Top 10 Reasons San Magoo is the prefered beer of all true citizens of the PPDRDG:
10.     By mid-month, the other choices were Schlitz, Olympia, and Pabst Blue Ribbon
  9.     It was the only bottled beer on the island
  8.     Deposit on bottles made the 3 environmentalists on the island happy
  7.     High alcohol content - could be used start beach-party bonfires
  6.     It only cost $4 per case - cheaper than Coca Cola
  5.     When freeze dried and rolled in a cigarette paper, was only legal drug on the island
  4.     Stubby bottle design prevented serious injury when used "improperly"
  3.     Brought back happy memories of better days (and nights) in Olongopo
  2.     There's just something magical about watching women drink beer from a bottle
  1.     Is listed by FDA as "suitable substitute" for Viagra

Yeah, yeah, I know times have changed out there, and Fosters, Newcastle Brown, Tiger Beer, and Coors are available, but there is only one truely tropical nautical beer - the one that John Wayne, Ward Bond and the rest of that P.T. Boat crew drank in that little bar on Zamboanga in the 1943 movie "They Were Expendible."  Except for the kid that had to drink milk because he wasn't 21 yet.

"...whereas here; all, as well Brandy as Wine, and all our strong compounded Drinks, such as stout Ale, Punch, Double-Beer, Fine-Ale, &c. are all drank to Excess, and that to such a Degree, as to become the Poison, as well of our Health as of our Morals; fatal to the Body, to Principles, and even to the Understanding; and we see daily Examples of Men of strong Bodies drinking themselves into the Grave; and which is still worse, Men of strong Heads, and good Judgment, drinking themselves into Idiotism and Stupidity..."

Author - Daniel Defoe in A Plan of the English Commerce.  Defoe also wrote Robinson Crusoe, and clearly understood the situation on Diego Garcia...

     A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular attrition of the weakest members.
     In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
     In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.  That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Retirement Planning:

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00. With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, You would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan

To your health!

WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of  Water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are Consuming 1 kilo of poop!

However....... , we do not run that risk when drinking WINE (or rum, whiskey,vodka, beer or other liquors), because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

WATER = POOP

BOOZE = HEALTH

So, it is better to drink adult beverages and talk shit than to drink water and be  full of shit.
 

Of Course, there are many things that can go wrong whist drinking beer, so here is the
Official PPDRDG Beer Troubleshooting Guide

  SYMPTOM:  Feet cold and wet
  FAULT:  Glass being held at incorrect angle.
  ACTION:  Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

  SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
  FAULT:   Improper bladder control.
  ACTION:  Stand next to nearest Marine, complain about house training.

  SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
  FAULT:   Glass empty.
  ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another beer.

  SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
  FAULT:   You have fallen over backward.
  ACTION:  Have yourself lashed to bar (all sailors know the correct knots).

  SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
  FAULT:   You have fallen forward.
  ACTION:  See above.

  SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
  FAULT:   Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
  ACTION:  Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

  SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
  FAULT:   You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
  ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another beer.

  SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
  FAULT:   You are being carried out.
  ACTION:  Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

  SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
  FAULT:   Bar has closed.
  ACTION:  Obtain ride to dorm from friendly BIOT Police.

  SYMPTOM: BIOT Police Van takes on colorful aspect and textures.
  FAULT:   Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
  ACTION:  Cover mouth.

  SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
  FAULT:   You are dancing on the table.
  ACTION:  Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

  SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
  FAULT:   It's water.  Somebody is trying to sober you up.
  ACTION:  Punch him.

  SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
  FAULT:   You have been in a fight.
  ACTION:  Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

  SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
  FAULT:   You've wandered into the wrong party.
  ACTION:  See if they have free beer.

  SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
  FAULT:   The beer is too weak.
  ACTION:  Have more beer until your voice improves.

  SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
  FAULT:   Beer is just right.
  ACTION:  Play air guitar.
 

Translation Guide For Those Times When Your Little Head Is Doing All The Thinking...

Now, what happens when you finally get that long-sought for leave, and travel to the exotic destinations of the Orient, looking for another beer, and a girl to share it with?  Well, it doesn't matter if its in Singapore, Bankok, Manila, or Jakarta, you'll have to learn the lingo first!
Here's Warren Carter's translation guide for these special moments.

 
"PHRASE"                              (TRANSLATION)
----------------------------------------------------------------
"Hello, Honeyko!"                     (Hello, Moneybag!)
"Kumasta Ka Na?"                      (How are you, future boyfriend?)
"You Boboy!"                          (You're a fat pig!)
"Miss na miss kita!"                  (I miss your money!)
"Mahal na mahal kita!"                (I love your money!)
"I come!"                             (Would you hurry up and come, I'm tired and I
                                        want to watch TV.)
"We go boom boom?"                    (I'd like to watch TV.)
"Where you staying?"                  (Where am I staying tonight? Does it have
                                        aircon, a minibar, and a nice pool?)
"Where you from?"                     (Where will you move me and my family?)
"What your job?"                      (I have a large family, so you better be able
                                       to support them!)
"Will you support me?"                (Will you support me, my Filipino boyfriend,
                                        our two children, and sixteen relatives?)
"You buy me ladies drink?"            (May I have 500 pesos, please?)
"You pay my barfine?"                 (May I have 1500 pesos, please?)
"You barfine my friend?"              (May I have 5000 pesos, please?)
"You cute!"                           (I'm cute, you're an ugly, bald slob)
"You handsome!"                       (You have some hair left, how nice!)
"You healthy!"                        (You're fat and your breath smells!)
"You kind man!"                       (You're a stupid fool who pays me too much!)
"You barfine me tomorrow?"            (Are you my gravy train?)
"You butterfly?"                      (Are you smart?)
"I'm 18"                              (I'm 16.)
"I'm 21"                              (I'm 32.)
"I work here four months only"        (I've been here for four years.)
"I work at [another bar] before"      (I was kicked out of [another bar] for showing
                                        up drunk and late every day.)
"I'm pangit [ugly]"                   (You're pangit).
"We go barhop?"                       (We need to stop at my friend's bars so I can
                                        show off.)
"We go dance?"                        (I want to dance with my friends while you make
                                        a fool of yourself.)
"I have one baby"                     (I've got stretchmarks under my shorts.)
"I have two babies"                   (My vagina is like a train tunnel.)
"I have no babies"                    (I have two babies but no stretch marks.)
"I no like blowjob"                   (Quiet, my friends will hear. Of course I'll
                                        give you a blowjob.)
"I no like Filipino men"              (I like Filipino boys.)
"I no like American men"              (My last boyfriend was American. He dumped
                                        me.)
"Up to you [regarding tip]"           (As much as you can afford)
"Up to you [regarding what to go/do]" (Take me dancing. Now, fat boy!)
"I Cherry Girl (alternate 1)"         (I haven't been fucked up the ass or in my
                                        ears or nose yet.)
"I Cherry Girl (alternate 2)"         (My Filipino boyfriend won't let me spend the
                                        night with a foreigner...yet. How much
                                        money do you have again?)
"I Cherry Girl (alternate 3)"         (I haven't screwed for a whole week and I had
                                        my VD test last Tuesday)
"I good girl"                         (I only go with other men for money)
"You're my only boyfriend"            (One more and I'll have a dozen)
"You hard on puuusey"                 (The 2" X 4" strapped to your ass chafed my
                                        thighs)
"I have menstruation"                 (Buy me drinks then get lost elephant man)
"I'm shy to you!"                     (Only if you pay extra will I leave the light
                                        on let you watch)

Don't forget to check out the Girls of Olongopo 1940s-1990s!
For those who remember the Angeles City, here's a page for you!

 And Then... You Marry Her and Take Her Stateside...
And You Discover:

• Your refrigerator is always full but you cannot find any food that you recognize.
• Instead of a dowry, you got the whole bill for the wedding and honeymoon.
• Most of the decorations in your house are made of wicker.
• You are expected to be able to read her mind just by watching her eyebrows move up and down and which way her lips are pointed.
• All her relatives think your name is Joe.
• The instant you are married you have 3000 new close relatives that you can't tell apart.
• Your house isn't really on fire, but there is a very charred fish right on top of the stove burner.
• All the desserts are sticky and all the snacks are salty...
• She eats her fruit with giant salt crystals and her fried chicken with ketchup.
• Even the ketchup tastes weird... very weird.
• You throw a party and everyone is fighting to chop the leathery skin off a dead pig.
• All your kids have 4-5 middle names.
• Your in-laws take 10 years to acknowledge your existence and to call you by something other than "that white guy".
• You try to call her up on the phone and someone tells you "for a while" and you want to know "for a while, what??"
• You are trying to go to sleep and she keeps asking for the comFORT'r, and you ain't got a clue what she's talking about.
• Your first Christmas present is some funny looking baggy see-thru shirt made out of leftover lace doilies.
• Your phone bills are all international and average 3 hours per call.
• She sweeps with something that witches usually fly around on.
• Her idea of classy, expensive champagne is Asti Spumante.
• The rice cooker is on 24 hours a day and uses up 50% of your electric and food budget.
• On your first trip to the Philippines, you have 18 giant boxes that weigh 1000 pounds each and your "carry on" luggage requires a small forklift truck.
• The same luggage is over filled with things that cost an average of 15 cents each like old magazines and M&Ms -- the worst part is when you get off the plane, the same stuff you've been hauling around half way around the world is available in every store in the airport for half the price!
• All her pajamas look like they were worn by the Dalai Lama until they got too faded.
• The first time she's pregnant you have to go out at 4:00 in the morning looking for some weird type of greasy sausages.
• You buy a new freezer so she can store 200 pounds of SPAM that was on sale.
• Everything in your house was bought on sale, even if you don't need it...as long as it was a "bargain" is all that matters.
• She gets really excited by sucking the fat out of pig knees.
• Your daughter gets her ears pierced when she's 2 minutes old but your sons are not circumcised until they turn 21.
• All your postage bills instantly double.
• You hire a Ya-Ya because your wife thinks you clean mirrors with soap and a sponge and the Ya-Ya seems cheaper than a divorce.
• The only "white meat" she likes is You, and that's if you're lucky.
• Her favorite sauce is called "patis," Americans call it turpentine.
• She actually thinks that bowling and golf and billiards are real sports and are more important than baseball and football.
• You were married 5 years before she explained to you that "ARAY!" doesn't mean "ooh, baby!"
• She prefers bistek to beef steak.
• Her idea of new upholstery is rinsing the bagoong stains out of the slip covers.
• She can eat and talk at the same time, in fact that's her specialty!
• She thinks that the American National Anthem is The Macarena.
• Her favorite meal is leftovers, her favorite fancy dessert is Jello mold and for something REALLY romantic, she'll offer you a halo-halo with 2 straws.
• You still don't know what's the difference between manong and manok.
• She and the kids are always saying "Daddy made utot" and you still don't know what it means but they think it's pretty funny.
• Other than eyebrow raising and lip puckering, her next most expressive form of communication is grunts and pssst's.
• She goes to the movies just for the AC.
• Her homeland has more Megamalls than islands.
• Before every holiday and visit, her sisters fax you a 10 page "bilins" list which says "suggestion only".
• Your kitchen table has a merry-go-round in the middle.
• All the vegetables she buys at the Filipino store look like they were grown at Chernobyl.
• Your in-law's first visit lasts 6 years.
• Her friends are named Chinky, Girlie, Boy and Bimbo and you are not allowed to smirk.
• Her home economics course only taught shopping, eating and siesta; cooking, cleaning and sewing were not electives.
• Her idea of edifying reading is gossip magazines.
• All your place settings has the silverware backwards and there are no knives.
• She washes her hair with a bucket and her car with a broom.
• Her favorite book (she has 3 copies) is "1001 New Recipes for Pig Parts You Were Gonna Throw Out".
• You are the only family in a 200 mile radius with 2 Betamaxes, 3 televisions.
• She's done her best job planning a surprise party for you if she manages not to tell you about it until a week or two before.
• She "cleans" her closet by throwing all the crap into your closet.
• AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST: You are pretty proud of yourself because you think you snagged up for yourself some unique, rare, tropical goddess type until you go to the Philippines and can't tell her apart from anyone else in the whole country (unless she's taller than 5'1" -- then it's a bit easier).

Of Course, We Can't Slight Our California Girls!

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish.............49
Adventurous........Slept with everyone.
Athletic...........No breasts.
Average looking....Mooooooo.
Beautiful..........Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure.On medication.
Free spirit........Junkie.
Friendship first...Former slut.
New-Age............Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned......No BJs.
Open-minded........Desperate.
Outgoing...........Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional.......Witch with a capital B.
Feminist...........Fat.
Voluptuous.........Very Fat.
Large frame........Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate....Stalker.

WOMEN'S ENGLISH TRANSLATION GUIDE

Yes........................................No.
No.........................................Yes.
Maybe......................................No.
We need....................................I want.
I am sorry.................................You'll be sorry.
We need to talk............................You're in trouble.
Sure, go ahead.............................You better not.
Do what you want...........................You will pay for this later.
I am not upset.............................Of course, I am upset, you moron!
You're certainly attentive tonight.........Is sex all you ever think about?
 
 

MEN'S ENGLISH TRANSLATION GUIDE

I am hungry................................I am hungry.
I am sleepy................................I am sleepy.
I am tired.................................I am tired.
Nice dress.................................Nice cleavage.
May I have this dance?.....................I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime?...................I'd like to have sex with you.
Do you want to go to a movie?..............I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner?..............I'd like to have sex with you.
I love you.................................Let's have sex now.
I am bored.................................Let's have sex now.
Those shoes don't go with with that outfit.I'm gay

 

 Beer vs. Pussy

Most of us men on DG spent a long, long celibate year out there!  We drowned our sorrows with endless glasses of beer, because we couldn't get the pussy we so desparately desired!  But....maybe we weren't so unlucky afterall - looks like we actually broke even!  As the following study by the Yale Brewer's Institute reveals, like as not, beer is a better choice:

A beer is always wet.  A pussy needs encouragement.
> >> > >  Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot.  A pussy tastes better served hot.
> >> > >  Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.  Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
> >> > >  Advantage: Beer.

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
> >> > >  Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in.
> >> > >  Advantage: Pussy.

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
> >> > >  Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
> >> > >  Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad. If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
> >> > >  Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not drive.  6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
> >> > >  Advantage: Pussy

Buy too much beer and you will get fat.  Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
> >> > >  Advantage: Tie

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.  You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
> >> > >  Advantage: Pussy

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer.  If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
> >> > >  Advantage: Pussy

With beer, bigger is better.
> >> > >  Advantage: beer.

Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
> >> > >  Advantage: beer.

If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal.  If you think all day about your next beer, you are an  alcoholic.
> >> > >  Advantage: Pussy

Peeling labels off of beers is fun.  Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
> >> > >  Advantage: Pussy.

If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.  If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
> >> > >  Advantage: Tie

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.  If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
> >> > >  Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
> >> > >  Advantage: beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.  The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
> >> > >  Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, PBR, Old Swill.  Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.  Good beer: Fosters, Moosehead, Steinlager, St. Pauli Girl, anything by Pete.  Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
> >> > >  Advantage: Can't determine winner

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
 
 

Some Thoughts on Sex, Beer and Drinking,
by the World's Greatest Scholars

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
-  Tom Clancy

You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither.
- Steve Martin

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good.
Drew Carey

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
- Woody Allen

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
-  George Burns

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
- Camille Paglia

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
- Lynn Lavner

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.  Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams.  If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
  -- Jack Handy

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
  -- Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
  -- William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
  -- Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
  -- Ernest Hemingway

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
  -- Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
  -- Ambrose Bierce

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy girls.
  -- Ross Levy

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
  -- W.C. Fields

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
  -- W.C. Fields

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
  -- Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
  -- Michelle Mastrolacasa

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal  lobotomy.
  -- Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.  Coincidence?
  -- Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
  -- Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline.  It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a  beer.
  -- Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
  -- Winston Churchill

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
  -- Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
  -- Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
  -- Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
  -- Humphrey Bogart

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
  -- Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet, tasty beer.
  -- Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
  -- Dave Barry

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
  -- Homer Simpson

My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.
  --  Steve Jobs

Divorce - from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
  --  Robin Williams

The problem is that God gave men a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to run one at a time.
  --  Robin Williams

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
  --  Rodney Dangerfield

Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.
  --  Sharon Stone

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
  --  Jack Nicholson

Clinton lied.  A man might forget where he parks or even where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.
  --  Barbara Bush

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month I can be myself.
  --  Roseanne Barr

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.  They say that women are too judgemental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
  --  Robert De Niro

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.
  --  Rod Stewart
 
 

Go See The World's First Jet Powered Beer Cooler!

Alcohol Warning Labels

If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter!

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.

WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay things like thish.

WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck ever happened to your pants anyway.

WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).

WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more handsome, and smarter than some really, really, really big biker guy named "Big Al."

WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with others without spitting.

WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.  Or can fly.

WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small and sometimes large gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

PLEASE READ THIS!!!
IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR ALL MEN
WHO GO OUT TO CLUBS, BARS & PARTIES:

Men, you must be alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from girls in clubs and bars and at parties.  There is a new drug that is in liquid form.  The drug is now being used by female sexual predators to induce their male victims to have sex with them.  The shocking news is that the drug is available virtually anywhere! It goes by the street name "Beer".   All girls have to do is buy  a "Beer" or two for almost any guy and then simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex.  Men are rendered literally helpless against such tactics.  Please, Guys!  Be careful -- there are maneaters out there!

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

Is Tequila Right For You?

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila.

Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.  Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila.

Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headaches, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare and Naked Twister.

Ask your bartender if Tequila is right for you.

 OFFICIAL SEXIST STEREOTYPED
GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING!

Yesterday, FDA scientists announced to the world the alarming results of a recent analysis that found the presence of female hormones in beer. This comes as a cruel blow to all men. It is advised that if you are male between the ages of 18 and 85 you may need to seek medical assistance to assess your beer consumption.  Here's the text of the official warning:

WARNING: Drinking beer eventually turns men into women.

THE TEST: 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

THE RESULT: 100% of the men:

1. Gained weight
2. Talked excessively witho! ut! making sense
3. Became overly emotional
4. Couldn't drive
5. Failed to think rationally
6. Argued over nothing
7. Had to sit down while urinating
8. Refused to apologize when wrong

No further testing is planned.

If you can't read it, try pulling your eyes at the corners like you used to do
when you were a kid to look Chinese (many apologies to the Chinese)

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we  used to  enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in  meeting up and rekindling a little of that "magic" .

"Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you  now. I'm a bit older and a little balder than when you last saw  me!"

She just giggled and said she was sure I'd "rise" to the challenge.

"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a  waistline  that's a quite a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying  that tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I wou ld still be a great lover.

"Anyway," she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to fuck off.

An Alternative Viewpoint:

"Ted - I'm sending you an article I cut out of the paper this morning [25/4/00].  I think it is extremely irresponsible for you to promote drinking on your website.  Alcohol is well known to be destructive of religious and family life and society as a whole - its almost as bad as smoking and other dangerous drugs.  This article is more proof of its dangerous effects on all of us.  When I was on the rock, booze was cheap and plentiful, and I saw many, many happily married people get drunk and cheat on their spouses, just because of beer, wine and whiskey, to say nothing of the young unmarried sailors, male and female, who would rush off to have intercourse as soon as they'd had even a couple of beers at the Turner Club.  I even knew some who became homosexuals because they drank too much and were tricked into bed by those kind of people.  My guess is they are all dead of aids by now.  I worked in the clinic, and we had so many cases of STDs, I know the Navy was embarrassed by the statistics.  Anyway, I think they ought to outlaw booze on the rock (and everywhere else for that matter), and you ought to take those pages on your website that promote drunkeness and promiscuity, and delete them right away."  [name withheld by request.]

 

And, lest we forget the poor cows...
Check out the anti-human humbugs of PETA and their proof that beer is better than milk
http://www.milksucks.com/beersurvey.html

Some selections therefrom:

A nutritional comparison of beer and milk reveals that:

Beer has zero fat; milk is loaded with fat. [Help the government busybodies help you meet your USDA recommended Fat Maximums!]

Beer has zero cholesterol; milk contains 20 mg of cholesterol in every 8-oz. serving. [HDL, LDL, I'm so confused - because I drink lots of beer!]

Beer doesn't contain hormones or antibiotics, while milk contains an ever-increasing variety of the pesticides and antibiotics fed to cows, including rBGH, the notorious growth hormone that can give guys breasts.  [Oh, so that's where they came from. Icky-poo!  And here I thought it was because I'm fat]

Beer has half a gram of fiber in every cup; milk has no fiber whatsoever.  [That's why you get the beer shits the next morning - it keeps you regular]

Beer has only 12 mg of sodium per cup. Milk is sky-high in the stuff.  [I was sky high once, and Bill and I didn't even inhale]

Beer has 3 grams of complex carbohydrates in a 12-oz. glass; milk has no complex carbohydrates.  [Just simple sugars, which convert to fat during digestion]
 

" I like my beer with a big juicy steak."
Ted M., Prez, PETA (People who enjoy Tasting Animals)

 http://www.howstuffworks.com/beer.htm
(how to make Homer's favorite beverage)

 And Now, A Medical Opinion mostly concerned with our favorite adult beverage:

Tips for healthy living
by Dr. Deano Adelo

Q.  Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A.  You must grasp logistical efficiencies.  What does a cow eat?  Hay and corn.  And what are these? Vegetables.  So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your
system. Need grain?  Eat chicken.  Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).  And a pork chop can give you a full 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

********** Q.  I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true?
A.  Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.  Everything wears out eventually.  Speeding
up your heart will not make you live longer, that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.  Want to live longer?  Take a nap. ********** Q.  Is beer bad for me?
A.  Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables.  As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories:  Animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer is not animal, and is not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?  My advice:  Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.  ********** Q.  My annual P.T. Test is coming up.  How can I calculate my body/fat ratio to make sure I don't fail?
A.  Well if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one.  If you have two bodies,
your ratio is two to one, etc. ********** Q.  At the gym, a woman asked me to "spot" for her while she did the bench press. What did she mean?
A.  "Spotting" for someone means you stand over her while she blows air up your shorts.  This is "gymnasium short-hand" that she's interested in getting drunk and getting laid.  It's an accepted practice at health clubs in the states - there isn't a better reason to go to a gym. ********** Q.  My CO told me I should quit hanging around the Acey-Deucy Club and head for the gym if I wanted to be heathier.  What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A.  I can't think of a single one, sorry. Unless you are practicing your 12 ounce curls.  My philosophy is No Pain - No Pain. ********** Q.  Someone told me that I can get rid of a beer belly (I'm a Chief, so naturally I have one) by doing sit-ups.  Will sit-ups help?
A.  Definitely not!  When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.  You should only be doing sit-ups if you
want a bigger stomach.

 

The Spice Girls Drinking Game

Well, since its a British Island, there has to be a British Drinking Game involved somewhere...

One of my British Correspondents sent this to me a couple years ago, and although I don't think the Spice Girls actually exist anymore, there are certainly videos of them out there somewhere.  Especially in the Land That Time Forgot...

So, here's how to play this game.  Get the Brits to loan you and your friends a video of any Spice Girl event (concerts, that movie, etc.).  Then sit down to watch with about 10 cases of beer (you'll need that much).  Everyone counts off, 1, 2, 3, etc., and #1 starts the event.  Start the video.  When any of the following events occur, #1 takes the appropriate number of swallows, and the play passes to #2, and so on.  REMEMBER, take SIPS of the beer.  DO NOT drink the appropriate number of CANS of beer - everyone will be passed out within 10 minutes of the opening credits!

O.K., here are the criteria...

When Any Spice Girl:

Reveals a visible nipple - 1
Flashes the "Girl Power" peace sign - 1 (take a second sip if the say it too.)
Fondles another (including goosing) - 2
Flashes their underwear - 2 (3 if its being worn like as an outer garment).
Says something coherent - 5 (don't worry, this won't happen often).

When Geri:

Is shown wearing a piece of clothing that bears a resemblance to the British flag - 1
Keeps her breasts totally covered for more than 60 seconds - 2
Is shown wearing platform boots - 2
Flashes her beaver, finish your drink (this is the only exception to the sipping rule)

When Mel C:

Is shown wearing any emblem of a sports apparel company - 1
Does a backflip - 2
Actually looks as if she actually breasts - 2

When Mel B:

Looks like she's going to bite off someone's head - 1
Shows off her tounge piercing - 1
Has on skin-tight clothes - 1 (if they're some sort of print - leopard, camo, etc. - 2)
Has her hair standing on end in that weird jerry-curl-from-hell fashion - 2

When Emma:

Is wearing that stupid ass "Baby" necklace - 2
Isn't wearning the color white - 2
Doesn't have her hair in pigtails - 3

When Victoria:

Has a complete look of confusion on her face - 1
Is not in high heels - 2
Smiles - 3
Has less than 5 pounds of makeup on - 4

BEER BREAK:
Your Two-Minute Beer Primer For Labor Day, 2001!
From http://www.realbeer.com; Vol. 1, No. 52 - Aug. 30, 2001;

[Editor's Note:  O.K.... So you guys and girls on Good Ol' DG won't be able to try most of these beers today (as I load this on the page), but I will, and I promise to try out most, if not all on your behalf!  Meanwhile, enjoy the day and knock one out of the park for me!]

We asked last week for your input on what beers to serve to an eclectic crowd of beer newbies and those ready for more adventure....here are 10 beers we've chosen for the occasion....remember that this IS NOT a list of the 10 best beers in the world, or presented as the best beers of a particular style. They are 10 beers we chose this week. Ask us tomorrow and we might list 10 completely different beers. And the next day there would
be 10 different ones. They are presented in alphabetical order.

Anchor Steam (from California): Because it's a style that America can call its own, it's tasty but won't overwhelm the taste buds of somebody moving up from mainstream lagers, and because we can then mention how much we like Anchor Liberty and India Pale Ales (we didn't have room for an IPA on this list).

Bell's Expedition Stout (from Michigan): This, on the other hand, is not the first beer to have after a light lager. It's black, viscous and thick on the tongue, sweet upfront and roasty at the finish -- a balanced attack on all your senses. A beer for those ready to find out how big and mean a beer can be.

Duvel (from Belgium): Almost as big as Expedition Stout (8.5 abv) but light in color, a blossoming aroma, creamy mouthfeel, a complex combination of fruit related flavors and a balancing dry finish. Its advocates argue it's the best beer in the world.

Eske's Green Chile Ale (from New Mexico): This IS NOT Ed's Cave Creek Chile beer, which received a fair amount of national attention a few years ago.  That is a light lager with a jalepeno pepper in the bottle. Eske's is a brewpub in Taos, New Mexico, and this is a full-bodied ale with green chiles (chiles are so big in New Mexico that the state question is "Red or Green?") providing as much flavor as heat. A perfect beer to have while sitting out in the sun on Labor Day weekend.

Lindeman's Framboise (from Belgium): A homebrewer nominated this one, because while this raspberry beer based on the lambic of this Belgian brewery is heavy on fruit it's the first beer he's found that his wine-loving wife likes. So this one is for our friends who favor wine.

Samuel Adams Boston Lager (from Massachusetts): If your colleagues like this beer they won't have trouble finding more of it to drink (in bottles) at home or on draft when they drink out -- often even if they live in the hinterlands. It's a perfect beer to offer a drinker of mainstream lagers (brewed both in the United States and elsewhere).

Sierra Nevada Pale Ale (from California): Another one of the pioneer craft beers that won over thousands of beer drinkers. Give somebody a SNPA and a Boston Lager side-by-side to teach them about the difference between ales and lagers, between American hops and Europeans hops, between bottle-conditioned beer and beer that impresses with its clarity. Although Sierra Nevada has a well-earned reputation for using hops, this beer is longer on hop flavor than hop bitterness so shouldn't scare a novice too much.

Spaten Ur-Marzen (from Germany): It's time to start thinking about Oktoberfest, and the original Oktoberfest beer -- first brewed in 1872 -- is still one of the best. Spaten also brews a paler Oktoberfestbier to serve during the massive Oktoberfest celebration in Munich. Strangely, the classic and robust Ur-Marzen is sometimes easier to find in a U.S. supermarket than its home city during the festival.

Tabernash Weisse (from Colorado): Your friends don't like the deep, malty flavor in an Oktoberfest beer? They aren't sure about hops? Then a traditional Bavarian wheat beer might be the style to turn to. This one is made in Longmont, Colo., but available in many other states. A fine combination of banana/fruit flavors, clove in the aroma.  Another thirst-quenching beer for drinking outside on Labor Day.

Victory Lager (from Pennsylvania): This micro in Downingtown, Pa., has a cult following, but lovers of hops and strong beers (Victory specialties) don't talk enough about Victory's all-malt lager. Its depth of flavor is as impressive as Victory's better known HopDevil. A great "next beer" for the mainstream lager drinker, for somebody not sure about those fruity tones in an ale, or for the citrus hop adverse.

I think that I shall never hear
A poem as lovely as a beer
The brew that Joe's bar has on tap
With golden base and snowy cap
The foamy stuff I drink all day
Until my memory melts away
Poems are made by fools I fear
But only <insert favorite brand name here> can make a beer.

-- Stolen from an unknown source

 Hangover Scale

One Star Hangover

No pain.  No real feeling of illness.  You're able to function relatively well.  However, you are still parched.  You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way.  For some reason, you're craving a philly sub and steak fries.

Two Star Hangover

No pain, but something is definitely amiss.  You may look okay but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun.  The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Denny's excursion.  There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover

Slight headache.  Stomach feels crappy.  You are definitely not productive.  Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps' shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink.  Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns.  You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke-yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover

Life sucks.  Your head is throbbing.  You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke.  Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.  You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face.  (for the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.)  Your eyes look like one big red vein and even your hair hurts.  Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day makes the eyes water of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover

You have a second heartbeat in your noggin, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube.  Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.  You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out.  Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you.  You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning.  Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in.  The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass.  Death sounds pretty good about right now.

Don't EVER Pass Out!

Dear Diego Garcia Personnel:

It has been brought to the Captain's attention that some individuals here in our "One Island, One Team" paradise have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their fellow sailors.

Due to complaints received from some of those sailors who may be easily offended, the Captain has asked me to inform the various commands that this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

He does, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with your fellow squids.

Therefore, a Command-approved list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a fucking bitch.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the fuck didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, it all counts toward 20.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This fucking job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.

Thank You,
The Chaplain's Office

Additional "Correct Speak" Guidance from the office of the Chaplain:

Avoid using perjorative terms for home regions.  For example, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be  referred to as "HILLBILLIES."   You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN - AMERICANS.

Additional guidance follows.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL  DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP  CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE" whoooooo

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY  APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED  COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMP AIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

The World's Shortest & Happiest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after,
and went fishing and  hunting,
and played golf a lot, and drank beer,
and had shit loads of money,
and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion.  Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.  So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
 
 

Cowboy Lines that have been ruint' by that gay Cowboy movie (Brokeback Mountain)

 1.   "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"
 2.   "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"
 3.   "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."
 4.   "Howdy, pardner."
 5.   "You stay here while I sneak around from behind."
 6.   Two words: "Saddle Sore."
 7.   "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."
 8.   "Let's mount up!"
 9.   "Nice spread ya got there!"
 10. "Ride'em cowboy!"
 11. "I reckon this might hurt a little"
 12. "Get a LOOOOOOONG little dohgy!"

FALL CLASSES FOR MEN PREPARING TO RETURN STATESIDE.

LIMITED TO MEN WITH WIVES AND/OR GIRLFRIENDS BACK HOME.  "DEPLOYMENT WIVES" DO NOT COUNT.

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY November 15, 2006

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

 Classes begin Monday, November 30, 2006

Class 1
 How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.  Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

 Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.  Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.  Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor --- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.  Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.  Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .  Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.  Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.  4 weeks, Saturday noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
On-line Classes and role-playing .  Tuesday at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.  Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours.  Beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.  Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.  Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Although it's been 4 generations since my family spoke with a Southern accent, some of us still appreciate our Confederate-Amercan roots.  So don't mess with us, or we'll kick your ass...Nothin persnal, y'all.

SURVIVAL INFO FOR NORTHERNERS & OTHER AGGRESSORS!
Fifteen Ways To Avoid A Good Old Southern Ass Whuppin

Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners, Northeasterners, Northwesterners, Westerners and Southwestern Urbanites

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House.  It's just a diner.  They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know.  If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's ass whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke.  Accept it.  Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense - Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MTV (when they still played music videos), Netscape (before AOL).  Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (John Edwards, Al Gore, Bill Clinton MCI WorldCom). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her ass.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

14) So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime infested cities like New York, Baltimore or Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box... minus your ass.
 

Subject: On being Southern

Southern women appreciate their natural assets:
Clean skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable Southern drawl.

Southern women know their manners:
"Yes, ma'am."
"Yes, sir."
"Why, no, Billy!"

Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions :
"Y'all come back!"
"Well, bless your heart."
"Drop by when you can."
"How's your Momma?"

Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity

Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The rivuh
The crick

Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:
Colorful hi-heel sandals
Strapless sundresses
Iced sweet tea with mint

Southern women know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah

Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving
Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind

Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football

Southern women know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye gravy
Grits
Eggs
Country ham
Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with momma's homemade jelly

Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl'stn
S'vanah
Foat Wuth
N'awlins
Addlanna

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform.
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food

Suthen-ism's:

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
_____

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
_____

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
_____

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in:  "Going to town, be back directly."
_____

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
_____

All Southerners know exactly when "bye and bye" is.  They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
_____

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad.  If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!
_____

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece."  They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
_____

Only a Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and
po' white trash.
_____

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____

A Southerner knows that "fix" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
_____

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines... and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!
_____

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
_____

In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.
_____

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
_____

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
_____

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk."  Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it --  we do not like our tea unsweetened.  "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
_____

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway.  You just say, "Bless her heart", and go your own way.
_____

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southernness:  Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!
_____

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
_____

And for those who are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."

_____

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !

British Law and USN Regulations prohibit one person to be married to another person while both are on Diego Garcia.  And (they say) with GOOD REASON!  At the recent POL/MIL talks in London, the joint command issued a list of these reasons, and directed that every person deployed to DG read them:

 
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.   That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming:
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

DANGEROUS:  What's for dinner?
SAFER:  Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST:  Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE:  Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS:  Are you wearing that?
SAFER:  Wow, you sure look good in brown!
SAFEST:  WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE:  Here, have some wine

DANGEROUS:  What are you so worked up about?
SAFER:  Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST:  Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE:  Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS:  Should you be eating that?
SAFER:  You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST:  Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
ULTRA SAFE:  Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS:  What did you DO all day?
SAFER:  I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST:  I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE:  Here, have some more wine.

13 Things PMS Stands For:

Pass My Shotgun
Psychotic Mood Shift
Perpetual Munching Spree
Puffy Mid-Section
People Make me Sick
Provide Me with Sweets
Pardon My Sobbing
Pimples May Surface
Pass My Sweatpants
Pissy Mood Syndrome
Plainly; Men Suck
Pack My Stuff
Potential Murder Suspect

A love story......

I will seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,
Signed,
The FLU

 

Indian Yoga:

Irish Yoga:

If It Weren't For Guiness, The Irish Would Rule The World.

The work of Steven Wright, erudite scientist and comic:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- They don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.