't know it at the time, but our association with the men we served with forged us into the men we became. And a lot of that association took place in bars where we shared the stories accumulated in our, up to then, short lives. We learned about women and that life could be tough on a gal.

While many of our classmates were attending college, we were getting an education slicing through the green rolling seas in WestPac, experiencing the orgasmic rush of a night cat shot, the heart-pounding drama of the return to the ship with the gut-wrenching arrestment to a pitching deck. The hours of tedium, boring holes in the sky late at night, experiencing the periodic discomfort of turbulence, marveling at the creation of St. Elmo's Fire, and sometimes having our reverie interrupted with stark terror.

But when we came ashore on liberty, we could rub shoulders with some of the finest men  we would ever know, in bars our mothers would never have approved of, in saloons and cabarets that would live in our memories forever.

Long live those liberties in WestPac and in the Med - They were the greatest!

"Any man who may be asked in this century what he did to make his life worthwhile I think can respond with a good deal of pride and satisfaction, I SERVED IN THE UNITED STATES NAVY."

JFK August 1, 1963

Scientific Proof that Beer is Good For You

Retirement Planning:

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00. With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, You would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan

To your health!

WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of  Water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are Consuming 1 kilo of poop!

However....... , we do not run that risk when drinking BEER (or rum, whiskey,vodka, wine or other liquors), because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

WATER = POOP

BOOZE = HEALTH

So, it is better to drink adult beverages and talk shit than to drink water and be  full of shit.
 

Of Course, there are many things that can go wrong whist drinking beer, so here is the
Official PPDRDG Beer Troubleshooting Guide

  SYMPTOM:  Feet cold and wet
  FAULT:  Glass being held at incorrect angle.
  ACTION:  Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

  SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
  FAULT:   Improper bladder control.
  ACTION:  Stand next to nearest Marine, complain about house training.

  SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
  FAULT:   Glass empty.
  ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another beer.

  SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
  FAULT:   You have fallen over backward.
  ACTION:  Have yourself lashed to bar (all sailors know the correct knots).

  SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
  FAULT:   You have fallen forward.
  ACTION:  See above.

  SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
  FAULT:   Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
  ACTION:  Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

  SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
  FAULT:   You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
  ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another beer.

  SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
  FAULT:   You are being carried out.
  ACTION:  Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

  SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
  FAULT:   Bar has closed.
  ACTION:  Obtain ride to dorm from friendly BIOT Police.

  SYMPTOM: BIOT Police Van takes on colorful aspect and textures.
  FAULT:   Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
  ACTION:  Cover mouth.

  SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
  FAULT:   You are dancing on the table.
  ACTION:  Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

  SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
  FAULT:   It's water.  Somebody is trying to sober you up.
  ACTION:  Punch him.

  SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
  FAULT:   You have been in a fight.
  ACTION:  Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

  SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
  FAULT:   You've wandered into the wrong party.
  ACTION:  See if they have free beer.

  SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
  FAULT:   The beer is too weak.
  ACTION:  Have more beer until your voice improves.

  SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
  FAULT:   Beer is just right.
  ACTION:  Play air guitar.
 

Translation Guide For Those Times When Your Little Head Is Doing All The Thinking...

 
"PHRASE"                              (TRANSLATION)
----------------------------------------------------------------
"Hello, Honeyko!"                     (Hello, Moneybag!)
"Kumasta Ka Na?"                      (How are you, future boyfriend?)
"You Boboy!"                          (You're a fat pig!)
"Miss na miss kita!"                  (I miss your money!)
"Mahal na mahal kita!"                (I love your money!)
"I come!"                             (Would you hurry up and come, I'm tired and I
                                        want to watch TV.)
"We go boom boom?"                    (I'd like to watch TV.)
"Where you staying?"                  (Where am I staying tonight? Does it have
                                        aircon, a minibar, and a nice pool?)
"Where you from?"                     (Where will you move me and my family?)
"What your job?"                      (I have a large family, so you better be able
                                       to support them!)
"Will you support me?"                (Will you support me, my Filipino boyfriend,
                                        our two children, and sixteen relatives?)
"You buy me ladies drink?"            (May I have 500 pesos, please?)
"You pay my barfine?"                 (May I have 1500 pesos, please?)
"You barfine my friend?"              (May I have 5000 pesos, please?)
"You cute!"                           (I'm cute, you're an ugly, bald slob)
"You handsome!"                       (You have some hair left, how nice!)
"You healthy!"                        (You're fat and your breath smells!)
"You kind man!"                       (You're a stupid fool who pays me too much!)
"You barfine me tomorrow?"            (Are you my gravy train?)
"You butterfly?"                      (Are you smart?)
"I'm 18"                              (I'm 16.)
"I'm 21"                              (I'm 32.)
"I work here four months only"        (I've been here for four years.)
"I work at [another bar] before"      (I was kicked out of [another bar] for showing
                                        up drunk and late every day.)
"I'm pangit [ugly]"                   (You're pangit).
"We go barhop?"                       (We need to stop at my friend's bars so I can
                                        show off.)
"We go dance?"                        (I want to dance with my friends while you make
                                        a fool of yourself.)
"I have one baby"                     (I've got stretchmarks under my shorts.)
"I have two babies"                   (My vagina is like a train tunnel.)
"I have no babies"                    (I have two babies but no stretch marks.)
"I no like blowjob"                   (Quiet, my friends will hear. Of course I'll
                                        give you a blowjob.)
"I no like Filipino men"              (I like Filipino boys.)
"I no like American men"              (My last boyfriend was American. He dumped
                                        me.)
"Up to you [regarding tip]"           (As much as you can afford)
"Up to you [regarding what to go/do]" (Take me dancing. Now, fat boy!)
"I Cherry Girl (alternate 1)"         (I haven't been fucked up the ass or in my
                                        ears or nose yet.)
"I Cherry Girl (alternate 2)"         (My Filipino boyfriend won't let me spend the
                                        night with a foreigner...yet. How much
                                        money do you have again?)
"I Cherry Girl (alternate 3)"         (I haven't screwed for a whole week and I had
                                        my VD test last Tuesday)
"I good girl"                         (I only go with other men for money)
"You're my only boyfriend"            (One more and I'll have a dozen)
"You hard on puuusey"                 (The 2" X 4" strapped to your ass chafed my
                                        thighs)
"I have menstruation"                 (Buy me drinks then get lost elephant man)
"I'm shy to you!"                     (Only if you pay extra will I leave the light
                                        on let you watch)

Don't forget to check out the Girls of Olongopo 1940s-1990s!
For those who remember the Angeles City, here's a page for you!

 And Then... You Marry Her and Take Her Stateside...
And You Discover:

• Your refrigerator is always full but you cannot find any food that you recognize.
• Instead of a dowry, you got the whole bill for the wedding and honeymoon.
• Most of the decorations in your house are made of wicker.
• You are expected to be able to read her mind just by watching her eyebrows move up and down and which way her lips are pointed.
• All her relatives think your name is Joe.
• The instant you are married you have 3000 new close relatives that you can't tell apart.
• Your house isn't really on fire, but there is a very charred fish right on top of the stove burner.
• All the desserts are sticky and all the snacks are salty...
• She eats her fruit with giant salt crystals and her fried chicken with ketchup.
• Even the ketchup tastes weird... very weird.
• You throw a party and everyone is fighting to chop the leathery skin off a dead pig.
• All your kids have 4-5 middle names.
• Your in-laws take 10 years to acknowledge your existence and to call you by something other than "that white guy".
• You try to call her up on the phone and someone tells you "for a while" and you want to know "for a while, what??"
• You are trying to go to sleep and she keeps asking for the comFORT'r, and you ain't got a clue what she's talking about.
• Your first Christmas present is some funny looking baggy see-thru shirt made out of leftover lace doilies.
• Your phone bills are all international and average 3 hours per call.
• She sweeps with something that witches usually fly around on.
• Her idea of classy, expensive champagne is Asti Spumante.
• The rice cooker is on 24 hours a day and uses up 50% of your electric and food budget.
• On your first trip to the Philippines, you have 18 giant boxes that weigh 1000 pounds each and your "carry on" luggage requires a small forklift truck.
• The same luggage is over filled with things that cost an average of 15 cents each like old magazines and M&Ms -- the worst part is when you get off the plane, the same stuff you've been hauling around half way around the world is available in every store in the airport for half the price!
• All her pajamas look like they were worn by the Dalai Lama until they got too faded.
• The first time she's pregnant you have to go out at 4:00 in the morning looking for some weird type of greasy sausages.
• You buy a new freezer so she can store 200 pounds of SPAM that was on sale.
• Everything in your house was bought on sale, even if you don't need it...as long as it was a "bargain" is all that matters.
• She gets really excited by sucking the fat out of pig knees.
• Your daughter gets her ears pierced when she's 2 minutes old but your sons are not circumcised until they turn 21.
• All your postage bills instantly double.
• You hire a Ya-Ya because your wife thinks you clean mirrors with soap and a sponge and the Ya-Ya seems cheaper than a divorce.
• The only "white meat" she likes is You, and that's if you're lucky.
• Her favorite sauce is called "patis," Americans call it turpentine.
• She actually thinks that bowling and golf and billiards are real sports and are more important than baseball and football.
• You were married 5 years before she explained to you that "ARAY!" doesn't mean "ooh, baby!"
• She prefers bistek to beef steak.
• Her idea of new upholstery is rinsing the bagoong stains out of the slip covers.
• She can eat and talk at the same time, in fact that's her specialty!
• She thinks that the American National Anthem is The Macarena.
• Her favorite meal is leftovers, her favorite fancy dessert is Jello mold and for something REALLY romantic, she'll offer you a halo-halo with 2 straws.
• You still don't know what's the difference between manong and manok.
• She and the kids are always saying "Daddy made utot" and you still don't know what it means but they think it's pretty funny.
• Other than eyebrow raising and lip puckering, her next most expressive form of communication is grunts and pssst's.
• She goes to the movies just for the AC.
• Her homeland has more Megamalls than islands.
• Before every holiday and visit, her sisters fax you a 10 page "bilins" list which says "suggestion only".
• Your kitchen table has a merry-go-round in the middle.
• All the vegetables she buys at the Filipino store look like they were grown at Chernobyl.
• Your in-law's first visit lasts 6 years.
• Her friends are named Chinky, Girlie, Boy and Bimbo and you are not allowed to smirk.
• Her home economics course only taught shopping, eating and siesta; cooking, cleaning and sewing were not electives.
• Her idea of edifying reading is gossip magazines.
• All your place settings has the silverware backwards and there are no knives.
• She washes her hair with a bucket and her car with a broom.
• Her favorite book (she has 3 copies) is "1001 New Recipes for Pig Parts You Were Gonna Throw Out".
• You are the only family in a 200 mile radius with 2 Betamaxes, 3 televisions.
• She's done her best job planning a surprise party for you if she manages not to tell you about it until a week or two before.
• She "cleans" her closet by throwing all the crap into your closet.
• AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST: You are pretty proud of yourself because you think you snagged up for yourself some unique, rare, tropical goddess type until you go to the Philippines and can't tell her apart from anyone else in the whole country (unless she's taller than 5'1" -- then it's a bit easier).

Of Course, We Can't Slight Our California Girls!

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish...............49
Adventurous..........Slept with everyone.
Athletic.............No breasts.
Average looking......Mooooooo.
Beautiful............Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure...On medication.
Free spirit..........Junkie.
Friendship first.....Former slut.
New-Age..............Body hair in the
                     wrong places.
Old-fashioned........No BJs.
Open-minded..........Desperate.
Outgoing.............Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional.........Witch with a capital B.
Feminist.............Fat.
Voluptuous...........Very Fat.
Large frame..........Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate......Stalker.

WOMEN'S ENGLISH TRANSLATION GUIDE

Yes........................................No.
No.........................................Yes.
Maybe......................................No.
We need....................................I want.
I am sorry.................................You'll be sorry.
We need to talk............................You're in trouble.
Sure, go ahead.............................You better not.
Do what you want...........................You will pay for this later.
I am not upset.............................Of course, I am upset, you moron!
You're certainly attentive tonight.........Is sex all you ever think about?
   

MEN'S ENGLISH TRANSLATION GUIDE

I am hungry................................I am hungry.
I am sleepy................................I am sleepy.
I am tired.................................I am tired.
Nice dress.................................Nice cleavage.
May I have this dance?.....................I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime?...................I'd like to have sex with you.
Do you want to go to a movie?..............I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner?..............I'd like to have sex with you.
I love you.................................Let's have sex now.
I am bored.................................Let's have sex now.
Those shoes don't go with with that outfit.I'm gay

 

 Beer vs. Pussy

A beer is always wet.  A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot.  A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.  Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad. If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not drive.  6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy

Buy too much beer and you will get fat.  Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Tie

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.  You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer.  If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy

With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.

Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.

If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal.  If you think all day about your next beer, you are an  alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy

Peeling labels off of beers is fun.  Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.

If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.  If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Tie

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.  If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.  The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, PBR, Old Swill.  Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.  Good beer: Fosters, Moosehead, Steinlager, St. Pauli Girl, anything by Pete.  Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: Can't determine winner

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

  

Some Thoughts on Sex, Beer and Drinking,
by the World's Greatest Scholars

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
-  Tom Clancy

You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither.
- Steve Martin

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good.
Drew Carey

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
- Woody Allen

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
-  George Burns

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
- Camille Paglia

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
- Lynn Lavner

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.  Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams.  If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
  -- Jack Handy

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
  -- Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
  -- William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
  -- Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
  -- Ernest Hemingway

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
  -- Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
  -- Ambrose Bierce

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy girls.
  -- Ross Levy

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
  -- W.C. Fields

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
  -- W.C. Fields

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
  -- Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
  -- Michelle Mastrolacasa

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal  lobotomy.
  -- Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.  Coincidence?
  -- Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
  -- Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline.  It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a  beer.
  -- Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
  -- Winston Churchill

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
  -- Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
  -- Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
  -- Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
  -- Humphrey Bogart

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
  -- Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet, tasty beer.
  -- Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
  -- Dave Barry

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
  -- Homer Simpson

My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.
  --  Steve Jobs

Divorce - from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
  --  Robin Williams

The problem is that God gave men a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to run one at a time.
  --  Robin Williams

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
  --  Rodney Dangerfield

Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.
  --  Sharon Stone

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
  --  Jack Nicholson

Clinton lied.  A man might forget where he parks or even where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.
  --  Barbara Bush

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month I can be myself.
  --  Roseanne Barr

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.  They say that women are too judgemental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
  --  Robert De Niro

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.
  --  Rod Stewart
 
 

Go See The World's First Jet Powered Beer Cooler!

Alcohol Warning Labels

If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter!

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.

WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay things like thish.

WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck ever happened to your pants anyway.

WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).

WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more handsome, and smarter than some really, really, really big biker guy named "Big Al."

WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with others without spitting.

WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.  Or can fly.

WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small and sometimes large gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

PLEASE READ THIS!!!
IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR ALL MEN
WHO GO OUT TO CLUBS, BARS & PARTIES:

Men, you must be alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from girls in clubs and bars and at parties.  There is a new drug that is in liquid form.  The drug is now being used by female sexual predators to induce their male victims to have sex with them.  The shocking news is that the drug is available virtually anywhere! It goes by the street name "Beer".   All girls have to do is buy  a "Beer" or two for almost any guy and then simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex.  Men are rendered literally helpless against such tactics.  Please, Guys!  Be careful -- there are maneaters out there!

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

Is Tequila Right For You?

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila.

Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.  Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila.

Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headaches, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare and Naked Twister.

Ask your bartender if Tequila is right for you.

 OFFICIAL SEXIST STEREOTYPED
GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING!

Yesterday, FDA scientists announced to the world the alarming results of a recent analysis that found the presence of female hormones in beer. This comes as a cruel blow to all men. It is advised that if you are male between the ages of 18 and 85 you may need to seek medical assistance to assess your beer consumption.  Here's the text of the official warning:

WARNING: Drinking beer eventually turns men into women.

THE TEST: 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

THE RESULT: 100% of the men:

1. Gained weight
2. Talked excessively witho! ut! making sense
3. Became overly emotional
4. Couldn't drive
5. Failed to think rationally
6. Argued over nothing
7. Had to sit down while urinating
8. Refused to apologize when wrong

No further testing is planned.

If you can't read it, try pulling your eyes at the corners like you used to do
when you were a kid to look Chinese (many apologies to the Chinese)

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we  used to  enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in  meeting up and rekindling a little of that "magic" .

"Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you  now. I'm a bit older and a little balder than when you last saw  me!"

She just giggled and said she was sure I'd "rise" to the challenge.

"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a  waistline  that's a quite a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying  that tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

"Anyway," she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to fuck off.

An Alternative Viewpoint:

"Ted - I'm sending you an article I cut out of the paper this morning [25/4/00].  I think it is extremely irresponsible for you to promote drinking on your website.  Alcohol is well known to be destructive of religious and family life and society as a whole - its almost as bad as smoking and other dangerous drugs.  This article is more proof of its dangerous effects on all of us.  When I was on the rock, booze was cheap and plentiful, and I saw many, many happily married people get drunk and cheat on their spouses, just because of beer, wine and whiskey, to say nothing of the young unmarried sailors, male and female, who would rush off to have intercourse as soon as they'd had even a couple of beers at the Turner Club.  I even knew some who became homosexuals because they drank too much and were tricked into bed by those kind of people.  My guess is they are all dead of aids by now.  I worked in the clinic, and we had so many cases of STDs, I know the Navy was embarrassed by the statistics.  Anyway, I think they ought to outlaw booze on the rock (and everywhere else for that matter), and you ought to take those pages on your website that promote drunkeness and promiscuity, and delete them right away."  [name withheld by request.]

 

And, lest we forget the poor cows...

Check out the anti-human humbugs of PETA and their proof that beer is better than milk
http://www.milksucks.com/beersurvey.html

Some selections therefrom:

A nutritional comparison of beer and milk reveals that:

Beer has zero fat; milk is loaded with fat. [Help the government busybodies help you meet your USDA recommended Fat Maximums!]

Beer has zero cholesterol; milk contains 20 mg of cholesterol in every 8-oz. serving. [HDL, LDL, I'm so confused - because I drink lots of beer!]

Beer doesn't contain hormones or antibiotics, while milk contains an ever-increasing variety of the pesticides and antibiotics fed to cows, including rBGH, the notorious growth hormone that can give guys breasts.  [Oh, so that's where they came from. Icky-poo!  And here I thought it was because I'm fat]

Beer has half a gram of fiber in every cup; milk has no fiber whatsoever.  [That's why you get the beer shits the next morning - it keeps you regular]

Beer has only 12 mg of sodium per cup. Milk is sky-high in the stuff.  [I was sky high once, and Bill and I didn't even inhale]

Beer has 3 grams of complex carbohydrates in a 12-oz. glass; milk has no complex carbohydrates.  [Just simple sugars, which convert to fat during digestion]
 

" I like my beer with a big juicy steak."
Ted M., Prez, PETA (People who enjoy Tasting Animals)

 http://www.howstuffworks.com/beer.htm
(how to make Homer's favorite beverage)

 And Now, A Medical Opinion mostly concerned with our favorite adult beverage:

Tips for healthy living  by Dr. Deano Adelo

Q.  Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A.  You must grasp logistical efficiencies.  What does a cow eat?  Hay and corn.  And what are these? Vegetables.  So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your
system. Need grain?  Eat chicken.  Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).  And a pork chop can give you a full 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

********** Q.  I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true?
A.  Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.  Everything wears out eventually.  Speeding
up your heart will not make you live longer, that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.  Want to live longer?  Take a nap. ********** Q.  Is beer bad for me?
A.  Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables.  As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories:  Animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer is not animal, and is not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?  My advice:  Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.  ********** Q.  My annual P.T. Test is coming up.  How can I calculate my body/fat ratio to make sure I don't fail?
A.  Well if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one.  If you have two bodies,
your ratio is two to one, etc. ********** Q.  At the gym, a woman asked me to "spot" for her while she did the bench press. What did she mean?
A.  "Spotting" for someone means you stand over her while she blows air up your shorts.  This is "gymnasium short-hand" that she's interested in getting drunk and getting laid.  It's an accepted practice at health clubs in the states - there isn't a better reason to go to a gym. ********** Q.  My CO told me I should quit hanging around the Acey-Deucy Club and head for the gym if I wanted to be heathier.  What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A.  I can't think of a single one, sorry. Unless you are practicing your 12 ounce curls.  My philosophy is No Pain - No Pain. ********** Q.  Someone told me that I can get rid of a beer belly (I'm a Chief, so naturally I have one) by doing sit-ups.  Will sit-ups help?
A.  Definitely not!  When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.  You should only be doing sit-ups if you
want a bigger stomach.

 

From the Annals of History Past:
The Spice Girls Drinking Game

Well, since its a British Island, there has to be a British Drinking Game involved somewhere...

One of my British Correspondents sent this to me a couple years ago, and although I don't think the Spice Girls actually exist anymore, there are certainly videos of them out there somewhere.  Especially in the Land That Time Forgot...

So, here's how to play this game.  Get the Brits to loan you and your friends a video of any Spice Girl event (concerts, that movie, etc.).  Then sit down to watch with about 10 cases of beer (you'll need that much).  Everyone counts off, 1, 2, 3, etc., and #1 starts the event.  Start the video.  When any of the following events occur, #1 takes the appropriate number of swallows, and the play passes to #2, and so on.  REMEMBER, take SIPS of the beer.  DO NOT drink the appropriate number of CANS of beer - everyone will be passed out within 10 minutes of the opening credits!

O.K., here are the criteria...

When Any Spice Girl:

Reveals a visible nipple - 1
Flashes the "Girl Power" peace sign - 1 (take a second sip if the say it too.)
Fondles another (including goosing) - 2
Flashes their underwear - 2 (3 if its being worn like as an outer garment).
Says something coherent - 5 (don't worry, this won't happen often).

When Geri:

Is shown wearing a piece of clothing that bears a resemblance to the British flag - 1
Keeps her breasts totally covered for more than 60 seconds - 2
Is shown wearing platform boots - 2
Flashes her beaver, finish your drink (this is the only exception to the sipping rule)

When Mel C:

Is shown wearing any emblem of a sports apparel company - 1
Does a backflip - 2
Actually looks as if she actually breasts - 2

When Mel B:

Looks like she's going to bite off someone's head - 1
Shows off her tounge piercing - 1
Has on skin-tight clothes - 1 (if they're some sort of print - leopard, camo, etc. - 2)
Has her hair standing on end in that weird jerry-curl-from-hell fashion - 2

When Emma:

Is wearing that stupid ass "Baby" necklace - 2
Isn't wearning the color white - 2
Doesn't have her hair in pigtails - 3

When Victoria:

Has a complete look of confusion on her face - 1
Is not in high heels - 2
Smiles - 3
Has less than 5 pounds of makeup on - 4

Another Historic Beer Break:
Your Two-Minute Beer Primer For Labor Day, 2001!
From http://www.realbeer.com; Vol. 1, No. 52 - Aug. 30, 2001.

Just think back to that time, before 9/11, and how innocent we were...

[Editor's Note:  O.K.... So you guys and girls on Good Ol' DG won't be able to try most of these beers today (as I load this on the page), but I will, and I promise to try out most, if not all on your behalf!  Meanwhile, enjoy the day and knock one out of the park for me!]

We asked last week for your input on what beers to serve to an eclectic crowd of beer newbies and those ready for more adventure....here are 10 beers we've chosen for the occasion....remember that this IS NOT a list of the 10 best beers in the world, or presented as the best beers of a particular style. They are 10 beers we chose this week. Ask us tomorrow and we might list 10 completely different beers. And the next day there would be 10 different ones. They are presented in alphabetical order.

Anchor Steam (from California): Because it's a style that America can call its own, it's tasty but won't overwhelm the taste buds of somebody moving up from mainstream lagers, and because we can then mention how much we like Anchor Liberty and India Pale Ales (we didn't have room for an IPA on this list).

Bell's Expedition Stout (from Michigan): This, on the other hand, is not the first beer to have after a light lager. It's black, viscous and thick on the tongue, sweet upfront and roasty at the finish -- a balanced attack on all your senses. A beer for those ready to find out how big and mean a beer can be.

Duvel (from Belgium): Almost as big as Expedition Stout (8.5 abv) but light in color, a blossoming aroma, creamy mouthfeel, a complex combination of fruit related flavors and a balancing dry finish. Its advocates argue it's the best beer in the world.

Eske's Green Chile Ale (from New Mexico): This IS NOT Ed's Cave Creek Chile beer, which received a fair amount of national attention a few years ago.  That is a light lager with a jalepeno pepper in the bottle. Eske's is a brewpub in Taos, New Mexico, and this is a full-bodied ale with green chiles (chiles are so big in New Mexico that the state question is "Red or Green?") providing as much flavor as heat. A perfect beer to have while sitting out in the sun on Labor Day weekend.

Lindeman's Framboise (from Belgium): A homebrewer nominated this one, because while this raspberry beer based on the lambic of this Belgian brewery is heavy on fruit it's the first beer he's found that his wine-loving wife likes. So this one is for our friends who favor wine.

Samuel Adams Boston Lager (from Massachusetts): If your colleagues like this beer they won't have trouble finding more of it to drink (in bottles) at home or on draft when they drink out -- often even if they live in the hinterlands. It's a perfect beer to offer a drinker of mainstream lagers (brewed both in the United States and elsewhere).

Sierra Nevada Pale Ale (from California): Another one of the pioneer craft beers that won over thousands of beer drinkers. Give somebody a SNPA and a Boston Lager side-by-side to teach them about the difference between ales and lagers, between American hops and Europeans hops, between bottle-conditioned beer and beer that impresses with its clarity. Although Sierra Nevada has a well-earned reputation for using hops, this beer is longer on hop flavor than hop bitterness so shouldn't scare a novice too much.

Spaten Ur-Marzen (from Germany): It's time to start thinking about Oktoberfest, and the original Oktoberfest beer -- first brewed in 1872 -- is still one of the best. Spaten also brews a paler Oktoberfestbier to serve during the massive Oktoberfest celebration in Munich. Strangely, the classic and robust Ur-Marzen is sometimes easier to find in a U.S. supermarket than its home city during the festival.

Tabernash Weisse (from Colorado): Your friends don't like the deep, malty flavor in an Oktoberfest beer? They aren't sure about hops? Then a traditional Bavarian wheat beer might be the style to turn to. This one is made in Longmont, Colo., but available in many other states. A fine combination of banana/fruit flavors, clove in the aroma.  Another thirst-quenching beer for drinking outside on Labor Day.

Victory Lager (from Pennsylvania): This micro in Downingtown, Pa., has a cult following, but lovers of hops and strong beers (Victory specialties) don't talk enough about Victory's all-malt lager. Its depth of flavor is as impressive as Victory's better known HopDevil. A great "next beer" for the mainstream lager drinker, for somebody not sure about those fruity tones in an ale, or for the citrus hop adverse.

I think that I shall never hear
A poem as lovely as a beer
The brew that Joe's bar has on tap
With golden base and snowy cap
The foamy stuff I drink all day
Until my memory melts away
Poems are made by fools I fear
But only <insert favorite brand name here> can make a beer.

-- Stolen from an unknown source

 Hangover Scale

One Star Hangover

No pain.  No real feeling of illness.  You're able to function relatively well.  However, you are still parched.  You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way.  For some reason, you're craving a philly sub and steak fries.

Two Star Hangover

No pain, but something is definitely amiss.  You may look okay but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun.  The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Denny's excursion.  There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover

Slight headache.  Stomach feels crappy.  You are definitely not productive.  Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps' shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink.  Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns.  You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke-yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover

Life sucks.  Your head is throbbing.  You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke.  Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.  You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face.  (for the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.)  Your eyes look like one big red vein and even your hair hurts.  Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day makes the eyes water of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover

You have a second heartbeat in your noggin, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube.  Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.  You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out.  Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you.  You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning.  Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in.  The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass.  Death sounds pretty good about right now.

Don't EVER Pass Out!

Dear Diego Garcia Personnel:

It has been brought to the Captain's attention that some individuals here in our "One Island, One Team" paradise have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their fellow sailors.

Due to complaints received from some of those sailors who may be easily offended, the Captain has asked me to inform the various commands that this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

He does, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with your fellow squids.

Therefore, a Command-approved list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a fucking bitch.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the fuck didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, it all counts toward 20.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This fucking job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.

Thank You,
The Chaplain's Office

Additional "Correct Speak" Guidance from the office of the Chaplain:

Avoid using perjorative terms for home regions.  For example, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be  referred to as "HILLBILLIES."   You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN - AMERICANS.

Additional guidance follows.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL  DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP  CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE" whoooooo

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY  APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED  COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMP AIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

The World's Shortest & Happiest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after,
and went fishing and  hunting,
and played golf a lot, and drank beer,
and had shit loads of money,
and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion.  Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.  So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
 

Cowboy Lines that have been ruint' by that gay Cowboy movie (Brokeback Mountain)

 1.   "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"
 2.   "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"
 3.   "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."
 4.   "Howdy, pardner."
 5.   "You stay here while I sneak around from behind."
 6.   Two words: "Saddle Sore."
 7.   "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."
 8.   "Let's mount up!"
 9.   "Nice spread ya got there!"
 10. "Ride'em cowboy!"
 11. "I reckon this might hurt a little"
 12. "Get a LOOOOOOONG little dohgy!"

FALL CLASSES FOR MEN PREPARING TO RETURN STATESIDE.

LIMITED TO MEN WITH WIVES AND/OR GIRLFRIENDS BACK HOME.  "DEPLOYMENT WIVES" DO NOT COUNT.

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY November 15, 2006

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

 Classes begin Monday, November 30, 2006

Class 1
 How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.  Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

 Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.  Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.  Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor --- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.  Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.  Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .  Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.  Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.  4 weeks, Saturday noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
On-line Classes and role-playing .  Tuesday at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.  Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours.  Beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.  Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.  Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

The University of Diego Garcia Presents:

SUMMER CLASSES FOR WOMEN PREPARING TO RETURN STATESIDE.

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED 
by Friday, July 31, 2009 
 
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM. 
 
Class 1 
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat 
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. 
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM.. 
 
Class 2 
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours? 
Round Table Discussion. 
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours. 
 
Class 3 
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate. 
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours. 
 
Class 4 
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. 
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks. 
 
Class 5 
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? 
Examples on Video. 
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning 
at 7:00 PM 
 
Class 6 
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program 
Help Line Support and Support Groups. 
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM 
 
Class 7 
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos? 
Open Forum. 
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours. 
 
Class 8 
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT! 
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. 
 
Class 9 
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials. 
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined. 
 
Class 10 
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim. 
Driving Simulations.. 
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours. 
 
Class 11 
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield. 
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined 
 
Class 12 
How to Shop by Yourself. 
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM. 
 
Class 13 
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering To Take a List To The Store, Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed. 
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. 
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. 
 

 

Although it's been 4 generations since my family spoke with a Southern accent, some of us still appreciate our Confederate-Amercan roots.  So don't mess with us, or we'll kick your ass...Nothin persnal, y'all.

SURVIVAL INFO FOR NORTHERNERS & OTHER AGGRESSORS!
Fifteen Ways To Avoid A Good Old Southern Ass Whuppin

Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners, Northeasterners, Northwesterners, Westerners and Southwestern Urbanites

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House.  It's just a diner.  They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know.  If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's ass whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke.  Accept it.  Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense - Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MTV (when they still played music videos), Netscape (before AOL).  Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (John Edwards, Al Gore, Bill Clinton MCI WorldCom). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her ass.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

14) So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime infested cities like New York, Baltimore or Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box... minus your ass.
 

Subject: On being Southern

Southern women appreciate their natural assets:
Clean skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable Southern drawl.

Southern women know their manners:
"Yes, ma'am."
"Yes, sir."
"Why, no, Billy!"

Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions :
"Y'all come back!"
"Well, bless your heart."
"Drop by when you can."
"How's your Momma?"

Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity

Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The rivuh
The crick

Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:
Colorful hi-heel sandals
Strapless sundresses
Iced sweet tea with mint

Southern women know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah

Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving
Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind

Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football

Southern women know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye gravy
Grits
Eggs
Country ham
Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with momma's homemade jelly

Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl'stn
S'vanah
Foat Wuth
N'awlins
Addlanna

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform.
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food

Suthen-ism's:

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess." 

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in:  "Going to town, be back directly."

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table. 

All Southerners know exactly when "bye and bye" is.  They might not use the term, but they know the concept well. 

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad.  If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece."  They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

Only a Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and
po' white trash. 

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn. 

A Southerner knows that "fix" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines... and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage. 

In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural. 

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner! 

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk."  Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it --  we do not like our tea unsweetened.  "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway.  You just say, "Bless her heart", and go your own way. 

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southernness:  Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!

And for those who are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.   That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming:
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

DANGEROUS:  What's for dinner?
SAFER:  Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST:  Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE:  Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS:  Are you wearing that?
SAFER:  Wow, you sure look good in brown!
SAFEST:  WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE:  Here, have some wine

DANGEROUS:  What are you so worked up about?
SAFER:  Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST:  Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE:  Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS:  Should you be eating that?
SAFER:  You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST:  Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
ULTRA SAFE:  Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS:  What did you DO all day?
SAFER:  I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST:  I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE:  Here, have some more wine.

13 Things PMS Stands For:

Pass My Shotgun
Psychotic Mood Shift
Perpetual Munching Spree
Puffy Mid-Section
People Make me Sick
Provide Me with Sweets
Pardon My Sobbing
Pimples May Surface
Pass My Sweatpants
Pissy Mood Syndrome
Plainly; Men Suck
Pack My Stuff
Potential Murder Suspect

A love story......

I will seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,
Signed,
The Swine FLU

  Indian Yoga:

Irish Yoga:

If It Weren't For Guiness, The Irish Would Rule The World.

The work of Steven Wright, erudite scientist and comic:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- They don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend.....but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever......so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hard ness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
35 - I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.

Politically Incorrect Chinese Proverbs
For those who don't know, it is not a slur to leave out 'the', 'an' etc. from Chinese languages -
these languages don't contain those modifiers...

Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house  should  change clothes in basement!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

One of those stupid email things.
"I ran over a fireman because I'm sexy and I want to do that."
Your turn:

Pick the month you were born:

January ---- I kicked
February --- I loved
March ------ I smoked
April ------ I dry humped
May -------- I choked on
June ------- I murdered
July ------- I did the Macarena with
August ----- I had lunch with
September -- I danced with
October ---- I sang to
November --- I yelled at
December --- I ran over

Pick the day (number) you were born on:

1 ----- a birdbath
2 ----- a monster
3 ----- a phone
4 ----- a fork
5 ----- a Mexican
6 ----- a gangster
7 ----- my cell phone
8 ----- my dog
9 ----- my best friend's boyfriend
10 ---- my teacher
11 ---- my science teacher
12 ---- a banana
13 ---- a fireman
14 ---- a stuffed animal
15 ---- a goat
16 ---- a pickle
17 ---- your mom
18 ---- a spoon
19 ---- myself
20 ---- a baseball bat
21 ---- a ninja
22 ---- Chuck Norris
23 ---- a noodle
24 ---- a squirrel
25 ---- a football player
26 ---- my sister
27 ---- my brother
28 ---- an ipod
29 ---- a permanent marker
30 ---- a llama
31 ---- a homeless guy

Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:

White ----- because I'm cool like that.
Black ----- because that's how I roll.
Pink ------ because I'm NOT a homosexual.
Red ------- because the voices told me to.
Blue ------ because I'm sexy and I do what I want.
Green ----- because I just gotta be me.
Purple ---- because I'm cool.
Gray ------ because I was drunk.
Yellow ---- because someone offered me $1,000,000.
Orange ---- because I just don't like people.
Brown ----- because I was high.
Other ----- because I'm a ninja.
None ------ because I can't control my self.

Stupid, huh?

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

Here is the Mensa Invitational which once again asked participants to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter -- and supply a new definition.  The 2007 winners are:

1. Cashtration (n.): the act of buying or building a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus (n.): a person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication (n.): euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation (n.): coming back to life as a hillbilly .

5. Bozone (n): the substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from pen etrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6 Caterpallor (n.): the color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

7. Giraffiti (n.): vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm (n.): the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte (v.): to take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis (n.): terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis (n.): a degenerate disease.

12. Karmageddon (n.): It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.): the grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido (n.): all talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect (n.): the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): the frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Drinks Show Your Personality!  Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!  Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could 'nail' a woman's personality based on what she drinks.   Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

PART A: WOMEN-DRINKS, WHO THEY ARE, & YOU!

Drink:         Beer
Personality:   Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink:         Blender Drinks
Personality:   Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana
               boy.

Drink:         Mixed Drinks
Personality:   Older, more refined, high maintenance, has
               very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she
               wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's
               interested, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink:         Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality:   Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet
               giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet
               evenings with friends.

Drink:         White Zinfandel
Personality:   Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated,
               actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this
               should be an easy target.

Drink:         Shots
Personality:   Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking
               to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been
               blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be
               careful not to make her mad!

Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.

PART B: MAN-DRINKS & WHO THE MEN ARE!

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid .

Wine:          He is hoping that the wine will give him a
               sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey:       He doesn't give a damn about anything but
               getting laid.

Tequila:       He is thinking he has a chance with the
               toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay

Dirty Riddles

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A .They don't have balls to scratch!

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

Smurf Sex:  This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

Kitchen Sex:  This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so excited you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

Bedroom Sex:  This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

Hallway Sex:  This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."

Religious Sex:  Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

Courtroom Sex:  This is when you cannot stand your wife any more.  She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least, Social Security Sex: You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.

How About A Well-Aged Heine?

THIS PROBABLY EXPLAINS IT ALL...
KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick-up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because we were always outside playing.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.  No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would run through the DDT fog when the mosquito spray truck went through the neighborhood, and didn't die.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms... we had friends and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law.

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

YOU WILL NEVER GET A CHAIN LETTER E-MAIL FROM THIS SITE!
BUT I GET THEM ALL THE TIME, AND FIGURED I SHOULD SHARE THEM WITH YOU...

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I scrub the top of every can I open for the same  reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca Cola because I've learned that it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.  I now know that I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to my many Internet friends, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to the great advice, I will never pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon, and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

PS: A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study,has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read the web pages they are surfing with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

  

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

1. Fine:  This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes:  If she is getting dressed, 'five minutes' means at least half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing:  This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should definitely be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'nothing' usually end in 'fine.'

4. Go Ahead:  This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh:  This isn't actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement which is often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of 'nothing.')

6. That's Okay:  This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. 'That's okay' means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks:  A woman is thanking you! Do not question, or faint...just say 'you're welcome.'

8. Whatever:  This is a woman's way of saying 'up yours!'

9. Don't worry about it, I got it:  Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do, more than likely several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response, refer to #3.

 
 

OVERHEARD IN THE COLONOSCOPY CLINIC

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before !"

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "Now I know why I am not gay."

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

Doctors vs. Guns

DOCTORS:

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
-     Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services.

GUNS:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.. (Yes, that's 80 million)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.
-     Statistics courtesy of FBI

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.  Remember, 'GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE, DOCTORS DO!'  Not everyone has a gun, but almost everyone has at least one Doctor.  Please alert your friends
to this alarming threat. We must ban Doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

P.S.  Out of concern for the public at large, I withheld the statistics on lawyers
for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.

This little animal is called a Naked Mole-Rat, and is found in Africa.

So, if you are ever feeling sorry for yourself, remember:
You don't look like a penis with buck teeth...
(or do you?)

I've often been asked, "What do you do now that you're retired?"

Well, I don't have much of a chemical background but one of the things I enjoy the most is turning beer into urine.

A guy was driving around and saw a sign in front of a house: 'Talking Dog for Sale '

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there.  "You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Beagle replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Beagle looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.

"I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the United States Marines.  You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs'.

"In no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger.  So, I decided to settle down.

"I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.  I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.  I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed.  He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars?  This dog is amazing!  Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's such a liar ... He never did any of that stuff.  He was in the Navy."

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVEAND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and theTampaBay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* There are three religious truths:
     a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
     b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
     c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for their final exam. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?

I became confused when I heard these terms, which reference the word 'service'.

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
T.V. 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
City & County Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into perspective. I now understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.

I hope you are now as enlightened as I am.

Some of us are old enough to appreciate these jokes (served on DG in '70s).

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore-------under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt .'

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly-----wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: 'Damn, I remember these.'
 

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. 

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. 

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. 

Practice safe eating - always use condiments. 

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. 

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. 

A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. 

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. 

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. 

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. 

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. 

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.) 

 In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. 

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. 

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. 

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. 

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. 

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. 

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. 

All calendar's days are numbered. 

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine. 

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. 

He had a photographic memory that was never developed. 

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large. 

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall. 

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. 

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

WHEN THE HALLMARK CARD WRITERS HAVE A BAD DAY...

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
' What the Hell was I thinking?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee,  Arkansas  ,  Kentucky &  West Virginia  )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday!
You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to  catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

 

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational, which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.  Here are the winners:

1.  Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2.  Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ass hole.

3.  Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4.  Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5.  Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.  The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6.  Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7.  Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8.  Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9.  Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10.  Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.  (This one got extra credit.)

11.  Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?  And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12.  Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming  only things that are good for you.

13.  Glibido: All talk and no action.

14.  Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15.  Arachnoleptic Fit (n): The frantic dance performed just after you've  accidentally walked through a spider web.

16.  Beelzebug (n): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17.  Caterpallor (n): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

 

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its  yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings  for common words.  And the winners are:

1.  Coffee, n.  The person upon whom one coughs.

2.  Flabbergasted, adj.  Appalled by discovering how much weight one has  gained.

3.  Abdicate, v.  To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4.  Esplanade, v.  To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5.  Willy-nilly, adj.   Impotent.

6.  Negligent, adj.   Absentmindedly answering the door  wearing only a nightgown.

7.  Lymph, v.   To walk with a lisp.

8.  Gargoyle, n.   Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9.  Flatulence, n .  Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10.  Balderdash, n.  A rapidly receding hairline.

11.  Testicle, n.  A humorous question on an exam.

12.  Rectitude, n.  The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13.  Pokemon, n.  A Rastafarian proctologist.

14.  Oyster, n.  A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.

15.  Frisbeetarianism, n.  The belief that, after death, the soul flies up  onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16.  Circumvent.   An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

MATRIMONY

You have two choices in life:  You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"  "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:  "Husband Wanted".  Next day she received a hundred letters.  They all said the same thing:  "You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A man is incomplete until he is married.  Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"  Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"  Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"  Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.  So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.

I wish Google Maps, Garmin, Tom-Tom, and all other GPS Navigators and Map sites had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

Nothing stinks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

***There is a great need for a sarcasm font.***

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people.. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately delete everything on your computer and destroy the hard drive if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads.  Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us."

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories...

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem....

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word or Excel and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper or Pro Forma that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this.  It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room.  Will we still be friends after this?'

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail.  What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my last dollar everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 5 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

My 6-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How do I respond to that?

It really angers me when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

I wonder if cops ever get ticked off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself.  There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@st@rd before dinner.

How to say 'I Love You' in 22 languages.....

English -  "I Love You"

Spanish -  "Te Amo"

French - "Je T'aime"

German  - "lch Liebe Dich"

Japanese -  "Ai Shite Imasu"

Italian -  "Ti Amo"

Chinese -  "Wo Ai Ni"

Swedish  - Jag Alskar"

Alabaman,  Arkansan, Oklahoman, Texan, North Carolinian,

South Carolinian, Georgian, Tennesseean, Mississippian,

Louisianan, Virginian, West Virginian, Kentuckian,  and

North Floridian  - "Nice ass, get in the truck"