Want to know
more about the beer that makes every man a tiger, and
every woman beautiful?
yeah, I know times have changed out there, and
Fosters, Newcastle Brown, Tiger Beer, and Coors
are available, but there is only one truely
tropical nautical beer - the one that John Wayne,
Ward Bond and the rest of that P.T. Boat crew
drank in that little bar on Zamboanga in the 1943
movie "They Were Expendible." Except for the
kid that had to drink milk because he wasn't 21
Check out the San
BTW, the January 2007 "Tropic Times"
advertises San Miguel at the package store for
Not bad, considering that in 1987 it
was $4.00/CASE (plus a $1.00 deposit for the bottles).
Only 12.5% inflation in 20 years!
Long Live San Miguel Beer!
Advertisement for an American Brew!
It's just a little 30 second
commercial from the 1970s.
I love Firesign Theater, and hope they
will forgive me for using their work here if I put
in a pitch for their stuff.
Join me and the rest of the
retired hippies and buy their stuff!
Play Bear Whiz Beer by clicking on
all, as well Brandy as Wine, and all our
strong compounded Drinks, such as stout Ale,
Punch, Double-Beer, Fine-Ale, &c. are all
drank to Excess, and that to such a Degree, as
to become the Poison, as well of our Health as
of our Morals; fatal to the Body, to
Principles, and even to the Understanding; and
we see daily Examples of Men of strong Bodies
drinking themselves into the Grave; and which
is still worse, Men of strong Heads, and good
Judgment, drinking themselves into Idiotism
Daniel Defoe in A Plan of the English
Commerce. Defoe also wrote
Robinson Crusoe, and clearly understood the
situation on Diego Garcia...
it's not just Beer, but here's Bob Mrocskrowski's
recipe for MOJO:
1/2 PINT RUM
1/2 PINT CHERRY BRANDY
1 ORANGE SODA
1 BIG GLASS OF PINEAPPLE JUICE
At last, a beer ad that tells it like it is...
The closest I
ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood
Our favorite liberty bars were unlike no other
watering holes or dens of iniquity inhabited by
seagoing men. They had to meet strict standards to
be in compliance with the acceptable requirement for
a sailor beer-swilling dump.
first and foremost requirement was a crusty old
gal serving suds.
had to be able to wrestle King Kong to parade
rest. Be able to balance a tray with one hand,
knock sailors out of the way with the other hand
and skillfully navigate through a roomful of
milling-around drunks. On slow nights, she had to
be the kind of gal who would give you a
back-scratch or put her foot on the table so you
could admire her new ankle bracelet some "mook"
brought her back from a Hong Kong liberty.
good barmaid had to be able to whisper sweet
nothings in your young sailor ear like, "I love
you no shit, you buy me Honda??"
a pack of Clorets and chew up the whole thing
before you get within heaving range of any gal you
ever want to see again."
from the crusty old gal behind the bar, "Hey
animals, I know we have a crowd tonight, but if any
of you guys find the head facilities fully occupied
and start pissing down the floor drain, you're gonna
find yourself scrubbing the deck with your white
barmaids had to be able to admire great tattoos,
look at pictures of ugly bucktooth kids and smile.
Be able to help haul drunks to cabs and comfort
19-year-olds who had lost someone he thought loved
him in a dark corner booth. They could look at your
ship's identification shoulder tab and tell you the
names of the Skippers back to the time you were a
came in after a late night maintenance problem and
fell asleep with a half eaten Slim-Jim in your hand,
they tucked your peacoat around you, put out the
cigarette you left burning in the ashtray and
replaced the warm draft you left sitting on the
table with a cold one when you woke up.
because they were one of the few people on the face
of the earth that knew what you did, and appreciated
what you were doing. And if you treated them like a
decent human being and didn't drive 'em nuts by
playing songs they hated on the juke box, they would
lean over the back of the booth and park their soft,
warm tits on your neck when they sat two San Miguel
beers in front of you.
the imported table wipe-down guy and glass-washer,
trash-dumper, deck-swabber and paper towel replacer.
The guy had to have baggy tweed pants and a gold
tooth and a grin like a 1950 Buick. And a name like
"Ramon", "Juan", "Pedro" or "Tico". He had to smoke
unfiltered Luckies, Camels or Raleighs. He wiped the
tables down with a sour wash rag that smelled like a
billy goat's crotch and always said, "How are choo
navee mans tonight?" He was the indispensable man.
The guy with credentials that allowed him to borrow
Slim-Jims, Beer Nuts and pickled hard-boiled eggs
from other beer joints when they ran out where he
establishment itself: The place had to have walls
covered with ship and squadron plaques. The walls
were adorned with enlarged unit patches and the
dates of previous deployments. A dozen or more old,
yellowed photographs of fellows named "Buster",
"Chicago", "P-Boat Barney", "Flaming Hooker Harry",
"Malone", "Honshu Harry", "Jackson", "Douche Bag
Doug", and "Capt Slade Cutter" decorated any unused
space. It had to have the obligatory Michelob, Pabst
Blue Ribbon and "Beer Nuts sold here" neon signs. An
eight-ball mystery beer tap handle and signs
mother does not work here, so clean away your
your hands off the barmaid."
throw butts in urinal."
is final in settling bets."
your fights out in the alley behind the bar!"
reserves the right to waltz your worthless sorry ass
responsible for riding herd on their ship/squadron
was typical signage found in any good liberty bar.
had to have a juke-box built along the lines of a
Sherman tank loaded with Hank Williams, Mother
Maybelle Carter, Johnny Horton, Johnny Cash and
twenty other crooning goobers nobody ever heard of.
The damn thing has to have "La Bamba", Herb Alpert's
"Lonely Bull" and Johnny Cash's "Don't take your
guns to town." The furniture in a real good
liberty bar had to be made from coal mine shoring
lumber and was not fully acceptable until it had 600
cigarette burns and your ship's numbers or "F**k the
Navy" carved into it. The bar had to have a brass
foot-rail and at least six Slim-Jim containers, an
oversized glass cookie jar full of Beer-Nuts, a jar
of pickled hard-boiled eggs that could produce
rectal gas emissions that could shut down
a fraternity party, and big glass containers
full of something called Pickled Pigs' Feet and
drunk Chiefs and starving Ethiopians ate pickled
pig's feet and unless the last three feet of your
colon had been manufactured by Midas, you didn't
want to get anywhere near the Polish Napalm Dogs.
liberty bar was complete without a couple of hundred
faded ship or airplane pictures and a "Shut
the hell up!" sign taped on the mirror behind the
bar along with several rather tasteless naked lady
pictures. The pool table felt had to have at least
three strategic rips as a result of drunken
competitors and balls that looked as if a gorilla
baby had teethed on the sonuvabitches.
were home and it didn't matter what country, state,
or city you were in. When you walked into a good
liberty bar, you felt at home. These were also
establishments where 19-year-old kids received an
education available nowhere else on earth. You
learned how to "tell" and "listen" to sea stories.
learned about sex at $10 a pop -- from
professional ladies who taught you things your
high school biology teacher didn't know were
anatomically possible. You learned how to make a
two-cushion bank shot and how to toss-down a beer
and shot of Sun Torry known as a "depth charge."
were young and a helluva long way from home. We
were pulling down crappy wages for twenty-four
hours a day, seven days a-week availability and
loving the life we lived. We didn't know it at the
time, but our association with the men we served
with forged us into the men we became. And a lot
of that association took place in bars where we
shared the stories accumulated in our, up to then,
short lives. We learned about women and that life
could be tough on a gal.
of our classmates were attending college, we
were getting an education slicing through the
green rolling seas in WestPac, experiencing the
orgasmic rush of a night cat shot, the
heart-pounding drama of the return to the ship
with the gut-wrenching arrestment to a pitching
deck. The hours of tedium, boring holes in the
sky late at night, experiencing the periodic
discomfort of turbulence, marveling at the
creation of St. Elmo's Fire, and sometimes
having our reverie interrupted with stark
we came ashore on liberty, we could rub
shoulders with some of the finest men we
would ever know, in bars our mothers would never
have approved of, in saloons and cabarets that
would live in our memories forever.
live those liberties in WestPac and in the Med -
They were the greatest!
man who may be asked in this century what he did to
make his life worthwhile I think can respond with a
good deal of pride and satisfaction, I SERVED IN THE
UNITED STATES NAVY."
JFK August 1, 1963
that Beer is Good For You
A herd of buffalo can only move as
fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is
hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back
that are killed first. This natural selection is good
for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the
regular attrition of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the
human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest
brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know,
kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the
slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular
consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,
making the brain a faster and more efficient
machine. That's why you always feel smarter
after a few beers.
If you had purchased $1000.00 of
Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth
With Enron, you would have had
$16.50 left of the original $1,000.00. With
WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00
But, if you had purchased
$1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
the beer, then turned in the cans for the
aluminum recycling REFUND, You would have had
Based on the above, the best
current investment advice is to drink heavily
It's called the 401-Keg Plan
To your health!
has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1
liter of Water each day, at the end of the
year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of
Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other
words, we are Consuming 1 kilo of poop!
we do not run that risk when drinking BEER (or
rum, whiskey,vodka, wine or other liquors),
because alcohol has to go through a distillation
process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
WATER = POOP
BOOZE = HEALTH
So, it is better to drink adult beverages
and talk shit than to drink water and be
full of shit.
Of Course, there
are many things that can go wrong whist drinking
beer, so here is the
Official PPDRDG Beer
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points
Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder
ACTION: Stand next to nearest
Marine, complain about house training.
Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to
bar (all sailors know the correct knots).
Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen
ACTION: See above.
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or
glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom,
practice in mirror.
FAULT: You are looking
through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you
FAULT: You are being carried
ACTION: Find out if you are being
taken to another bar.
Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Obtain ride to dorm from
friendly BIOT Police.
BIOT Police Van takes on colorful aspect and
FAULT: Beer consumption has
exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on
ACTION: Fall on somebody
Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water.
Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you
see, just in case it was them.
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
FAULT: You've wandered into
the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free
Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your
Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
Translation Guide For Those Times When
Your Little Head Is Doing All The Thinking...
Now, what happens when you finally get that
long-sought for leave, and travel to the exotic
destinations of the Orient, looking for another
beer, and a girl to share it with? Well, it
doesn't matter if its in Singapore, Bankok, Manila,
or Jakarta, you'll have to learn the lingo first!
Here's Warren Carter's translation guide for
these special moments.
are you, future boyfriend?)
a fat pig!)
"Miss na miss
miss your money!)
love your money!)
you hurry up and come, I'm tired and I
to watch TV.)
"We go boom
like to watch TV.)
am I staying tonight? Does it have
a minibar, and a nice pool?)
will you move me and my family?)
have a large family, so you better be able
you support me, my Filipino boyfriend,
two children, and sixteen relatives?)
"You buy me ladies
I have 500 pesos, please?)
"You pay my
I have 1500 pesos, please?)
"You barfine my
I have 5000 pesos, please?)
cute, you're an ugly, bald slob)
have some hair left, how nice!)
fat and your breath smells!)
a stupid fool who pays me too much!)
you my gravy train?)
here four months
(I've been here for four years.)
"I work at [another bar]
before" (I was
kicked out of [another bar] for showing
drunk and late every day.)
need to stop at my friend's bars so I can
want to dance with my friends while you make
fool of yourself.)
"I have one
got stretchmarks under my shorts.)
"I have two
vagina is like a train tunnel.)
"I have no
have two babies but no stretch marks.)
"I no like
my friends will hear. Of course I'll
you a blowjob.)
"I no like Filipino
like Filipino boys.)
"I no like
last boyfriend was American. He dumped
"Up to you [regarding
(As much as you can afford)
"Up to you
[regarding what to go/do]" (Take me dancing.
Now, fat boy!)
"I Cherry Girl (alternate
(I haven't been fucked up the ass or in my
or nose yet.)
(My Filipino boyfriend won't let me spend the
with a foreigner...yet. How much
do you have again?)
"I Cherry Girl (alternate
(I haven't screwed for a whole week and I had
VD test last Tuesday)
only go with other men for money)
"You're my only
more and I'll have a dozen)
2" X 4" strapped to your ass chafed my
me drinks then get lost elephant man)
"I'm shy to
if you pay extra will I leave the light
let you watch)
forget to check out the Girls
who remember the Angeles City, here's a
page for you!
And Then... You Marry Her and Take
And You Discover:
- Your refrigerator is always full but you cannot
find any food that you recognize.
- Instead of a dowry, you got the whole bill for
the wedding and honeymoon.
- Most of the decorations in your house are made
- You are expected to be able to read her mind
just by watching her eyebrows move up and down and
which way her lips are pointed.
- All her relatives think your name is Joe.
- The instant you are married you have 3000 new
close relatives that you can't tell apart.
- Your house isn't really on fire, but there is a
very charred fish right on top of the stove
- All the desserts are sticky and all the snacks
- She eats her fruit with giant salt crystals and
her fried chicken with ketchup.
- Even the ketchup tastes weird... very weird.
- You throw a party and everyone is fighting to
chop the leathery skin off a dead pig.
- All your kids have 4-5 middle names.
- Your in-laws take 10 years to acknowledge your
existence and to call you by something other than
"that white guy".
- You try to call her up on the phone and someone
tells you "for a while" and you want to know "for
a while, what??"
- You are trying to go to sleep and she keeps
asking for the comFORT'r, and you ain't got a clue
what she's talking about.
- Your first Christmas present is some funny
looking baggy see-thru shirt made out of leftover
- Your phone bills are all international and
average 3 hours per call.
- She sweeps with something that witches usually
fly around on.
- Her idea of classy, expensive champagne is Asti
- The rice cooker is on 24 hours a day and uses
up 50% of your electric and food budget.
- On your first trip to the Philippines, you have
18 giant boxes that weigh 1000 pounds each and
your "carry on" luggage requires a small forklift
- The same luggage is over filled with things
that cost an average of 15 cents each like old
magazines and M&Ms -- the worst part is when
you get off the plane, the same stuff you've been
hauling around half way around the world is
available in every store in the airport for half
- All her pajamas look like they were worn by the
Dalai Lama until they got too faded.
- The first time she's pregnant you have to go
out at 4:00 in the morning looking for some weird
type of greasy sausages.
- You buy a new freezer so she can store 200
pounds of SPAM that was on sale.
- Everything in your house was bought on sale,
even if you don't need it...as long as it was a
"bargain" is all that matters.
- She gets really excited by sucking the fat out
of pig knees.
- Your daughter gets her ears pierced when she's
2 minutes old but your sons are not circumcised
until they turn 21.
- All your postage bills instantly double.
- You hire a Ya-Ya because your wife thinks you
clean mirrors with soap and a sponge and the Ya-Ya
seems cheaper than a divorce.
- The only "white meat" she likes is You, and
that's if you're lucky.
- Her favorite sauce is called "patis," Americans
call it turpentine.
- She actually thinks that bowling and golf and
billiards are real sports and are more important
than baseball and football.
- You were married 5 years before she explained
to you that "ARAY!" doesn't mean "ooh, baby!"
- She prefers bistek to beef steak.
- Her idea of new upholstery is rinsing the
bagoong stains out of the slip covers.
- She can eat and talk at the same time, in fact
that's her specialty!
- She thinks that the American National Anthem is
- Her favorite meal is leftovers, her favorite
fancy dessert is Jello mold and for something
REALLY romantic, she'll offer you a halo-halo with
- You still don't know what's the difference
between manong and manok.
- She and the kids are always saying "Daddy made
utot" and you still don't know what it means but
they think it's pretty funny.
- Other than eyebrow raising and lip puckering,
her next most expressive form of communication is
grunts and pssst's.
- She goes to the movies just for the AC.
- Her homeland has more Megamalls than islands.
- Before every holiday and visit, her sisters fax
you a 10 page "bilins" list which says "suggestion
- Your kitchen table has a merry-go-round in the
- All the vegetables she buys at the Filipino
store look like they were grown at Chernobyl.
- Your in-law's first visit lasts 6 years.
- Her friends are named Chinky, Girlie, Boy and
Bimbo and you are not allowed to smirk.
- Her home economics course only taught shopping,
eating and siesta; cooking, cleaning and sewing
were not electives.
- Her idea of edifying reading is gossip
- All your place settings has the silverware
backwards and there are no knives.
- She washes her hair with a bucket and her car
with a broom.
- Her favorite book (she has 3 copies) is "1001
New Recipes for Pig Parts You Were Gonna Throw
- You are the only family in a 200 mile radius
with 2 Betamaxes, 3 televisions.
- She's done her best job planning a surprise
party for you if she manages not to tell you about
it until a week or two before.
- She "cleans" her closet by throwing all the
crap into your closet.
- AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST: You are pretty proud of
yourself because you think you snagged up for
yourself some unique, rare, tropical goddess type
until you go to the Philippines and can't tell her
apart from anyone else in the whole country
(unless she's taller than 5'1" -- then it's a bit
Of Course, We Can't Slight
Our California Girls!
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING
WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
with a capital B.
We need to
Do what you
want...........................You will pay
for this later.
I am not
upset.............................Of course, I
am upset, you moron!
You're certainly attentive
tonight.........Is sex all you ever think
May I have this
dance?.....................I'd like to have
sex with you.
Can I call you
sometime?...................I'd like to have
sex with you.
Do you want to go to a
movie?..............I'd like to have sex with
Can I take you out to
dinner?..............I'd like to have sex with
have sex now.
Those shoes don't go with
with that outfit.I'm gay
Beer vs. Pussy
Most of us men on DG
spent a long, long celibate year out there! We
drowned our sorrows with endless glasses of beer,
because we couldn't get the pussy we so desparately
desired! But....maybe we weren't so unlucky
afterall - looks like we actually broke even! As
the following study by the Yale Brewer's Institute
reveals, like as not, beer is a better choice:
beer is always wet. A pussy needs
beer tastes horrible served hot. A pussy
tastes better served hot.
ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an
ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you
are not disgusted.
come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in.
head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get
mad. If you come home smelling like pussy, she will
definitely get mad.
beers in a night and you better not drive. 6
pussies in a night and you have done all the driving
much beer and you will get fat. Buy too much
pussy and you will get poor.
is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands
at a football game. You are a legend if you
have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to
get a breathalyzer. If a cop smells pussy on
your breath, you are going to get a high five.
bigger is better.
condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
you think all day about the next pussy you will
have, you are normal. If you think all day
about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
off of beers is fun. Peeling panties off of
pussy is more fun.
you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with
you suddenly drop a beer, it may break. If you
suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the
dog you are.
you change to another beer, your old brand will
gladly have you back.
pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have
enjoyed it. The worst pussy you have ever had
is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Schlitz, PBR, Old Swill. Bad pussy: Roseanne,
Janet Reno, Madeline Albright. Good beer:
Fosters, Moosehead, Steinlager, St. Pauli Girl,
anything by Pete. Good pussy: Almost all but
Advantage: Can't determine winner
Every time I walk into a
singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you
don't know where it's been."
Some Thoughts on Sex, Beer and
believe that sex is one of the most beautiful,
natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
by the World's Greatest Scholars
"that look" women get when they want sex? Me
- Steve Martin
love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless
experiences go, it's pretty damned good.
is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good
partner, you'd better have a good hand.
- Woody Allen
premarital sex if you have no intention of getting
- George Burns
at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
- Camille Paglia
a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual
arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is
the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
- Lynn Lavner
I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel
ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the brewery and all of their
hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer,
they might be out of work and their dreams would be
shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that
I drink this beer and let their dreams come true
than be selfish and worry about my liver."
-- Jack Handy
feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day.
-- Frank Sinatra
with some people is that when they aren't drunk,
-- William Butler Yeats
man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time
with his fools.
-- Ernest Hemingway
sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach
you to keep your mouth shut.
-- Ernest Hemingway
never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
-- Catherine Zandonella
weak person who yields to the temptation of denying
himself a pleasure.
-- Ambrose Bierce
a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that
truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy
-- Ross Levy
woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the
decency to thank her.
-- W.C. Fields
scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
-- W.C. Fields
I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up
-- Henny Youngman
a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get
wasted all of the time and have the time of your
-- Michelle Mastrolacasa
have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal
-- Tom Waits
in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
-- Stephen Wright
drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
-- Brian O'Rourke
be a real country unless you have a beer and an
airline. It helps if you have some kind of a
football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the
very least you need a beer.
-- Frank Zappa
that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol
has taken out of me.
-- Winston Churchill
proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-- Benjamin Franklin
you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking
beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
-- Deep Thought, Jack Handy
the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine
invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well
-- Dave Barry
with the world is that everyone is a few drinks
-- Humphrey Bogart
a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
-- Kaiser Wilhelm
would kill everyone in this room for a drop of
sweet, tasty beer.
-- Homer Simpson
chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as
hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no
way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
-- Dave Barry
brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so
let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you
-- Homer Simpson
always laughs during sex - no matter what she's
-- Steve Jobs
from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet.
-- Robin Williams
is that God gave men a brain and a penis, but only
enough blood to run one at a time.
-- Robin Williams
doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole
-- Sharon Stone
never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
-- Jack Nicholson
A man might forget where he parks or even where he
lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how
bad it is.
-- Barbara Bush
about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as
the only time of the month I can be myself.
-- Roseanne Barr
a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing
in front of other women. They say that women
are too judgemental, where, of course, men are just
-- Robert De Niro
getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I
don't like and just give her a house.
Go See The World's First Jet
Powered Beer Cooler!
Alcohol Warning Labels
is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine
and liquor, let's at least have a little
truthfulness about the matter!
of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that
could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.
of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an
of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in
of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring
story over and over again until your friends want to
smash your head in.
of alcohol may cause you to thay things like thish.
of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you
REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the
office Christmas party.
of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck
ever happened to your pants anyway.
of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning
and see something really scary (whose species and/or
name you can't remember).
of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug
burn on the forehead.
of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, more handsome, and smarter than some
really, really, really big biker guy named "Big Al."
of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with others without spitting.
of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
invisible. Or can fly.
of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing
of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space
continuum, whereby small and sometimes large gaps of
time may seem to literally disappear.
of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
PLEASE READ THIS!!!
FOR ALL MEN
WHO GO OUT TO CLUBS,
BARS & PARTIES:
must be alert and cautious when getting a drink
offer from girls in clubs and bars and at
parties. There is a new drug that is in liquid
form. The drug is now being used by female
sexual predators to induce their male victims to
have sex with them. The shocking news is that
the drug is available virtually anywhere! It goes by
the street name "Beer". All girls have
to do is buy a "Beer" or two for almost any
guy and then simply ask the guy home for
no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered
literally helpless against such tactics.
Please, Guys! Be careful -- there are
maneaters out there!
If life deals you lemons, make
lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody
Tequila Right For You?
Do you have feelings
of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you
sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to
any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about Tequila.
Tequila is the safe,
natural way to feel better and more confident about
yourself and your actions. Tequila can help
ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the
world that you're ready and willing to do just about
You will notice the
benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a
regimen of regular doses you can overcome any
obstacles that prevent you from living the life you
want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a
thing of the past, and you will discover many
talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and
start living, with Tequila.
Tequila may not be
right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or
nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who
wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are
encouraged to try it.
Side effects may
include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration,
erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of
clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity,
delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headaches,
dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke
and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or
Dare and Naked Twister.
Ask your bartender if
Tequila is right for you.
scientists announced to the world the alarming
results of a recent analysis that found the presence
of female hormones in beer. This comes as a cruel
blow to all men. It is advised that if you are male
between the ages of 18 and 85 you may need to seek
medical assistance to assess your beer
consumption. Here's the text of the official
Drinking beer eventually turns men into women.
100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1
100% of the men:
1. Gained weight
2. Talked excessively witho! ut! making sense
3. Became overly emotional
4. Couldn't drive
5. Failed to think rationally
6. Argued over nothing
7. Had to sit down while urinating
8. Refused to apologize when wrong
testing is planned.
you can't read it, try pulling your eyes at the
corners like you used to do
you were a kid to look Chinese (many apologies to
I got a phone call from a gorgeous
ex-girlfriend the other day. We lost track of time,
chatting about the wild, romantic nights we
used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it
when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting
up and rekindling a little of that "magic" .
"Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep
pace with you now. I'm a bit older and a
little balder than when you last saw me!"
She just giggled and said she was sure I'd
"rise" to the challenge.
"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a
man with a waistline that's a quite a
few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me, saying that tubby bald men
were cute, and she was sure I would still be a
"Anyway," she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds
So I told her to fuck off.
"Ted - I'm sending you an article
I cut out of the paper this morning
[25/4/00]. I think it is extremely
irresponsible for you to promote drinking on
your website. Alcohol is well known to be
destructive of religious and family life and
society as a whole - its almost as bad as
smoking and other dangerous drugs. This
article is more proof of its dangerous effects
on all of us. When I was on the rock,
booze was cheap and plentiful, and I saw many,
many happily married people get drunk and cheat
on their spouses, just because of beer, wine and
whiskey, to say nothing of the young unmarried
sailors, male and female, who would rush off to
have intercourse as soon as they'd had even a
couple of beers at the Turner Club. I even
knew some who became homosexuals because they
drank too much and were tricked into bed by
those kind of people. My guess is they are
all dead of aids by now. I worked in the
clinic, and we had so many cases of STDs, I know
the Navy was embarrassed by the
statistics. Anyway, I think they ought to
outlaw booze on the rock (and everywhere else
for that matter), and you ought to take those
pages on your website that promote drunkeness
and promiscuity, and delete them right
away." [name withheld by request.]
lest we forget the poor cows...
Check out the anti-human humbugs of PETA and their
proof that beer is better than milk
nutritional comparison of beer and milk reveals
zero fat; milk is loaded with fat. [Help the
government busybodies help you meet your USDA
recommended Fat Maximums!]
" I like
my beer with a big juicy steak."
Beer has zero
cholesterol; milk contains 20 mg of
cholesterol in every 8-oz. serving. [HDL, LDL,
I'm so confused - because I drink lots of
Beer doesn't contain
hormones or antibiotics, while milk contains
an ever-increasing variety of the pesticides
and antibiotics fed to cows, including rBGH,
the notorious growth hormone that can give
guys breasts. [Oh, so that's where they
came from. Icky-poo! And here I thought
it was because I'm fat]
Beer has half a gram of
fiber in every cup; milk has no fiber
whatsoever. [That's why you get the beer
shits the next morning - it keeps you regular]
Beer has only 12 mg of
sodium per cup. Milk is sky-high in the
stuff. [I was sky high once, and Bill
and I didn't even inhale]
Beer has 3 grams of
complex carbohydrates in a 12-oz. glass; milk
has no complex carbohydrates. [Just
simple sugars, which convert to fat during
Ted M., Prez, PETA
(People who enjoy Tasting Animals)
(how to make Homer's
A Medical Opinion mostly concerned with our
favorite adult beverage:
for healthy living by Dr. Deano Adelo
Q. Should I cut down on meat
and eat more fruits and vegetables?
Q. I've heard that
cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is
A. You must grasp logistical efficiencies.
What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And
what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is
nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering
vegetables to your
system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is
also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you a full
100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable
A. Your heart is only good
for so many beats, and that's it. Everything
wears out eventually. Speeding
up your heart will not make you
live longer, that's like saying you can extend the
life of your car by driving it faster. Want to
live longer? Take a nap.
Q. Is beer bad for me?
A. Look, it goes to the
earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we
all know, scientists divide everything in the world
into three categories: Animal, mineral, and
vegetable. We all know that beer is not animal, and is
not on the periodic table of elements, so that only
leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a
burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q. My annual P.T. Test is
coming up. How can I calculate my body/fat ratio
to make sure I don't fail?
A. Well if you have a body,
and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies,
your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q. At the gym, a woman asked
me to "spot" for her while she did the bench press.
What did she mean?
A. "Spotting" for someone
means you stand over her while she blows air up your
shorts. This is "gymnasium short-hand" that
she's interested in getting drunk and getting
laid. It's an accepted practice at health clubs
in the states - there isn't a better reason to go to a
Q. My CO told me I should
quit hanging around the Acey-Deucy Club and head for
the gym if I wanted to be heathier. What are
some of the advantages of participating in a regular
A. I can't think of a single
one, sorry. Unless you are practicing your 12 ounce
curls. My philosophy is No Pain - No Pain.
Q. Someone told me that I
can get rid of a beer belly (I'm a Chief, so naturally
I have one) by doing sit-ups. Will sit-ups help?
A. Definitely not!
When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you
want a bigger stomach.
the Annals of History Past:
The Spice Girls Drinking Game
Well, since its a British Island,
there has to be a British Drinking Game involved
One of my British Correspondents sent
this to me a couple years ago, and although I don't
think the Spice Girls actually exist anymore, there
are certainly videos of them out there
somewhere. Especially in the Land That Time
So, here's how to play this
game. Get the Brits to loan you and your friends
a video of any Spice Girl event (concerts, that movie,
etc.). Then sit down to watch with about 10
cases of beer (you'll need that much). Everyone
counts off, 1, 2, 3, etc., and #1 starts the
event. Start the video. When any of the
following events occur, #1 takes the appropriate
number of swallows, and the play passes to #2, and so
on. REMEMBER, take SIPS of the beer. DO
NOT drink the appropriate number of CANS of beer -
everyone will be passed out within 10 minutes of the
O.K., here are the criteria...
When Any Spice Girl:
Reveals a visible nipple - 1
Flashes the "Girl Power" peace sign - 1 (take a second
sip if the say it too.)
Fondles another (including goosing) - 2
Flashes their underwear - 2 (3 if its being worn like
as an outer garment).
Says something coherent - 5 (don't worry, this won't
Is shown wearing a piece of clothing
that bears a resemblance to the British flag - 1
Keeps her breasts totally covered for more than 60
seconds - 2
Is shown wearing platform boots - 2
Flashes her beaver, finish your drink (this is the
only exception to the sipping rule)
When Mel C:
Is shown wearing any emblem of a
sports apparel company - 1
Does a backflip - 2
Actually looks as if she actually breasts - 2
When Mel B:
Looks like she's going to bite off
someone's head - 1
Shows off her tounge piercing - 1
Has on skin-tight clothes - 1 (if they're some sort of
print - leopard, camo, etc. - 2)
Has her hair standing on end in that weird
jerry-curl-from-hell fashion - 2
Is wearing that stupid ass "Baby"
necklace - 2
Isn't wearning the color white - 2
Doesn't have her hair in pigtails - 3
Has a complete look of confusion on
her face - 1
Is not in high heels - 2
Smiles - 3
Has less than 5 pounds of makeup on - 4
Historic Beer Break:
Your Two-Minute Beer Primer For
Labor Day, 2001!
From http://www.realbeer.com; Vol. 1, No. 52 - Aug.
Just think back to that time,
before 9/11, and how innocent we were...
O.K.... So you guys and girls on Good Ol' DG won't
be able to try most of these beers today (as I load
this on the page), but I will, and I promise to try
out most, if not all on your behalf!
Meanwhile, enjoy the day and knock one out of the
park for me!]
We asked last week for your
input on what beers to serve to an eclectic crowd
of beer newbies and those ready for more
adventure....here are 10 beers we've chosen for
the occasion....remember that this IS NOT a list
of the 10 best beers in the world, or presented as
the best beers of a particular style. They are 10
beers we chose this week. Ask us tomorrow and we
might list 10 completely different beers. And the
next day there would be 10 different ones. They
are presented in alphabetical order.
Anchor Steam (from California): Because
a style that America can call its own, it's tasty
but won't overwhelm the taste buds of somebody
moving up from mainstream lagers, and because we can
then mention how much we like Anchor Liberty and
India Pale Ales (we didn't have room for an IPA on
Bell's Expedition Stout (from Michigan):
This, on the other hand, is not the first beer to
have after a light lager. It's black, viscous and
thick on the tongue, sweet upfront and roasty at the
finish -- a balanced attack on all your senses. A
beer for those ready to find out how big and mean a
beer can be.
Duvel (from Belgium): Almost as
big as Expedition Stout (8.5 abv) but light in
color, a blossoming aroma, creamy mouthfeel, a
complex combination of fruit related flavors and a
balancing dry finish. Its advocates argue it's the
best beer in the world.
Eske's Green Chile Ale (from New
Mexico): This IS NOT Ed's Cave Creek Chile
beer, which received a fair amount of national
attention a few years ago. That is a light
lager with a jalepeno pepper in the bottle. Eske's
is a brewpub in Taos, New Mexico, and this is a
full-bodied ale with green chiles (chiles are so big
in New Mexico that the state question is "Red or
Green?") providing as much flavor as heat. A perfect
beer to have while sitting out in the sun on Labor
Lindeman's Framboise (from Belgium):
A homebrewer nominated this one, because while this
raspberry beer based on the lambic of this Belgian
brewery is heavy on fruit it's the first beer he's
found that his wine-loving wife likes. So this one
is for our friends who favor wine.
Samuel Adams Boston Lager (from
Massachusetts): If your colleagues like
this beer they won't have trouble finding more of it
to drink (in bottles) at home or on draft when they
drink out -- often even if they live in the
hinterlands. It's a perfect beer to offer a drinker
of mainstream lagers (brewed both in the United
States and elsewhere).
Sierra Nevada Pale Ale (from
California): Another one of the pioneer
craft beers that won over thousands of beer
drinkers. Give somebody a SNPA and a Boston Lager
side-by-side to teach them about the difference
between ales and lagers, between American hops and
Europeans hops, between bottle-conditioned beer and
beer that impresses with its clarity. Although
Sierra Nevada has a well-earned reputation for using
hops, this beer is longer on hop flavor than hop
bitterness so shouldn't scare a novice too much.
Spaten Ur-Marzen (from Germany):
It's time to start thinking about Oktoberfest, and
the original Oktoberfest beer -- first brewed in
1872 -- is still one of the best. Spaten also brews
a paler Oktoberfestbier to serve during the massive
Oktoberfest celebration in Munich. Strangely, the
classic and robust Ur-Marzen is sometimes easier to
find in a U.S. supermarket than its home city during
Tabernash Weisse (from Colorado):
Your friends don't like the deep, malty flavor in an
Oktoberfest beer? They aren't sure about hops? Then
a traditional Bavarian wheat beer might be the style
to turn to. This one is made in Longmont, Colo., but
available in many other states. A fine combination
of banana/fruit flavors, clove in the aroma.
Another thirst-quenching beer for drinking outside
on Labor Day.
Victory Lager (from Pennsylvania):
This micro in Downingtown, Pa., has a cult
following, but lovers of hops and strong beers
(Victory specialties) don't talk enough about
Victory's all-malt lager. Its depth of flavor is as
impressive as Victory's better known HopDevil. A
great "next beer" for the mainstream lager drinker,
for somebody not sure about those fruity tones in an
ale, or for the citrus hop adverse.
I think that I
shall never hear
A poem as lovely as a beer
The brew that Joe's bar has
With golden base and snowy
The foamy stuff I drink all
Until my memory melts away
Poems are made by fools I
But only <insert
favorite brand name here> can make a
-- Stolen from an
No pain. No real feeling of
illness. You're able to function relatively
well. However, you are still parched. You
can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For
some reason, you're craving a philly sub and steak
Two Star Hangover
No pain, but something is definitely
amiss. You may look okay but you have the mental
capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are
chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which
is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the
3:00 AM Denny's excursion. There is some
definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover
Slight headache. Stomach feels
crappy. You are definitely not productive.
Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the flavored schnapps' shots your
alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would
be better right now if you were home in your bed
watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of
coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet
Coke-yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover
Life sucks. Your head is
throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else
you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted
you for being late and has given you a lecture for
reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but
that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side
of your face. (for the ladies, it looks like you
put your make-up on while riding the bumper
cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein and
even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in
perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you
take during the day makes the eyes water of everyone
who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover
You have a second heartbeat in your
noggin, which is actually annoying the employee who
sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping
out of every pore and making you dizzy. You
still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your
mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get
the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body
has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue
is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest
idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your
bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate
results in a fire hose like discharge of
alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown
in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to
be to splash the toilet water all over your ass.
Death sounds pretty good about right now.
Dear Diego Garcia
It has been brought to the
Captain's attention that some individuals here in
our "One Island, One Team" paradise have been using
foul language during the course of normal
conversation with their fellow sailors.
Due to complaints received from
some of those sailors who may be easily offended,
the Captain has asked me to inform the various
commands that this type of language will no longer
He does, however, realize the
critical importance of being able to accurately
express your feelings when communicating with your
Therefore, a Command-approved list
of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have
been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and
information can continue in an effective manner.
TRY SAYING: I think you could use
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive
INSTEAD OF: She's a fucking bitch.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule
INSTEAD OF: Why the fuck didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded
at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, it all counts toward 20.
TRY SAYING: I don't think you
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This fucking job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take
care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.
The Chaplain's Office
Speak" Guidance from the office of the Chaplain:
using perjorative terms for home regions. For
example, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West
Virginians will no longer be referred to as
"HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to
them as APPALACHIAN - AMERICANS.
Additional guidance follows.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND
BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER
GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He
"INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers
"GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops
a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his
pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE" whoooooo
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND
BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a
"CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a
"LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMP
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She
is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW
The World's Shortest &
Happiest Fairy Tale
upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you
The girl said, "NO!"
And the guy lived happily
and went fishing and
and played golf a lot, and
and had shit loads of money,
and farted whenever he
food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get
into my own pants.
changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with
I saw a
woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on
it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
How come we
choose from just two people to run for president
and over fifty for Miss America?
friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a
true friend will be sitting next to you saying,
"Wow...that was fun!"
I signed up
for an exercise class and was told to wear
loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting
clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first
When I was
young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just
with an idiot; people watching may not be able to
tell the difference.
you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells
go, but FAT cells live forever.
The University of
Diego Garcia Presents:
Lines that have been ruint' by that gay Cowboy
movie (Brokeback Mountain)
"I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"
2. "Give me a
stiff one, barkeep!"
fret---I've been in tight spots before."
5. "You stay
here while I sneak around from behind."
6. Two words:
7. "Hold it
right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal
8. "Let's mount
9. "Nice spread
ya got there!"
10. "Ride'em cowboy!"
11. "I reckon this might
hurt a little"
12. "Get a LOOOOOOONG little
CLASSES FOR MEN PREPARING TO RETURN STATESIDE.
MEN WITH WIVES AND/OR GIRLFRIENDS BACK
HOME. "DEPLOYMENT WIVES" DO NOT COUNT.
REGISTRATION MUST BE
COMPLETED BY November 15, 2006
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY
AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS
SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Classes begin Monday,
November 30, 2006
How To Fill Up The Ice
Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide
Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and
Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does
It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Is It Possible To Urinate
Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? ---
Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday
10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for
After Dinner Dishes --- Can
They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video. Meets
4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours
beginning at 7:00 PM.
Loss Of Identity --- Losing
The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support
Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday
Learning How To Find Things
--- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And
Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum . Monday at
8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Health Watch --- Bringing Her
Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio
Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday,
Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Real Men Ask For Directions
When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM Location to
Is It Genetically Impossible
To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations. 4
weeks, Saturday noon, 2 hours.
Learning to Live --- Basic
Differences Between Mother and Wife.
On-line Classes and
role-playing . Tuesday at 7:00 PM, location
to be determined.
How to be the Ideal Shopping
Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4
weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours.
Beginning at 7:00 PM.
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy
--- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other
Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To
Cerebral Shock Therapy
Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three
nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is
and How It Is Used.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the
above courses, diplomas will be issued to the
of Diego Garcia Presents:
WOMEN PREPARING TO RETURN STATESIDE.
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday, July 31, 2009
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED
TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs
beginning at 7:00 PM..
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet
Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a
Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into
The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours
at 7:00 PM
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be
Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds
of Soaps and Shampoos?
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00
PM for 2 hours.
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes
Without an Insurance Claim.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without
Throwing Passengers Through the
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours
beginning at 7:00 PM.
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering To
Take a List To The Store, Avoiding Separate
Trips for Each Item Needed.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00
PM for 2 hours.
Although it's been 4
generations since my family spoke with a
Southern accent, some of us still
appreciate our Confederate-Amercan
roots. So don't mess with us, or
we'll kick your ass...Nothin persnal,
SURVIVAL INFO FOR
NORTHERNERS & OTHER AGGRESSORS!
To Avoid A Good Old Southern Ass Whuppin
the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL
visiting Northerners, Northeasterners,
Northwesterners, Westerners and
Don't order filet mignon or pasta
primavera at Waffle House. It's just
a diner. They serve breakfast 24
hours a day. Let them cook something they
know. If you confuse them, they'll
kick your ass.
Don't laugh at our Southern names
(Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy
Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just
HAVE to kick your ass.
Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of
soda down here. Down here it's called
Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's ass
whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up
or whatever... it's still a Coke.
Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead
to an ass kicking.
We know our heritage. Most of us are more
literate than you (Welty, Williams,
Faulkner). We are also better educated and
generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us
as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick
We have plenty of business sense - Fred
Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Turner
Broadcasting, MTV (when they still played
music videos), Netscape (before
AOL). Naturally, we do, sometimes,
have small lapses in judgment (John
Edwards, Al Gore, Bill Clinton MCI
WorldCom). We don't care if you think we
are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let
someone move to our state in order to run
for the Senate. If someone tried to do
that, we would kick his/her ass.
Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If
Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked
Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending
Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying
taxes to Richmond instead of Washington.
If you visit Stone Mountain and complain
about the carving, we'll kick your ass.
We are fully aware of how high the
humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just
spend your money and get the hell out of
here, or we'll kick your ass.
Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel.
Everyone will instantly know that you're a
Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God
intended with gravy. And don't put sugar
on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
Don't fake a Southern accent. This will
incite a riot, and you will get your ass
talk about how much better things are at
home because we know better. Many of us
have visited Northern hellholes like
Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the
scars to prove it. If you don't like it
here, Delta is ready when you are. Move
your ass on home before it gets kicked.
we know how to speak proper English. We
talk this way because we don't want to
sound like you. We don't care if you don't
understand what we are saying. All other
Southerners understand what we are saying,
and that's all that matters. Now, go away
and leave us alone, or we'll kick your
complain that the South is dirty and
polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have
caught fire recently. If you whine about
OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all
the way back to Boston Harbor.
ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir
and ma'am. We hold doors open for others.
We offer our seats to old folks because
such things are expected of civilized
people. Behave yourselves around our sweet
little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll
kick some manners into your ass just like
they did ours.
you think we're quaint, or losers, because
most of us live in the countryside? That's
because we have enough sense to not live
in filthy, smelly, crime infested cities
like New York, Baltimore or Boston. Make
fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your
but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down
here and tell us how to cook barbecue.
This will get your ass shot (right after
it is kicked). You're lucky we let you
come down here at all. Criticize our
barbecue, and you will go home in a pine
box... minus your ass.
Subject: On being Southern
Southern women appreciate
their natural assets:
Southern women know their
Southern women have a
distinct way with fond expressions :
when you can."
Southern women know their
summer weather report:
Southern women know their
Southern women know the
joys of June, July, and August:
tea with mint
Southern women know
everybody's first name:
Southern women know the
movies that speak to their hearts:
Southern women know their
Southern women know their
biscuits with momma's homemade jelly
Southern women know their
cities dripping with Southern charm:
Southern women know their
Southern girls know their
prime real estate:
Southern girls know the 3
hair and nails
Only a Southerner knows the
difference between a hissie fit and a
conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE"
them, you "PITCH" them.
Only a Southerner knows how
many fish, collard greens, turnip greens,
peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
Only a Southerner can show or
point out to you the general direction of
Only a Southerner knows exactly
how long "directly" is, as in: "Going
to town, be back directly."
Even Southern babies know that
"Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the
white, granular sweet substance that sits in
a pretty little bowl in the middle of the
All Southerners know exactly
when "bye and bye" is. They might not
use the term, but they know the concept
Only a Southerner knows
instinctively that the best gesture of
solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a
plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of
cold potato salad. If the neighbor's
trouble is a real crisis, they also know to
add a large banana puddin'!
Only Southerners grow up
knowing the difference between "right near"
and "a right far piece." They also
know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile
Only a Southerner both knows
and understands the difference between a
redneck, a good ol' boy, and
po' white trash.
No true Southerner would ever
assume that the car with the flashing turn
signal is actually going to make a turn.
A Southerner knows that "fix"
can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
Only Southerners make friends
while standing in lines... and when we're
"in line," we talk to everybody!
Put 100 Southerners in a room
and half of them will discover they're
related, even if only by marriage.
In the South, y'all is
singular, all y'all is plural.
Southerners know grits come
from corn and how to eat them.
Every Southerner knows tomatoes
with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are
perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is
also a breakfast food; and that fried green
tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
When you hear someone say,
"Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know
you are in the presence of a genuine
Only true Southerners say
"sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet
tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of
it -- we do not like our tea
unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you
don't want buttermilk.
And a true Southerner knows you
don't scream obscenities at little old
ladies who drive 30 MPH on the
freeway. You just say, "Bless her
heart", and go your own way.
To those of you who are still a
little embarrassed by your
Southernness: Take two tent revivals
and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in
the morning. Bless your heart!
And to those of you who are
still having a hard time understanding all
this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts,
I hear they are fixin' to have classes on
Southernness as a second language!
And for those who are not from
the South but have lived here for a long
time, all y'all need a sign to hang on
y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from
the South, but I got here as fast as I
Southern girls know men may
come and go, but friends are fahevah !
Knows, British Law and USN Regulations
prohibit one person to be married to another
person while both are on Diego Garcia.
And (they say) with GOOD REASON! At the
recent POL/MIL talks in London, the joint
command issued a list of these reasons, and
directed that every person deployed to DG read
I recently read that love
is entirely a matter of chemistry. That
must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
When a man steals your wife,
there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
After marriage, husband and wife
become two sides of a coin; they just can't face
each other, but still they stay together.
By all means marry. If you get a
good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one,
you'll become a philosopher. Socrates
Woman inspires us to great
things, and prevents us from achieving them.
The great question... which I
have not been able to answer... is, "What does a
I had some words with my wife,
and she had some paragraphs with me.
"Some people ask the secret of
our long marriage. We take time to go to a
restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight,
dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I
"I don't worry about terrorism.
I was married for two years."
"There's a way of transferring
funds that is even faster than electronic banking.
It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my
wives. The first one left me, and the second one
Two secrets to keep your
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
The most effective way to
remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
You know what I did before I
married? Anything I wanted to.
My wife and I were happy for
twenty years. Then we met.
A good wife always forgives her
husband when she's wrong.
Marriage is the only war where
one sleeps with the enemy.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the
classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a
hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You
can have mine."
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.
you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you sure look good in brown!
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine
are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.
you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples
SAFEST: Can I get you a piece of chocolate
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.
did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more wine.
PMS Stands For:
Pass My Shotgun
Psychotic Mood Shift
Perpetual Munching Spree
People Make me Sick
Provide Me with Sweets
Pardon My Sobbing
Pimples May Surface
Pass My Sweatpants
Pissy Mood Syndrome
Plainly; Men Suck
Pack My Stuff
Potential Murder Suspect
I will seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my
way with you.
I will make you ache, shake &
sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg
for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that
you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be
weak for days.
All my love,
The Swine FLU
If It Weren't For Guiness, The Irish Would Rule
work of Steven Wright, erudite scientist and
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace
2 - Borrow money from
pessimists -- They don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know
are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the
rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics
are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts
when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is
usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow,
you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in
telekinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get
the worm, but the second mouse gets the
11 - I almost had a psychic
girlfriend.....but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed
13 - How do you tell when
you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be
going well, you have obviously overlooked
15 - Depression is merely
anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming
your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse
for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the
future, laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live
forever......so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular,
why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but
weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get
scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I
couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
24 - Why do psychics have to
ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't
succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place
where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something
you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hard ness of the
butter is proportional to the softness of the
29 - To steal ideas from one
person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
30 - The problem with the gene
pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall
behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray
table, the more of your body is required to be
33 - Everyone has a
photographic memory; some just don't have
34 - If your car could travel
at the speed of light, would your headlights
35 - I woke up one morning and
all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced
by exact duplicates.
Politically Incorrect Chinese Proverbs
For those who don't know, it is not a slur to leave
out 'the', 'an' etc. from Chinese languages -
these languages don't contain those modifiers...
---- I kicked
Man who run in front of car get
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who walk through airport turnstile
sideways going to Bangkok
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite
Man who eat many prunes get good run for
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls
Panties not best thing on earth! But next
to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war
determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find
him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no
piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one
screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house
should change clothes in basement!
Man who fish in other man's well often
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
One of those stupid
"I ran over a fireman
because I'm sexy and I want to do that."
month you were born:
--- I loved
------ I smoked
------ I dry humped
-------- I choked on
------- I murdered
------- I did the Macarena with
----- I had lunch with
-- I danced with
---- I sang to
--- I yelled at
--- I ran over
day (number) you were born on:
my cell phone
my best friend's boyfriend
my science teacher
a stuffed animal
a baseball bat
a football player
a permanent marker
a homeless guy
color of shirt you are wearing:
----- because I'm cool like that.
----- because that's how I roll.
------ because I'm NOT a homosexual.
------- because the voices told me to.
------ because I'm sexy and I do what I
----- because I just gotta be me.
---- because I'm cool.
------ because I was drunk.
---- because someone offered me $1,000,000.
---- because I just don't like people.
----- because I was high.
----- because I'm a ninja.
------ because I can't control my self.
STAGES OF LIFE:
Here is the Mensa Invitational
which once again asked participants to take any
word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter -- and supply
a new definition. The 2007 winners are:
the act of buying or building a house, which
renders the subject financially impotent for an
indefinite period of time.
(n.): a person who's both stupid and an asshole.
euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts
until you realize that it was your money to
coming back to life as a hillbilly .
(n): the substance surrounding stupid people
that stops bright ideas from pen etrating. The
bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.
Caterpallor (n.): the color you turn after
finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
(n.): vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
(n.): the gulf between the author of sarcastic
wit and the person who doesn't get it.
to take coffee intravenously when you are
a degenerate disease.
It's when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes
and it's a serious bummer.
the grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
(n.): all talk and no action.
effect (n.): the tendency of stupid ideas to
seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
(n.): the frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot
be cast out.
Drinks Show Your Personality!
Before you order a drink in public, you should
read this! Seven New York City bartenders
were asked if they could 'nail' a woman's
personality based on what she drinks.
Though interviewed separately, they concurred on
almost all counts.
WOMEN-DRINKS, WHO THEY ARE, & YOU!
low-maintenance; down to earth.
Challenge her to a game of pool.
whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be
more refined, high maintenance, has
picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she
Approach: You won't have to approach her.
she'll send YOU a drink.
(does not include White Zinfandel)
and classy; sophisticated yet
Approach: Tell her you love to travel and
thinks she is classy and sophisticated,
she has NO clue.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she
be an easy target.
to hang with frat-boy pals and looking
get totally drunk... and naked.
Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You
Nothing to do but wait, however, be
not to make her mad!
explanations required - everyone just
KNOWS what happens there.
MAN-DRINKS & WHO THE MEN ARE!
He's poor and wants to get laid.
Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get
is hoping that the wine will give him a
image to help him get laid.
doesn't give a damn about anything but
is thinking he has a chance with the
Zinfandel: He's gay
Q. What is the difference
between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her
crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your
mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your
Q. What's the height of
A. Having an orgasm and
calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of
A. Jogging home from your
Q. What's the difference
between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually
search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how New
Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on
the back of the sheep that kick!
Q. Why is divorce so
A. Because it's worth it!
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie,
but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a
walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight
Q. What do a Christmas tree
and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for
Q.What is the difference
between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q: What's the difference
between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind
man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a
A: Kick his sister in the
Q: What's the difference
between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference
between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it
difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird
of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference
between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium,
eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their
eyes when they get up in the morning?
A .They don't have balls to
research shows that there are 7 kinds of
Sex: This kind of sex happens when you
first meet someone and you both have sex
until you are blue in the face.
Sex: This is when you have been with
your partner for a short time and you are so
excited you will have sex anywhere, even in
Sex: This is when you have been with
your partner for a long time. Your sex has
gotten routine and you usually have sex only
in your bedroom.
Sex: This is when you have been with
your partner for too long. When you pass
each other in the hallway you both say
Sex: Which means you get Nun in the
morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at
Sex: This is when you cannot stand
your wife any more. She takes you to
court and screws you in front of everyone.
And last, but
not least, Social Security Sex: You get a
little each month. But not enough to live
A Well-Aged Heine?
THIS PROBABLY EXPLAINS IT ALL...
SURVIVED the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and
survived being born to mothers who smoked
and/or drank while they were pregnant.
aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a
can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our
tummies in baby cribs covered with bright
colored lead-based paints.
We had no
childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or
cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no
helmets, not to mention, the risks we took
infants & children, we would ride in cars
with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts
or air bags.
the back of a pick-up truck on a warm day was
always a special treat.
water from the garden hose and NOT from a
one soft drink with four friends, from one
bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
cupcakes, white bread and real butter and
drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't
overweight because we were always outside
leave home in the morning and play all day, as
long as we were back when the streetlights
came on. No one was able to reach us all
day. And we were O.K.
run through the DDT fog when the mosquito
spray truck went through the neighborhood, and
spend hours building our go-carts out of
scraps and then ride down the hill, only to
find out we forgot the brakes. After running
into the bushes a few times, we learned to
solve the problem.
not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no
video games at all, no 150 channels on cable,
no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or
CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers,
no Internet or chat rooms... we had friends
and we went outside and found them!
out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth
and there were no lawsuits from these
worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the
worms did not live in us forever.
given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up
games with sticks and tennis balls and,
although we were told it would happen, we did
not put out very many eyes.
bikes or walked to a friend's house and
knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just
walked in and talked to them!
League had tryouts and not everyone made the
team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal
of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law
was unheard of. They actually sided with the
generations have produced some of the best
risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors
makes you want to run through the house with
scissors, doesn't it?!
YOU WILL NEVER
GET A CHAIN LETTER E-MAIL FROM THIS SITE!
BUT I GET
THEM ALL THE TIME, AND FIGURED I SHOULD SHARE
THEM WITH YOU...
I must send my thanks to
whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the
glue on envelopes because I now use a wet
towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I scrub the top of
every can I open for the same reason. I
no longer have any savings because I gave it
to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to
die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at
all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are
sending me for participating in their special
I no longer worry about my
soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted
my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because
their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing
deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.
I have learned that my prayers
only get answered if I forward an e-mail to
seven of my friends and make a wish within
I no longer drink Coca Cola
because I've learned that it can remove toilet
I no longer buy gasoline
without taking someone along to watch the car
so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat
when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr.
Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under
God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in
the microwave because it causes cancer.
I now know that I can't boil a cup water in
the microwave anymore because it will blow up
in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin
return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping
malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages
from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al
Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target
since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone
because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls
to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer have any sneakers
-- but that will change once I receive my free
replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive
cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
Thanks to my many Internet
friends, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine
because a big brown African spider is lurking
under the seat to cause me instant death when
it bites my butt.
And thanks to the great
advice, I will never pick up $5.00 I dropped
in the parking lot because it probably was
placed there by a sex molester waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail
to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land
on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon, and
the fleas from 12 camels will infest your
back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know
this will occur because it actually happened
to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
Have a wonderful day....
PS: A South American scientist
from Argentina, after a lengthy study,has
discovered that people with insufficient brain
and sexual activity read the web pages they
are surfing with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off
now, it's too late.
1. Fine: This is the word
women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is
getting dressed, 'five minutes' means at
least half an hour. Five minutes is only
five minutes if you have just been given
five more minutes to watch the game before
helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm
before the storm. This means something, and
you should definitely be on your toes.
Arguments that begin with 'nothing' usually
end in 'fine.'
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare,
not permission. Don't Do It!
5. Loud Sigh: This isn't
actually a word, but is a non-verbal
statement which is often misunderstood by
men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her
time standing here and arguing with you
about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the
meaning of 'nothing.')
6. That's Okay: This is one
of the most dangerous statements a woman can
make to a man. 'That's okay' means she wants
to think long and hard before deciding how
and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is
thanking you! Do not question, or
faint...just say 'you're welcome.'
8. Whatever: This is a
woman's way of saying 'up yours!'
9. Don't worry about it, I got
it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man
to do, more than likely several times, but is
now doing it herself. This will later result
in a man asking, 'What's wrong?' For the
woman's response, refer to #3.
OVERHEARD IN THE
1. "Take it easy, Doc.
You're boldly going where no man has gone
2. "Find Amelia Earhart
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are
we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas,
we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the
trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand
in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a
9. "If your hand doesn't
fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know
if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an
executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "Now I know why I am
13. "Could you write a
note for my wife saying that my head is not up
Doctors vs. Guns
(A) The number of physicians in
the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by
Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per
physician is 0.171.
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health
and Human Services.
(A) The number of gun owners in
the U.S. is 80,000,000.. (Yes, that's 80
(B) The number of accidental gun
deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental
deaths per gun owner is .000188.
Statistics courtesy of FBI
So, statistically, doctors are
approximately 9,000 times more dangerous
than gun owners. Remember, 'GUNS DON'T
KILL PEOPLE, DOCTORS DO!' Not everyone
has a gun, but almost everyone has at least
one Doctor. Please alert your friends
to this alarming threat. We must
ban Doctors before this gets completely out
P.S. Out of concern for the
public at large, I withheld the statistics
for fear the shock would cause
people to panic and seek medical attention.
This little animal is called a
Naked Mole-Rat, and is found in Africa.
if you are ever feeling sorry for yourself,
don't look like a penis with buck teeth...
I've often been asked, "What do
you do now that you're retired?"
Well, I don't have much of a
chemical background but one of the things I
enjoy the most is turning beer into urine.
A guy was driving around and saw a
sign in front of a house: 'Talking Dog for
He rings the bell and the owner
appears and tells him the dog is in the
The guy goes into the back yard
and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting
there. "You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Beagle replies.
After the guy recovers from the
shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So,
what's your story?"
The Beagle looks up and says,
"Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young.
"I wanted to help the government,
so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into
the toughest branch of the armed
services...the United States Marines.
You know one of their nicknames is 'The
"In no time at all, they had me
jetting from country to country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders; because
no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable
spies for eight years running, but the
jetting around really tired me out, and I
knew I wasn't getting any younger. So,
I decided to settle down.
"I retired from the Corps (8 dog
years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a
job at the airport to do some undercover
security, wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in. I
uncovered some incredible dealings and was
awarded a batch of medals. I got
married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm
The guy is amazed. He goes
back in and asks the owner what he wants for
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is
amazing! Why on earth are you selling
him so cheap?"
"Because he's such a liar ... He
never did any of that stuff. He was in
CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES
BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE
VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING
THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT
YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS
REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS.
REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM
CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER
AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE
YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF
LAXATIVES. YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND
DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVEAND SHOULD,
USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND
DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT
AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD
FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO
YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS
about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on
those little bottles of Evian water? Try
spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
If the Jacksonville Jaguars
are known as the "Jags" and theTampaBay
Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what
does that make the Tennessee Titans?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER
from diarrhea...does that mean that one
There are three religious
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the
leader of the Christian faith.
Baptists do not recognize each other in the
liquor store or at Hooters.
If people from Poland are
called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
Do infants enjoy infancy as
much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is
Why do croutons come in
airtight packages? Aren't they just stale
bread to begin with?
Why is a person who plays the
piano called a pianist but a person who
drives a racecar is not called a racist?
Why isn't the number 11
pronounced onety one?
If lawyers are disbarred and
clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians
denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed,
tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners
If Fed Ex and UPS were to
merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take
What hair color do they put
on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking about how
people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older; then it dawned on me
.....they're cramming for their final exam.
I thought about how mothers
feed their babies with tiny little spoons
and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese
mothers use? toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of
criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do, write to them? Why don't
they just put their pictures on the postage
stamps so the mailmen can look for them
while they deliver the mail?
If it's true that we are here
to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for?
You never really learn to
swear until you learn to drive.
Ever wonder what the speed of
lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
If a cow laughed, would milk
come out of her nose?
Whatever happened to
Preparations A through G?
As income tax time
approaches, did you ever notice: When you
put the two words "The" and "IRS" together
it spells "THEIRS"?
became confused when I heard these terms,
which reference the word 'service'.
Internal Revenue 'Service'
County Public 'Service'
This is not what I thought
'service' meant. But today, I overheard
two farmers talking, and one of them said
he had hired a bull to 'service' a few
cows. BAM!!! It all came into perspective.
I now understand what all those 'service'
agencies are doing to us.
I hope you are now as
enlightened as I am.
of us are old enough to appreciate these jokes
(served on DG in '70s).
Q: Where can men over the age of
60 find younger, sexy women who are interested
a bookstore-------under fiction.
What can a man do while his wife is going
busy. If you're handy with tools, you can
finish the basement. When you are done you
will have a place to live.
Someone has told me that menopause is
mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where
can it be found?
Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all
the way to Egypt .'
How can you increase the heart rate of your
60+ year old husband?
him you're pregnant.
How can you avoid that terrible curse of the
off your glasses
Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet
and all those wrinkles on my face?
braless. It will usually pull them out.
Why should 60+ year old people use valet
don't forget where they park your car.
Is it common for 60+ year olds to have
problems with short term memory storage?
memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a
As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
but usually in the afternoon.
Where should 60+ year olds look for eye
Q: What is the most common
remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter
I remember these.'
Those who jump off a bridge
in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable
Reading while sunbathing makes you well
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but
broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get
With her marriage, she got a new name and a
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down
All calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a
small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be
exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
NEW WALL STREET TERMS (October 2008)
HALLMARK CARD WRITERS HAVE A BAD DAY...
My tire was
thought it was flat
looked at the tire...
noticed your cat.
wife left you,
upset you must be.
don't fret about it...
moved in with me.
back over the years
we've been together,
help but wonder...
the Hell was I thinking?'
your wedding day!
no one likes your husband.
two people as beautiful as you
such an ugly baby?
wanted to have
having met you ..
changed my mind.
admit, you brought Religion into my life.
believed in Hell until I met you.
As the days
go by, I think of how lucky I am....
you're not here to ruin it for me.
you like to take this knife out of my back?
probably need it again.
Birthday, Uncle Dad!
in Tennessee, Arkansas ,
Kentucky & West Virginia )
look great for your age.
always said you'd die for me.
that we've broken up,
it's time you kept your promise.
been friends for a very long time ..
say we stop?
miserable without you
almost like you're here.
your new bundle of joy.
ever find out who the father was?
friends and I wanted to do
for your birthday.
we're having you put to sleep.
daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
the bright side,
really good pay
Why do we press harder on a
remote control when we know the batteries
are going dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on
'insufficient funds' when they know there is
not enough money?
Why does someone believe you
when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized
needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a
Why does Superman stop
bullets with his chest, but ducks when you
throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear
Whose idea was it to put an
'S' in the word 'lisp'?
Why is it that no matter what
color bubble bath you use the bubbles are
Is there ever a day that
mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly
return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running
over a string a dozen times with their
vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up,
examine it, then put it down to give the
vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag
will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get
into those enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you
attempt to catch something that's
falling off the table you always manage to
knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to
keep the house as warm as it was in summer
when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear
The statistics on sanity is
that one out of every four persons are
suffering from some sort of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends -- if
they're okay, then it's you.
--Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO-- Corporate Fraud
BULL MARKET -- A random
market movement causing an investor to mistake
himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to
18 month period when the kids get no allowance,
the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets
VALUE INVESTING -- The
art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The
percentage of investors wetting their pants as
the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my
broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR --
Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot
who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When
your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets
equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A
guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION --
The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The
movement your money makes as it disappears down
YAHOO -- What you yell
after selling it to some poor sucker for $240
WINDOWS -- What you
jump out of when you're the sucker who bought
Yahoo @ $240 per share.
-- Past year investor who's now locked up in a
PROFIT -- An archaic
word no longer in use.
Here is the Washington Post's Mensa
Invitational, which once again asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a
Here are the
(n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite
period of time.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax
refund, which lasts until you realize it was your
money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a
( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that
stops bright ideas from penetrating.
The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little
sign of breaking down in the near future.
Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
of getting laid.
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.
To take coffee intravenously when you are running
A degenerate disease. (This
one got extra credit.)
It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And
then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
(n): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things
that are good for you.
All talk and no action.
Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.
Fit (n): The frantic dance performed just after
walked through a spider web.
(n): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be
(n): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the
winning submissions to its yearly contest,
in which readers are asked to supply alternate
meanings for common words. And the
n. The person upon whom
adj. Appalled by
discovering how much weight one has
Abdicate, v. To
give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
v. To attempt an
explanation while drunk.
the door wearing only a
walk with a lisp.
n . Emergency vehicle
that picks up someone who has been run over by a
n. A rapidly receding
n. A humorous question
on an exam.
n. The formal,
dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
n. A Rastafarian
n. A person who
sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.
n. The belief that,
after death, the soul flies up
onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent. An
opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish
You have two
choices in life: You can stay single and be
miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong
finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong
inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted". Next day she
received a hundred letters. They all
said the same thing: "You can have
woman steals your husband, there is no
better revenge than to let her keep him.
A man is
incomplete until he is married. Then
he is finished.
boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it
cost to get married?" Father replied, "I
don't know son, I'm still paying."
son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some
parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife
until he marries her?" Dad replied,
"That happens in every country, son."
there was a woman who said, "I never knew
what real happiness was until I got
married, and by then, it was too late."
the triumph of imagination over
want your spouse to listen and pay strict
attention to every word you say -- talk in
think, if it weren't for marriage, men
would go through life thinking they had no
faults at all.
says, "My wife's an angel!" Second
guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still
and wife are waiting at the bus stop with
their nine children. A blind man joins
them after a few minutes. When the bus
arrives, they find it overloaded and only
the wife and the nine kids are able to fit
onto the bus. So the husband and the
blind man decide to walk. After a while,
the husband gets irritated by the ticking
of the stick of the blind man as he taps
it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why
don't you put a piece of rubber at the end
of your stick? That ticking sound is
driving me crazy." The blind man replies,
"If you had put a rubber at the end of
YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so
shut the hell up.