Want to know more about the beer that makes every
man a tiger, and every woman beautiful?
Yeah, yeah, I
know times have changed out there, and Fosters,
Newcastle Brown, Tiger Beer, and Coors are available, but there is only
one truely tropical nautical beer - the one that John Wayne, Ward Bond
and the rest of that P.T. Boat crew drank in that little bar on
in the 1943 movie "They Were Expendible." Except for the kid that
had to drink milk because he wasn't 21 yet.
Check out the San
Miguel Home Page
2007 "Tropic Times" advertises San Miguel at the package store for
that in 1987 it was $4.00/CASE (plus a $1.00 deposit for the bottles).
in 20 years!
Advertisement for an American Brew!
It's just a little 30 second commercial
from the 1970s.
I love Firesign Theater, and hope
they will forgive me for using their work here if I put in a pitch for
me and the rest of the retired hippies and buy their stuff!
Play Bear Whiz Beer by clicking on Elvira:
as well Brandy as Wine, and all our strong compounded Drinks, such as
Ale, Punch, Double-Beer, Fine-Ale, &c. are all drank to Excess, and
that to such a Degree, as to become the Poison, as well of our Health
of our Morals; fatal to the Body, to Principles, and even to the
and we see daily Examples of Men of strong Bodies drinking themselves
the Grave; and which is still worse, Men of strong Heads, and good
drinking themselves into Idiotism and Stupidity..."
Author - Daniel
Defoe in A
Plan of the English Commerce. Defoe also wrote Robinson
and clearly understood the situation on Diego Garcia...
O.K. So it's not
just Beer, but here's
Bob Mrocskrowski's recipe for MOJO:
1/2 PINT RUM
1/2 PINT CHERRY BRANDY
1 ORANGE SODA
1 BIG GLASS OF PINEAPPLE JUICE
At last, a beer ad that tells it like it is...
The closest I ever got to a 4.0
in high school was my blood alcohol content.
Our favorite liberty bars were
unlike no other watering holes or dens of iniquity inhabited by
They had to meet strict standards to be in compliance with the
requirement for a sailor beer-swilling dump.
first and foremost requirement
was a crusty old gal serving suds.
had to be able to wrestle King
Kong to parade rest. Be able to balance a tray with one hand, knock
of the way with the other hand and skillfully navigate through a
milling-around drunks. On slow nights, she had to be the kind of gal
give you a back-scratch or put her foot on the table so you could
new ankle bracelet some "mook" brought her back from a Hong Kong
good barmaid had to be able to
whisper sweet nothings in your young sailor ear like, "I love you no
you buy me Honda??"
a pack of Clorets and chew
up the whole thing before you get within heaving range of any gal you
to see again."
from the crusty old gal behind
the bar, "Hey animals, I know we have a crowd tonight, but if any of
guys find the head facilities fully occupied and start pissing down the
drain, you're gonna find yourself scrubbing the deck with your white
barmaids had to be able to
admire great tattoos, look at pictures of ugly bucktooth kids and
able to help haul drunks to cabs and comfort 19-year-olds who had lost
he thought loved him in a dark corner booth. They could look at your
identification shoulder tab and tell you the names of the Skippers back
time you were a Cub Scout.
you came in after a late night
maintenance problem and fell asleep with a half eaten Slim-Jim in your
they tucked your peacoat around you, put out the cigarette you left
the ashtray and replaced the warm draft you left sitting on the table
cold one when you woke up.
because they were one of the
few people on the face of the earth that knew what you did, and
what you were doing. And if you treated them like a decent human being
didn't drive 'em nuts by playing songs they hated on the juke box, they
lean over the back of the booth and park their soft, warm tits on your
when they sat two San Miguel beers in front of you.
the imported table wipe-down guy
and glass-washer, trash-dumper, deck-swabber and paper towel replacer.
had to have baggy tweed pants and a gold tooth and a grin like a 1950
And a name like "Ramon", "Juan", "Pedro" or
"Tico". He had to smoke unfiltered Luckies, Camels or Raleighs. He
wiped the tables down with a sour wash rag that smelled like a billy
crotch and always said, "How are choo navee mans tonight?" He was the
indispensable man. The guy with credentials that allowed him to borrow
Slim-Jims, Beer Nuts and pickled hard-boiled eggs from other beer
they ran out where he worked.
establishment itself: The place
had to have walls covered with ship and squadron plaques. The walls
with enlarged unit patches and the dates of previous deployments. A
more old, yellowed photographs of fellows named "Buster",
"Chicago", "P-Boat Barney", "Flaming Hooker
Harry", "Malone", "Honshu Harry", "Jackson",
"Douche Bag Doug", and "Capt Slade Cutter" decorated any
unused space. It had to have the obligatory Michelob, Pabst Blue Ribbon
"Beer Nuts sold here" neon signs. An eight-ball mystery beer tap
handle and signs reading:
mother does not work
here, so clean away your frickin trash."
your hands off the
throw butts in
word is final in
your fights out in the
alley behind the bar!"
reserves the right to
waltz your worthless sorry ass outside."
are responsible for
riding herd on their ship/squadron drunks."
was typical signage found in
any good liberty bar.
had to have a juke-box built
along the lines of a Sherman tank loaded with Hank Williams, Mother
Carter, Johnny Horton, Johnny Cash and twenty other crooning goobers
ever heard of. The damn thing has to have "La Bamba", Herb Alpert's
"Lonely Bull" and Johnny Cash's "Don't take your guns to
town." The furniture in a real good liberty bar had to be made
coal mine shoring lumber and was not fully acceptable until it had 600
cigarette burns and your ship's numbers or "F**k the Navy" carved
into it. The bar had to have a brass foot-rail and at least six
containers, an oversized glass cookie jar full of Beer-Nuts, a jar of
hard-boiled eggs that could produce rectal gas emissions that could
a fraternity party, and big glass containers full of something
Pickled Pigs' Feet and Polish Sausage.
drunk Chiefs and starving
Ethiopians ate pickled pig's feet and unless the last three feet of
had been manufactured by Midas, you didn't want to get anywhere near
liberty bar was complete without
a couple of hundred faded ship or airplane pictures and a "Shut
hell up!" sign taped on the mirror behind the bar along with several
rather tasteless naked lady pictures. The pool table felt had to have
three strategic rips as a result of drunken competitors and balls that
as if a gorilla baby had teethed on the sonuvabitches.
bars were home and it didn't
matter what country, state, or city you were in. When you walked into a
liberty bar, you felt at home. These were also establishments where
kids received an education available nowhere else on earth. You learned
"tell" and "listen" to sea stories.
learned about sex at $10 a pop
-- from professional ladies who taught you things your high school
teacher didn't know were anatomically possible. You learned how to make
two-cushion bank shot and how to toss-down a beer and shot of Sun Torry
as a "depth charge."
were young and a helluva long way
from home. We were pulling down crappy wages for twenty-four hours a
days a-week availability and loving the life we lived. We didn't know
it at the
time, but our association with the men we served with forged us into
the men we
became. And a lot of that association took place in bars where we
stories accumulated in our, up to then, short lives. We learned about
that life could be tough on a gal.
many of our classmates were
attending college, we were getting an education slicing through the
rolling seas in WestPac, experiencing the orgasmic rush of a night cat
the heart-pounding drama of the return to the ship with the
arrestment to a pitching deck. The hours of tedium, boring holes in the
at night, experiencing the periodic discomfort of turbulence, marveling
creation of St. Elmo's Fire, and sometimes having our reverie
when we came ashore on liberty,
we could rub shoulders with some of the finest men we would ever
bars our mothers would never have approved of, in saloons and cabarets
would live in our memories forever.
live those liberties in WestPac
and in the Med - They were the greatest!
man who may be asked in
this century what he did to make his life worthwhile I think can
respond with a
good deal of pride and satisfaction, I SERVED IN THE UNITED STATES
JFK August 1, 1963
Scientific Proof that Beer is
Good For You
herd of buffalo can only move as fast
as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest
and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural
is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health
the whole group keeps improving by the regular attrition of the weakest
In much the same way, the human brain
only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of
we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest
weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of
eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more
machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock
one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
Enron, you would have had $16.50 left
of the original $1,000.00. With WorldCom, you would have had less than
if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of
beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the
aluminum recycling REFUND, You would have had $214.00.
on the above, the best current investment
advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
called the 401-Keg Plan
To your health!
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1
liter of Water each day, at the end of the year we would have
more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other
words, we are Consuming 1 kilo of poop!
, we do not run that risk when drinking BEER (or rum,
whiskey,vodka, wine or other liquors), because alcohol has to go
a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
WATER = POOP
BOOZE = HEALTH
So, it is better to drink adult
beverages and talk shit than to drink
water and be full of shit.
Of Course, there are many
things that can go
wrong whist drinking beer, so here is the
Official PPDRDG Beer Troubleshooting
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet
being held at incorrect angle.
Rotate glass so that open end points toward
warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest Marine,
unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar (all
the correct knots).
contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass
applied to wrong
part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in
FAULT: You are looking through bottom
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to
seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Obtain ride to dorm from friendly
Police Van takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded
ACTION: Cover mouth.
Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is
sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just
it was them.
recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice
remember the words to the song.
Beer is just right.
Translation Guide For Those Times
When Your Little Head Is Doing All The Thinking...
what happens when you finally get that
long-sought for leave, and travel to the exotic destinations of the
looking for another beer, and a girl to share it with? Well, it
matter if its in Singapore, Bankok, Manila, or Jakarta, you'll have to
learn the lingo first! Here's
Warren Carter's translation guide for
these special moments.
(How are you, future boyfriend?)
(You're a fat pig!)
"Miss na miss
(I miss your money!)
"Mahal na mahal
(I love your money!)
(Would you hurry up and come, I'm tired and I
want to watch TV.)
"We go boom
(I'd like to watch TV.)
(Where am I staying tonight? Does it have
aircon, a minibar, and a nice pool?)
(Where will you move me and my family?)
(I have a large family, so you better be able
to support them!)
"Will you support
(Will you support me, my Filipino boyfriend,
our two children, and sixteen relatives?)
"You buy me ladies
(May I have 500 pesos, please?)
"You pay my
(May I have 1500 pesos, please?)
"You barfine my
(May I have 5000 pesos, please?)
(I'm cute, you're an ugly, bald slob)
(You have some hair left, how nice!)
(You're fat and your breath smells!)
(You're a stupid fool who pays me too much!)
"You barfine me
(Are you my gravy train?)
(Are you smart?)
"I work here four
only" (I've been here for
"I work at [another bar]
(I was kicked out of [another bar] for showing
up drunk and late every day.)
(We need to stop at my friend's bars so I can
(I want to dance with my friends while you make
a fool of yourself.)
"I have one
(I've got stretchmarks under my shorts.)
"I have two
(My vagina is like a train tunnel.)
"I have no
(I have two babies but no stretch marks.)
"I no like
(Quiet, my friends will hear. Of course I'll
give you a blowjob.)
"I no like Filipino
(I like Filipino boys.)
"I no like
(My last boyfriend was American. He dumped
"Up to you [regarding
(As much as you can afford)
"Up to you
to go/do]" (Take me dancing. Now, fat boy!)
"I Cherry Girl (alternate
(I haven't been fucked up the ass or in my
ears or nose yet.)
"I Cherry Girl
2)" (My Filipino
won't let me spend the
night with a foreigner...yet. How much
money do you have again?)
"I Cherry Girl (alternate
(I haven't screwed for a whole week and I had
my VD test last Tuesday)
(I only go with other men for money)
"You're my only
(One more and I'll have a dozen)
"You hard on
(The 2" X 4" strapped to your ass chafed my
(Buy me drinks then get lost elephant man)
"I'm shy to
(Only if you pay extra will I leave the light
on let you watch)
Don't forget to
check out the Girls
of Olongopo 1940s-1990s!
For those who remember
City, here's a page for you!
And Then... You
and Take Her Stateside...
And You Discover:
- Your refrigerator is always full but you cannot find
any food that you
- Instead of a dowry, you got the whole bill for the
wedding and honeymoon.
- Most of the decorations in your house are made of
- You are expected to be able to read her mind just by
watching her eyebrows
move up and down and which way her lips are pointed.
- All her relatives think your name is Joe.
- The instant you are married you have 3000 new close
relatives that you
can't tell apart.
- Your house isn't really on fire, but there is a very
charred fish right
on top of the stove burner.
- All the desserts are sticky and all the snacks are
- She eats her fruit with giant salt crystals and her
fried chicken with
- Even the ketchup tastes weird... very weird.
- You throw a party and everyone is fighting to chop the
off a dead pig.
- All your kids have 4-5 middle names.
- Your in-laws take 10 years to acknowledge your
existence and to call
you by something other than "that white guy".
- You try to call her up on the phone and someone tells
you "for a while"
and you want to know "for a while, what??"
- You are trying to go to sleep and she keeps asking for
and you ain't got a clue what she's talking about.
- Your first Christmas present is some funny looking
baggy see-thru shirt
made out of leftover lace doilies.
- Your phone bills are all international and average 3
hours per call.
- She sweeps with something that witches usually fly
- Her idea of classy, expensive champagne is Asti
- The rice cooker is on 24 hours a day and uses up 50%
of your electric
and food budget.
- On your first trip to the Philippines, you have 18
giant boxes that
weigh 1000 pounds each and your "carry on" luggage requires a small
- The same luggage is over filled with things that cost
an average of
15 cents each like old magazines and M&Ms -- the worst part is when
you get off the plane, the same stuff you've been hauling around half
around the world is available in every store in the airport for half
- All her pajamas look like they were worn by the Dalai
Lama until they
got too faded.
- The first time she's pregnant you have to go out at
4:00 in the morning
looking for some weird type of greasy sausages.
- You buy a new freezer so she can store 200 pounds of
SPAM that was on
- Everything in your house was bought on sale, even if
you don't need
it...as long as it was a "bargain" is all that matters.
- She gets really excited by sucking the fat out of pig
- Your daughter gets her ears pierced when she's 2
minutes old but your
sons are not circumcised until they turn 21.
- All your postage bills instantly double.
- You hire a Ya-Ya because your wife thinks you clean
mirrors with soap
and a sponge and the Ya-Ya seems cheaper than a divorce.
- The only "white meat" she likes is You, and that's if
- Her favorite sauce is called "patis," Americans call
- She actually thinks that bowling and golf and
billiards are real sports
and are more important than baseball and football.
- You were married 5 years before she explained to you
that "ARAY!" doesn't
mean "ooh, baby!"
- She prefers bistek to beef steak.
- Her idea of new upholstery is rinsing the bagoong
stains out of the
- She can eat and talk at the same time, in fact that's
- She thinks that the American National Anthem is The
- Her favorite meal is leftovers, her favorite fancy
dessert is Jello
mold and for something REALLY romantic, she'll offer you a halo-halo
- You still don't know what's the difference between
manong and manok.
- She and the kids are always saying "Daddy made utot"
and you still don't
know what it means but they think it's pretty funny.
- Other than eyebrow raising and lip puckering, her next
form of communication is grunts and pssst's.
- She goes to the movies just for the AC.
- Her homeland has more Megamalls than islands.
- Before every holiday and visit, her sisters fax you a
10 page "bilins"
list which says "suggestion only".
- Your kitchen table has a merry-go-round in the middle.
- All the vegetables she buys at the Filipino store look
like they were
grown at Chernobyl.
- Your in-law's first visit lasts 6 years.
- Her friends are named Chinky, Girlie, Boy and Bimbo
and you are not
allowed to smirk.
- Her home economics course only taught shopping, eating
and siesta; cooking,
cleaning and sewing were not electives.
- Her idea of edifying reading is gossip magazines.
- All your place settings has the silverware backwards
and there are no
- She washes her hair with a bucket and her car with a
- Her favorite book (she has 3 copies) is "1001 New
Recipes for Pig Parts
You Were Gonna Throw Out".
- You are the only family in a 200 mile radius with 2
Betamaxes, 3 televisions.
- She's done her best job planning a surprise party for
you if she manages
not to tell you about it until a week or two before.
- She "cleans" her closet by throwing all the crap into
- AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST: You are pretty proud of
yourself because you
think you snagged up for yourself some unique, rare, tropical goddess
until you go to the Philippines and can't tell her apart from anyone
in the whole country (unless she's taller than 5'1" -- then it's a bit
Course, We Can't Slight Our
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
WOMEN'S ENGLISH TRANSLATION
Emotionally Secure...On medication.
hair in the
Professional.........Witch with a capital B.
Large frame..........Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate......Stalker.
We need to
Do what you
will pay for this later.
I am not
course, I am upset, you moron!
You're certainly attentive
sex all you ever think about?
ENGLISH TRANSLATION GUIDE
May I have this
like to have sex with you.
Can I call you
like to have sex with you.
Do you want to go to a
like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to
like to have sex with you.
have sex now.
have sex now.
Those shoes don't go with with that
Beer vs. Pussy
Most of us men on
DG spent a long, long celibate
year out there! We drowned our sorrows with endless glasses of
because we couldn't get the pussy we so desparately desired!
we weren't so unlucky afterall - looks like we actually broke
As the following study by the Yale Brewer's Institute reveals, like as
not, beer is a better choice:
is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement.
tastes horrible served hot. A
pussy tastes better served hot.
an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy,
you are not disgusted.
beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you
can come in.
much head makes you mad at the person giving
you a beer.
beer is brewed with yeast, it is still
come home smelling like beer, your wife
may get mad. If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely
beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
socially acceptable to have a beer in
the stands at a football game. You are a legend if you have a
in the stands at a football game.
cop smells beer on your breath, you are
going to get a breathalyzer. If a cop smells pussy on your
you are going to get a high five.
beer, bigger is better.
a condom does not make a beer any less
think all day about the next pussy you
will have, you are normal. If you think all day about your next
you are an alcoholic.
labels off of beers is fun. Peeling
panties off of pussy is more fun.
try to snag a beer at work, you get
fired. If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with
suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
change to another beer, your old brand
will gladly have you back.
best pussy you have ever had is not gone
once you have enjoyed it. The worst pussy you have ever had is
gone once you have enjoyed it.
beer: Schlitz, PBR, Old Swill. Bad
pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright. Good beer:
Moosehead, Steinlager, St. Pauli Girl, anything by Pete. Good
Almost all but the above.
Advantage: Can't determine
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can
hear Mom's wise words:
pick that up, you don't know where
Some Thoughts on Sex, Beer and
that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome
things that money can buy.
by the World's Greatest Scholars
know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither.
- Steve Martin
without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless
experiences go, it's pretty damned good.
sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand.
- Woody Allen
isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
- George Burns
age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
- Camille Paglia
are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL
- Lynn Lavner
when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery
all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they
might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to
myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come
true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
-- Jack Handy
sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
-- Frank Sinatra
problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're
-- William Butler Yeats
intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time
with his fools.
-- Ernest Hemingway
do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you
to keep your mouth shut.
-- Ernest Hemingway
is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
-- Catherine Zandonella
a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying
himself a pleasure.
-- Ambrose Bierce
provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that
truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy girls.
-- Ross Levy
woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank
-- W.C. Fields
contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
-- W.C. Fields
read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-- Henny Youngman
is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all
of the time and have the time of your life.
-- Michelle Mastrolacasa
rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
-- Tom Waits
hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
-- Stephen Wright
we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
-- Brian O'Rourke
can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline.
It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear
but at the very least you need a beer.
-- Frank Zappa
remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol
has taken out of me.
-- Winston Churchill
is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-- Benjamin Franklin
ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet
it makes beer shoot out your nose.
-- Deep Thought, Jack Handy
question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind
is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but
the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-- Dave Barry
problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
-- Humphrey Bogart
me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
-- Kaiser Wilhelm
would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet, tasty beer.
-- Homer Simpson
all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and
oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital
-- Dave Barry
right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's
just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
-- Homer Simpson
girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.
-- Steve Jobs
- from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals
through his wallet.
-- Robin Williams
problem is that God gave men a brain and a penis, but only enough
blood to run one at a time.
-- Robin Williams
immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
-- Rodney Dangerfield
might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.
-- Sharon Stone
mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
-- Jack Nicholson
lied. A man might forget where he parks or even where
he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.
-- Barbara Bush
complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as
the only time of the month I can be myself.
-- Roseanne Barr
to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing
in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.
They say that women are too judgemental, where, of course, men are just
-- Robert De Niro
of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
like and just give her a house.
-- Rod Stewart
See The World's First Jet Powered Beer Cooler!
Alcohol Warning Labels
government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine
and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter!
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath
that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.
Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing
like an idiot.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same
boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay things
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss
what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office
Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
heck ever happened to your pants anyway.
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over
in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or
you can't remember).
Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable
rug burn on the forehead.
Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that
you are tougher, more handsome, and smarter than some really, really,
big biker guy named "Big Al."
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically converse with others without spitting.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you
are invisible. Or can fly.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people
are laughing WITH you.
Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the
time-space continuum, whereby small and sometimes large gaps of time
seem to literally disappear.
Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
PLEASE READ THIS!!!
IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR ALL
WHO GO OUT TO CLUBS, BARS &
you must be alert and cautious when getting
a drink offer from girls in clubs and bars and at parties. There
is a new drug that is in liquid form. The drug is now being used
by female sexual predators to induce their male victims to have sex
them. The shocking news is that the drug is available virtually
It goes by the street name "Beer". All girls have to do is
buy a "Beer" or two for almost any guy and then simply ask the
home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered literally
against such tactics. Please, Guys! Be careful -- there are
maneaters out there!
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if
it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
Is Tequila Right For You?
Do you have feelings of
inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do
you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of
these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about Tequila.
Tequila is the safe, natural
way to feel better and more confident
about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of
your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing
do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits
of Tequila almost immediately, and with
a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent
you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will
be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never
you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila.
Tequila may not be right for
everyone. Women who are pregnant or
nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind
or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include
dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration,
erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of
loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headaches,
dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of
Poker, Truth Or Dare and Naked Twister.
Ask your bartender if Tequila
is right for you.
GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING!
FDA scientists announced to the
world the alarming results of a recent analysis that found the presence
of female hormones in beer. This comes as a cruel blow to all men. It
advised that if you are male between the ages of 18 and 85 you may need
to seek medical assistance to assess your beer consumption.
the text of the official warning:
Drinking beer eventually turns
men into women.
TEST: 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer
each within a 1 hour period.
RESULT: 100% of the men:
1. Gained weight
2. Talked excessively witho! ut! making sense
3. Became overly emotional
4. Couldn't drive
5. Failed to think rationally
6. Argued over nothing
7. Had to sit down while urinating
8. Refused to apologize when wrong
further testing is planned.
can't read it, try pulling your eyes at the corners like
you used to do
were a kid to look Chinese (many apologies to the Chinese)
got a phone call from a gorgeous
ex-girlfriend the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the
wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't
believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and
rekindling a little of that "magic" .
"Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep
pace with you now. I'm a bit older and a little balder than when
you last saw me!"
She just giggled and said she was sure I'd
"rise" to the challenge.
"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind
a man with a waistline that's a quite a few inches wider
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me, saying that tubby bald men were cute, and she was
sure I would still be a great lover.
"Anyway," she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds
So I told her to fuck off.
An Alternative Viewpoint:
"Ted - I'm sending you an article I cut out of the
this morning [25/4/00]. I think it is extremely irresponsible for
you to promote drinking on your website. Alcohol is well known to
be destructive of religious and family life and society as a whole -
almost as bad as smoking and other dangerous drugs. This article
is more proof of its dangerous effects on all of us. When I was
the rock, booze was cheap and plentiful, and I saw many, many happily
people get drunk and cheat on their spouses, just because of beer, wine
and whiskey, to say nothing of the young unmarried sailors, male and
who would rush off to have intercourse as soon as they'd had even a
of beers at the Turner Club. I even knew some who became
because they drank too much and were tricked into bed by those kind of
people. My guess is they are all dead of aids by now. I
in the clinic, and we had so many cases of STDs, I know the Navy was
by the statistics. Anyway, I think they ought to outlaw booze on
the rock (and everywhere else for that matter), and you ought to take
pages on your website that promote drunkeness and promiscuity, and
them right away." [name withheld by request.]
And, lest we forget the poor
Check out the anti-human humbugs of PETA and their proof that beer
is better than milk
nutritional comparison of beer and milk reveals that:
has zero fat; milk is loaded with fat. [Help the government busybodies
help you meet your USDA recommended Fat Maximums!]
" I like
my beer with a big juicy steak."
has zero cholesterol; milk contains 20 mg of cholesterol in every 8-oz.
serving. [HDL, LDL, I'm so confused - because I drink lots of beer!]
doesn't contain hormones or antibiotics, while milk contains an
variety of the pesticides and antibiotics fed to cows, including rBGH,
the notorious growth hormone that can give guys breasts. [Oh, so
that's where they came from. Icky-poo! And here I thought it was
because I'm fat]
has half a gram of fiber in every cup; milk has no fiber
[That's why you get the beer shits the next morning - it keeps you
has only 12 mg of sodium per cup. Milk is sky-high in the stuff.
[I was sky high once, and Bill and I didn't even inhale]
has 3 grams of complex carbohydrates in a 12-oz. glass; milk has no
carbohydrates. [Just simple sugars, which convert to fat during
Ted M., Prez,
PETA (People who enjoy Tasting Animals)
to make Homer's favorite beverage)
Now, A Medical Opinion mostly concerned with our favorite
Tips for healthy living by Dr. Deano Adelo
Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.
Is this true?
A. You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does
a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these?
So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering
system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good
source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop
give you a full 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable
Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding
your heart will not make you live longer, that's like saying
you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to
live longer? Take a nap.
Is beer bad for me?
Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables.
As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three
Animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer is not animal,
is not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one
right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your
My annual P.T. Test is coming up. How can I calculate
my body/fat ratio to make sure I don't fail?
Well if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio
is one to one. If you have two bodies,
ratio is two to one, etc.
At the gym, a woman asked me to "spot" for her while she did
the bench press. What did she mean?
"Spotting" for someone means you stand over her while she
blows air up your shorts. This is "gymnasium short-hand" that
interested in getting drunk and getting laid. It's an accepted
at health clubs in the states - there isn't a better reason to go to a
My CO told me I should quit hanging around the Acey-Deucy Club
and head for the gym if I wanted to be heathier. What are some of
the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
I can't think of a single one, sorry. Unless you are practicing
your 12 ounce curls. My philosophy is No Pain - No Pain.
Someone told me that I can get rid of a beer belly (I'm a Chief,
so naturally I have one) by doing sit-ups. Will sit-ups help?
Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets
bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you
a bigger stomach.
From the Annals of History Past:
The Spice Girls Drinking Game
since its a British Island, there has to be a British Drinking
Game involved somewhere...
of my British Correspondents sent this to me a couple years ago,
and although I don't think the Spice Girls actually exist anymore,
are certainly videos of them out there somewhere. Especially in
Land That Time Forgot...
here's how to play this game. Get the Brits to loan you
and your friends a video of any Spice Girl event (concerts, that movie,
etc.). Then sit down to watch with about 10 cases of beer (you'll
need that much). Everyone counts off, 1, 2, 3, etc., and #1
the event. Start the video. When any of the following
occur, #1 takes the appropriate number of swallows, and the play passes
to #2, and so on. REMEMBER, take SIPS of the beer. DO NOT
the appropriate number of CANS of beer - everyone will be passed out
10 minutes of the opening credits!
here are the criteria...
When Any Spice Girl:
a visible nipple - 1
Flashes the "Girl Power" peace sign - 1 (take a second sip if the
say it too.)
Fondles another (including goosing) - 2
Flashes their underwear - 2 (3 if its being worn like as an outer
Says something coherent - 5 (don't worry, this won't happen often).
shown wearing a piece of clothing that bears a resemblance to
the British flag - 1
Keeps her breasts totally covered for more than 60 seconds - 2
Is shown wearing platform boots - 2
Flashes her beaver, finish your drink (this is the only exception
to the sipping rule)
When Mel C:
shown wearing any emblem of a sports apparel company - 1
Does a backflip - 2
Actually looks as if she actually breasts - 2
When Mel B:
like she's going to bite off someone's head - 1
Shows off her tounge piercing - 1
Has on skin-tight clothes - 1 (if they're some sort of print - leopard,
camo, etc. - 2)
Has her hair standing on end in that weird jerry-curl-from-hell
fashion - 2
wearing that stupid ass "Baby" necklace - 2
Isn't wearning the color white - 2
Doesn't have her hair in pigtails - 3
a complete look of confusion on her face - 1
Is not in high heels - 2
Smiles - 3
Has less than 5 pounds of makeup on - 4
Another Historic Beer Break:
Your Two-Minute Beer Primer
For Labor Day, 2001!
From http://www.realbeer.com; Vol. 1, No.
52 - Aug. 30, 2001.
think back to that time, before 9/11, and how innocent we were...
Note: O.K.... So you guys and
girls on Good Ol' DG won't be able to try most of these beers today (as
I load this on the page), but I will, and I promise to try out most, if
not all on your behalf! Meanwhile, enjoy the day and knock one
of the park for me!]
asked last week for your input
on what beers to serve to an eclectic crowd of beer newbies and those
for more adventure....here are 10 beers we've chosen for the
that this IS NOT a list of the 10 best beers in the world, or presented
as the best beers of a particular style. They are 10 beers we chose
week. Ask us tomorrow and we might list 10 completely different beers.
And the next day there would be
10 different ones. They are presented in
Anchor Steam (from California): Because
it's a style that America can call its own, it's tasty but won't
the taste buds of somebody moving up from mainstream lagers, and
we can then mention how much we like Anchor Liberty and India Pale Ales
(we didn't have room for an IPA on this list).
Bell's Expedition Stout (from
Michigan): This, on the other hand, is not the first beer to
after a light lager. It's black, viscous and thick on the tongue, sweet
upfront and roasty at the finish -- a balanced attack on all your
A beer for those ready to find out how big and mean a beer can be.
Duvel (from Belgium): Almost
as big as Expedition Stout (8.5 abv) but light in color, a blossoming
creamy mouthfeel, a complex combination of fruit related flavors and a
balancing dry finish. Its advocates argue it's the best beer in the
Eske's Green Chile Ale (from
New Mexico): This IS NOT Ed's Cave Creek Chile beer, which
a fair amount of national attention a few years ago. That is a
lager with a jalepeno pepper in the bottle. Eske's is a brewpub in
New Mexico, and this is a full-bodied ale with green chiles (chiles are
so big in New Mexico that the state question is "Red or Green?")
as much flavor as heat. A perfect beer to have while sitting out in the
sun on Labor Day weekend.
Lindeman's Framboise (from Belgium):
A homebrewer nominated this one, because while this raspberry beer
on the lambic of this Belgian brewery is heavy on fruit it's the first
beer he's found that his wine-loving wife likes. So this one is for our
friends who favor wine.
Samuel Adams Boston Lager (from
Massachusetts): If your colleagues like this beer they won't
trouble finding more of it to drink (in bottles) at home or on draft
they drink out -- often even if they live in the hinterlands. It's a
beer to offer a drinker of mainstream lagers (brewed both in the United
States and elsewhere).
Sierra Nevada Pale Ale (from
California): Another one of the pioneer craft beers that won
thousands of beer drinkers. Give somebody a SNPA and a Boston Lager
to teach them about the difference between ales and lagers, between
hops and Europeans hops, between bottle-conditioned beer and beer that
impresses with its clarity. Although Sierra Nevada has a well-earned
for using hops, this beer is longer on hop flavor than hop bitterness
shouldn't scare a novice too much.
Spaten Ur-Marzen (from Germany):
It's time to start thinking about Oktoberfest, and the original
beer -- first brewed in 1872 -- is still one of the best. Spaten also
a paler Oktoberfestbier to serve during the massive Oktoberfest
in Munich. Strangely, the classic and robust Ur-Marzen is sometimes
to find in a U.S. supermarket than its home city during the festival.
Tabernash Weisse (from Colorado):
Your friends don't like the deep, malty flavor in an Oktoberfest beer?
They aren't sure about hops? Then a traditional Bavarian wheat beer
be the style to turn to. This one is made in Longmont, Colo., but
in many other states. A fine combination of banana/fruit flavors, clove
in the aroma. Another thirst-quenching beer for drinking outside
on Labor Day.
Victory Lager (from Pennsylvania):
This micro in Downingtown, Pa., has a cult following, but lovers of
and strong beers (Victory specialties) don't talk enough about
all-malt lager. Its depth of flavor is as impressive as Victory's
known HopDevil. A great "next beer" for the mainstream lager drinker,
somebody not sure about those fruity tones in an ale, or for the citrus
I think that I shall
A poem as lovely as a beer
The brew that Joe's bar has
With golden base and snowy cap
The foamy stuff I drink all
Until my memory melts away
Poems are made by fools I fear
But only <insert favorite
brand name here> can make a beer.
-- Stolen from an unknown source
One Star Hangover
pain. No real feeling of illness.
You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still
You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason,
craving a philly sub and steak fries.
Two Star Hangover
pain, but something is definitely amiss.
You may look okay but you have the mental capacity of a staple
The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which
is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Denny's
There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover
headache. Stomach feels crappy.
You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you
because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps' shots your
friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you
were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of
coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke-yet you haven't
Four Star Hangover
sucks. Your head is throbbing.
You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has
already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for
of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact
you only shaved one side of your face. (for the ladies, it looks
like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your
eyes look like one big red vein and even your hair hurts. Your
is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take
the day makes the eyes water of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover
have a second heartbeat in your noggin,
which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next
Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing
your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is
you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger
passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate
in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare
thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to
the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good
Don't EVER Pass Out!
Dear Diego Garcia Personnel:
has been brought to the Captain's attention that some individuals
here in our "One Island, One Team" paradise have been using foul
during the course of normal conversation with their fellow sailors.
to complaints received from some of those sailors who may be
easily offended, the Captain has asked me to inform the various
that this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
does, however, realize the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with your fellow
a Command-approved list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY
SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and
information can continue in an effective manner.
SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a fucking bitch.
SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!
SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.
SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?
SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.
SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the fuck didn't you tell me sooner?
SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.
SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, it all counts toward 20.
SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This fucking job sucks.
SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck died and made you boss?
SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.
The Chaplain's Office
"Correct Speak" Guidance
from the office of the Chaplain:
using perjorative terms for home regions.
For example, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no
be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer
them as APPALACHIAN - AMERICANS.
TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed
a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He
"INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers
"GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" -
He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He
develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He
has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out
of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE" whoooooo
TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY
She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is
a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" -
She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED
DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She
gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She
is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS"
- She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is
a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
The World's Shortest &
Happiest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked
a girl, "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever
and went fishing and hunting,
and played golf a lot, and drank
and had shit loads of money,
and farted whenever he wanted.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't
even get into my own pants.
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in
bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on
it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for
president and over fifty for Miss America?
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but,
a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear
loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't
have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now
I just "chunky dunk."
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not
be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain
cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
The University of Diego Garcia Presents:
Cowboy Lines that have
been ruint' by that gay Cowboy movie (Brokeback Mountain)
1. "I'm gonna
pump you fulla lead!"
2. "Give me
a stiff one, barkeep!"
fret---I've been in tight spots before."
5. "You stay
here while I sneak around from behind."
6. Two words:
7. "Hold it
right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."
9. "Nice spread
ya got there!"
10. "Ride'em cowboy!"
11. "I reckon this might
hurt a little"
12. "Get a LOOOOOOONG
FOR MEN PREPARING
TO RETURN STATESIDE.
LIMITED TO MEN WITH
GIRLFRIENDS BACK HOME. "DEPLOYMENT WIVES" DO NOT COUNT.
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND
LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS
Classes begin Monday, November
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and
Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It
Round Table Discussion. Meets 2
Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The
Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Fundamental Differences Between The
Hamper and The Floor --- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They
and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks,
and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote
Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.
Learning How To Find Things ---
Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While
Open Forum . Monday at 8:00 PM, 2
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers
Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three
Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost
Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM Location to be
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit
While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations. 4 weeks,
noon, 2 hours.
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences
Mother and Wife.
On-line Classes and role-playing
at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and
Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2
Beginning at 7:00 PM.
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy ---
Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When
Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and
Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How
Live Demonstration. Tuesday at
PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above
diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
The University of Diego Garcia Presents:
FOR WOMEN PREPARING
TO RETURN STATESIDE.
MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday, July 31, 2009
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS,
CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching
for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering To Take a List To The Store,
Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
it's been 4 generations since my family spoke with a Southern accent,
of us still appreciate our Confederate-Amercan roots. So don't
with us, or we'll kick your ass...Nothin persnal, y'all.
INFO FOR NORTHERNERS & OTHER AGGRESSORS!
Ways To Avoid A Good Old Southern Ass Whuppin
by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners,
Northwesterners, Westerners and Southwestern Urbanites
Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's
just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook
something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez,
Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.
Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's
called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's ass whether it's Pepsi, RC,
Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept it.
otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (Welty,
Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't
refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your ass.
We have plenty of business sense - Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton,
Broadcasting, MTV (when they still played music videos), Netscape
AOL). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment
(John Edwards, Al Gore, Bill Clinton MCI WorldCom). We don't care if
think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our
in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would
Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to
and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the
you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit
Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.
We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up.
spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.
Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know
that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy.
don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get
your ass kicked.
Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know
Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and
and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is
ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.
Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we
want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we
saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's
all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your
Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes
or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic
we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.
Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold
open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things
expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little
gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass
like they did ours.
So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the
That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly,
infested cities like New York, Baltimore or Boston. Make fun of our
air, and we'll kick your ass.
Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to
barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked).
lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you
will go home in a pine box... minus your ass.
On being Southern
women appreciate their natural assets:
unforgettable Southern drawl.
women know their manners:
women have a distinct way with fond expressions :
bless your heart."
by when you can."
women know their summer weather report:
women know their vacation spots:
women know the joys of June, July, and August:
sweet tea with mint
women know everybody's first name:
women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
With The Wind
women know their religions:
women know their country breakfasts:
homemade biscuits with momma's homemade jelly
women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
women know their elegant gentlemen:
girls know their prime real estate:
girls know the 3 deadly sins:
bad hair and nails
a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption
fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas,
beans, etc., make up "a mess."
a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of
a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going
to town, be back directly."
Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the
granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the
of the table.
Southerners know exactly when "bye and bye" is. They might not
the term, but they know the concept well.
a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a
neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big
of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis,
they also know to add a large banana puddin'!
Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a
right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be
1 mile or 20.
a Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a
a good ol' boy, and
true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn
is actually going to make a turn.
Southerner knows that "fix" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
Southerners make friends while standing in lines... and when we're "in
line," we talk to everybody!
100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're
even if only by marriage.
the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.
know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are
wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried
green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are
in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea
the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea
"Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old
who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart",
and go your own way.
those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your
Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the
Bless your heart!
to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this
Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have
on Southernness as a second language!
for those who are not from the South but have lived here for a long
all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't
from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."
girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !
Everybody Knows, British
Law and USN Regulations
prohibit one person to be married to another person while both are on
Garcia. And (they say) with GOOD REASON! At the recent
talks in London, the joint command issued a list of these reasons, and
directed that every person deployed to DG read them:
recently read that love is entirely
a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me
a man steals your wife, there is no better
revenge than to let him keep her.
marriage, husband and wife become two
sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay
all means marry. If you get a good wife,
you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
inspires us to great things, and prevents
us from achieving them.
great question... which I have not been
able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
had some words with my wife, and she had
some paragraphs with me.
people ask the secret of our long marriage.
We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little
dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
don't worry about terrorism. I was married
for two years."
a way of transferring funds that is
even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
had bad luck with both my wives. The
first one left me, and the second one didn't."
secrets to keep your marriage brimming:
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it once...
know what I did before I married? Anything
I wanted to.
wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
good wife always forgives her husband when
is the only war where one sleeps with
man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:
"Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said
same thing: "You can have mine."
Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.
Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you sure look good in brown!
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine
What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.
Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.
What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more wine.
13 Things PMS Stands For:
Pass My Shotgun
Psychotic Mood Shift
Perpetual Munching Spree
People Make me Sick
Provide Me with Sweets
Pardon My Sobbing
Pimples May Surface
Pass My Sweatpants
Pissy Mood Syndrome
Plainly; Men Suck
Pack My Stuff
Potential Murder Suspect
A love story......
I will seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way
I will make you ache, shake & sweat
moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me
I will exhaust you to the point that you
will be relieved
when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak
All my love,
The Swine FLU
If It Weren't For Guiness, The Irish Would Rule The World.
Wright, erudite scientist and comic:
1 - I'd
kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
from pessimists -- They don't expect it back.
people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers
give the rest a bad name.
all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A
is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A
is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you want
the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
had a psychic girlfriend.....but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's
the speed of dark?
How do you
tell when you're out of invisible ink?
seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
is merely anger without enthusiasm.
is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
to live forever......so far, so good.
is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
if you get scared half to death twice?
told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
Why do psychics
have to ask you for your name?
If at first
you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
is the place where you got tired of thinking.
is something you don't get until just after you need it.
ness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
I woke up
one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact
Politically Incorrect Chinese Proverbs
For those who don't know, it is not a slur to leave out 'the',
etc. from Chinese languages -
these languages don't contain those modifiers...
January ---- I
Man who run
in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind
car get exhausted.
Man who walk
through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
Man with one
chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch
ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many
prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong:
man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best
thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
War does not
determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put
husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight
with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many
nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive
like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand
on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live
in glass house should change clothes in basement!
Man who fish
in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart
in church sit in own pew.
smell different to midget.
of those stupid
ran over a
fireman because I'm sexy and I want to do that."
the month you were born:
February --- I
March ------ I
April ------ I
May -------- I
June ------- I
July ------- I
did the Macarena
August ----- I
September -- I
October ---- I
November --- I
December --- I
the day (number) you were born on:
1 ----- a
2 ----- a
3 ----- a phone
4 ----- a fork
5 ----- a
6 ----- a
7 ----- my
8 ----- my dog
9 ----- my
10 ---- my
11 ---- my
12 ---- a
13 ---- a
14 ---- a
15 ---- a goat
16 ---- a
17 ---- your
18 ---- a spoon
19 ---- myself
20 ---- a
21 ---- a ninja
22 ---- Chuck
23 ---- a
24 ---- a
25 ---- a
26 ---- my
27 ---- my
28 ---- an ipod
29 ---- a
30 ---- a llama
31 ---- a
the color of shirt you are wearing:
because I'm cool
how I roll.
NOT a homosexual.
voices told me to.
sexy and I do what I want.
because I just
gotta be me.
because I was
offered me $1,000,000.
because I just
don't like people.
because I was
because I can't
control my self.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
is the Mensa Invitational which once again asked participants to take
word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one letter -- and supply a new definition. The 2007 winners are:
(n.): the act of buying or building a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
a person who's both stupid and an asshole.
(n.): euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize
it was your money to start with.
(n.): coming back to life as a hillbilly .
the substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from
etrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of
down in the near future.
(n.): the color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're
vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't
(v.): to take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
(n.): terminal coolness.
(n.): a degenerate disease.
(n.): It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes,
then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.
(n.): the grueling event of getting through the day consuming only
that are good for you.
all talk and no action.
(n.): the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at
fit (n.): the frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally
through a spider web.
(n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at
in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Show Your Personality! Before you order a drink in public, you
read this! Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they
'nail' a woman's personality based on what she drinks.
interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
A: WOMEN-DRINKS, WHO THEY ARE, & YOU!
Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana
Older, more refined, high maintenance, has
very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she
Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's
interested, she'll send YOU a drink.
Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet
Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet
evenings with friends.
Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated,
actually, she has NO clue.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this
should be an easy target.
Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking
to get totally drunk... and naked.
Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been
blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be
careful not to make her mad!
explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.
B: MAN-DRINKS & WHO THE MEN ARE!
Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid .
He is hoping that the wine will give him a
sophisticated image to help him get laid.
He doesn't give a damn about anything but
He is thinking he has a chance with the
Zinfandel: He's gay
What is the
difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
wash her crack and sell it again.
What's a mixed
When you see
your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
height of conceit?
orgasm and calling out your own name.
definition of macho?
from your vasectomy.
difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
actually search for a golf ball
Do you know
how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
Why is divorce
What is a Yankee?
The same as
a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What do Tupperware
and a walrus have in common?
like a tight seal.
What do a Christmas
tree and priest have in common?
are just for decoration.
difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
difference between purple and pink?
How do you
find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It's not hard.
How do you
circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister
in the jaw.
difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
Why do men
find it difficult to make eye contact?
If the dove
is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
What is the
difference between medium and rare?
is medium, eight inches is rare.
Why do women
rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
have balls to scratch!
Recent research shows that there
are 7 kinds of sex:
Smurf Sex: This kind of
sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you
are blue in the face.
Kitchen Sex: This is when
you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so excited
you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
Bedroom Sex: This is when
you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten
and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
Hallway Sex: This is when
you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other
in the hallway you both say "screw you."
Religious Sex: Which means
you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
Courtroom Sex: This is
when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court
and screws you in front of everyone.
And last, but not least, Social
Security Sex: You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.
About A Well-Aged
PROBABLY EXPLAINS IT ALL...
WHO SURVIVED the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!
we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they
took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get
tested for diabetes.
after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs
with bright colored lead-based paints.
had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when
we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took
infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats,
seats, seat belts or air bags.
in the back of a pick-up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE
died from this.
ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with
sugar, but we weren't overweight because we were always outside playing.
would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were
when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all
And we were O.K.
would run through the DDT fog when the mosquito spray truck went
the neighborhood, and didn't die.
would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride
the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the
bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all,
no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound
CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat
we had friends and we went outside and found them!
fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
from these accidents.
ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us
were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks
tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put
out very many eyes.
rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or
the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had
to learn to deal with disappointment.
idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
actually sided with the law.
generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers
and inventors ever.
of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
YOU WILL NEVER GET A CHAIN
LETTER E-MAIL FROM THIS SITE!
BUT I GET THEM ALL THE
AND FIGURED I SHOULD SHARE THEM WITH YOU...
I must send my
thanks to whoever sent
me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now use a
wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I scrub the top of every can I open
for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave
it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for
the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that
will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and
are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have
363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted
my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens
are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even
though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within
I no longer drink Coca Cola because I've learned
that it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy gasoline without taking someone
along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat
I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since
the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put
God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave
because it causes cancer. I now know that I can't boil a cup
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my
me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone
will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx
since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French
and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone
will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with
to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will
change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman
Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to my many Internet friends, I can't
use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is
under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to the great advice, I will never
pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was
there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000
people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on
your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon, and the fleas from 12 camels will
infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will
because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....
PS: A South American scientist from Argentina,
after a lengthy study,has discovered that people with insufficient
and sexual activity read the web pages they are surfing with their hand
on the mouse.
Don't bother taking
it off now, it's too late.
WORDS WOMEN USE
Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
and you need to shut up.
Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, 'five minutes' means at
half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been
five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
should definitely be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'nothing'
usually end in 'fine.'
Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
Loud Sigh: This isn't actually a word, but is a non-verbal
is often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of 'nothing.')
That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman
to a man. 'That's okay' means she wants to think long and hard before
how and when you will pay for your mistake.
Thanks: A woman is thanking you! Do not question, or faint...just
Whatever: This is a woman's way of saying 'up yours!'
Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement,
is something that a woman has told a man to do, more than likely
times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man
'What's wrong?' For the woman's response, refer to #3.
OVERHEARD IN THE COLONOSCOPY
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're
boldly going where no man has gone before !"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we
there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're
now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners,
7. "You put your left hand in,
you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet
9. "If your hand doesn't fit,
you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if
you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive
at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "Now I know why I am not
13. "Could you write a note for
my wife saying that my head is not up there?"
The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services.
The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.. (Yes, that's 80
The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.
Statistics courtesy of FBI
statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous
gun owners. Remember, 'GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE, DOCTORS DO!'
Not everyone has a gun, but almost everyone has at least one
Please alert your friends
this alarming threat. We must ban Doctors before this gets completely
Out of concern for the public at large, I withheld the statistics on
fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.
little animal is called a Naked Mole-Rat, and is found in Africa.
if you are ever feeling sorry for yourself, remember:
don't look like a penis with buck teeth...
often been asked, "What do you do now that you're retired?"
I don't have much of a chemical background but one of the things I
the most is turning beer into urine.
was driving around and saw a sign in front of a house: 'Talking Dog for
rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the
guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting
"You talk?" he asks.
the Beagle replies.
the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So,
Beagle looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young.
wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn
into the toughest branch of the armed services...the United States
You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs'.
no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would
was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the
around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
So, I decided to settle down.
retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up
a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near
characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings
and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of
and now I'm just retired."
guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
dollars," the guy says.
dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling
him so cheap?"
he's such a liar ... He never did any of that stuff. He was in
AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF
SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE
AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE
FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE
~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE
ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON
OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK
SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH,
TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS
LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVEAND SHOULD, USE THE
IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH
A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE
- NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN
PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS
wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and theTampaBay Buccaneers
are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
If 4 out
of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at
from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called
enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig
loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to
a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a
racecar is not called a racist?
the number 11 pronounced onety one?
are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed,
tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Tea employees take coffee breaks?
color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as
get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for their final
about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks,
so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?
they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the
stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others
really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
If a cow
laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
happened to Preparations A through G?
tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words
and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?
became confused when I heard these terms, which reference the word
& County Public 'Service'
is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two
talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few
BAM!!! It all came into perspective. I now understand what all those
agencies are doing to us.
you are now as enlightened as I am.
of us are old enough to appreciate these jokes (served on DG in '70s).
Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are
Try a bookstore-------under fiction.
What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
you are done you will have a place to live.
Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that
Where can it be found?
Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt .'
How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
Tell him you're pregnant.
How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly-----wrinkles?
Take off your glasses
Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles
Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory
Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
On their foreheads.
What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter
'Damn, I remember these.'
who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
All calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
NEW WALL STREET TERMS (October 2008)
THE HALLMARK CARD WRITERS HAVE A BAD DAY...
tire was thumping.
thought it was flat
I looked at the tire...
noticed your cat.
your wife left you,
upset you must be.
don't fret about it...
moved in with me.
back over the years
we've been together,
can't help but wonder...
What the Hell was I thinking?'
on your wedding day!
bad no one likes your husband.
could two people as beautiful as you
such an ugly baby?
always wanted to have
having met you ..
changed my mind.
admit, you brought Religion into my life.
never believed in Hell until I met you.
the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....
you're not here to ruin it for me.
on your promotion.
you like to take this knife out of my back?
probably need it again.
Birthday, Uncle Dad!
only in Tennessee, Arkansas , Kentucky &
look great for your age.
we were together,
always said you'd die for me.
that we've broken up,
think it's time you kept your promise.
have been friends for a very long time ..
say we stop?
so miserable without you
almost like you're here.
on your new bundle of joy.
you ever find out who the father was?
friends and I wanted to do
special for your birthday.
we're having you put to sleep.
your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
at the bright side,
really good pay
do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are
do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is
does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but
check when you say the paint is wet?
do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a
do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are
there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
new to eat will have materialized?
do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum
then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the
one more chance?
is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling
off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when
we complained about the heat?
come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are
from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends --
they're okay, then it's you.
CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market
movement causing an investor
to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month
period when the kids get
no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of
buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of
investors wetting their
pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has
STANDARD & POOR -- Your
life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who
just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your
ex-wife and her lawyer split
your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy
whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day
after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your
money makes as it disappears
down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after
selling it to some poor sucker
for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out
of when you're the sucker
who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past
year investor who's now
locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no
longer in use.
is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational,
which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,
alter it by
adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act
of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for
period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's
both stupid and an ass hole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria
at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your
money to start
4. Reintarnation: Coming back
to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance
surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little
sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation
about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted
very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between
the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee
intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate
disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like,
when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n): The grueling
event of getting through the day consuming only
things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency
of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n):
The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally
walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n): Satan in
the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the
cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n): The color
you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published
the winning submissions to
its yearly contest, in which readers are
asked to supply alternate meanings for common
words. And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The
person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled
by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To
give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To
attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly
answering the door wearing only a
7. Lymph, v. To walk
with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored
9. Flatulence, n . Emergency
vehicle that picks up someone who has
been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A
rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A
humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The
formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A
14. Oyster, n. A
person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The
belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto
the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent. An opening
in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing
your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the
lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same
thing: "You can have mine."
a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her
man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad replied, "That
happens in every country, son."
there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until
I got married, and by then, it was too late."
is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word
you say -- talk in your sleep.
think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking
they had no faults at all.
guy says, "My wife's an angel!" Second guy remarks, "You're
lucky, mine's still alive."
and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind
man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it
overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the
bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a
while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the
blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't
you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound
is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber
at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.