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From: Steve Forsberg (survivor of
the island supposedly called Diego Garcia)
Dear Mr. Morris,
I
thought you might be interested in a bit
of my research that will forever change
"trivia nights" on Diego Garcia. Did you
know that the island probably got its name
by mistake? No shit, and I'm not even
drunk! A lot of details are lost in the
mists of time, but here is the case:
The
island currently known as Diego Garcia was
probably discovered in 1512 by a famous
Portuguese captain named Pedro
Mascarenhas. Early in that year he was
sailing in an 'armada' (fleet) under the
aegis of one Dom Garcia de Noronhas, who
would later go on to be the Third Viceroy
of India (1538-1542). At the time,
Portuguese ships on their
way
to India would round the Cape Horn and
stick close to the coast of Africa on
their way north. They would then head East
across the Arabian Sea, sailing in between
the Laccadive and Maldive islands to the
Malabar coast of India. This was the
"tried and true" method of getting to
India. (I'll skip all the stuff about
monsoon winds and finding latitude since
todays sailors care not about such stuff
:-) ).
During
this trip, however, the fleet apparently
got word of problems in India. As usual,
some uppity native (this time Adil Shah)
was trying to kick the Portuguese out of
Goa, and Albuquerqe (a famous Portuguese
administrator) needed help. So , Pedro
Mascarenhas had his ship detached to hurry
to India, finding out if there was a
faster route than simply following the
African coastline northwards. Pedro sailed
East into uncharted waters, and then North
towards India.
On
the way he "discovered" (at least for the
Europeans) a number of islands. The
'Mascarene' Islands, of course, are named
after him, and he also apparently named
the Chagos archipelago and Peros Banhos.
But
what about that lovely little island that
would later become known as the "Footprint
of Freedom"? Apparently, it was called
"Dom Garcia", after Pedro's boss. That's
right, "Dom", not "Diego". Indeed, on most
maps from the 1500s the island is titled
"Dom Garcia". For example Ortelius and
Mercator had it called such.
Where
the heck did this "Diego" business come
from? The first map I've been able to find
with "Diego Garcia" (vice "Dom") is a 1599
chart of the world by Edward Wright. It is
very possible that he made a mistake in
copying off of Portuguese charts and that
English maps (increasingly in use)
carried on the mistake. It was apparently
common on
Portuguese
charts to use abbreviations, so "I. de D.
Garcia" may have been assumed to be
'Diego' instead of 'Dom'. While
speculative, this mistake may have been
further fueled by the fact that there was
a famous Portuguese
navigator/cartographer/instructor named
Diego Garcia de Palacios at about the same
timeframe. An English mapmaker, copying
from a language he might not have known,
might easily have assumed that the 'D.'
stood for the "Diego" he knew, rather than
the "Dom" he may never have heard of.
(Diego Garcia de Palacios apparently never
went to the East, but made trips to the
Carribean/Central America).
In
short, the island appears to have been
originally named "Dom Garcia" and was
marked as such on maps until about 1600,
when an English mapmaker called it "Diego
Garcia" for reasons we can only estimate.
There
is a possibility that the island was known
earlier to Arab navigators, or just
perhaps to Cheng-Ho the famous 14th
century Chinese sailor. I've yet to find
anything concrete that far back, however.
regards,
Steven
J Forsberg
The People's
Revolutionary Revisionist Educational Cooperative
Extention Council has Declared
that all citizens of the PPDRDG would
be given a standardized test...
Test Rules:
1. Do not attempt
to answer questions while drunk.
2. Do not scroll down to see
the answer until you are absolutely, positively
convinced you're too stupid to figure it out.
3. RTFQ! (read the fucking question!)
Test for Dementia
/ Alcohol Poisoning
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus
question. You have to answer them instantly. You
can't take your time, answer all of them
immediately. OK?
Ready? GO!!!
The First
Question
(remember, answer quickly)
You are participating in a race. You
overtake the second person. What position are
you in? (scroll down for the answer)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Answer: If you answered that you are
first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you
overtake the second person and you take his
place, you are second!
The Second
Question
(but don't take as much time as you
took for the first question, OK?)
Second Question: If you overtake
the last person in that race, then you
are...? (scroll down)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Answer: If you answered that you are
second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell
me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this, are you?
Third
Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This
must be done in your head only. Do NOT
use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add
another 1000 . Now add 30. Add another
1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add
10. What is the total? (Scroll down for
answer)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you get 5000? The correct
answer is actually 4100. If you don't
believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is
it? Maybe you'll get the last
question right.... ...Maybe.
Fourth
Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1.
Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the
name of the fifth daughter?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you Answer Nunu? Of course,
that is NOT the answer. Her name is
Mary. Remember - RTFQ!
Okay, now the
bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and
wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the
action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and! the
purchase is done. Next, a blind man comes
into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He just has to open his mouth and
ask... It's really very simple..... Like you!
SOBRIETY
CHECK!
So you weren't thinking straight on the
test above?
You'll know you've really had one too
many if you can't pass this test.
Find
the "C"
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Now,
find the "6"
999999999999999999999999
999999999999999999999999
999999999999999999999999
999999999999999999999999
999999999999999999999999
999999999999999999999999
999999999999999999999999
999999999999999999999999
999999999999999999999999
999999999999999999999999
999999999999999999999999
999999999999999999999999
999999999999999999999999
999999999999999999999999
999999999999999999999999
999999999999999699999999
999999999999999999999999
999999999999999999999999
Finally,
find the "N"
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMNMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
FOR YOUR MASTER'S DEGREE!
Which Citizen
rides a bicycle?
Which Citizen
drinks Straight Shots of Tequila?
Which Citizen
has a donkey?
This is a real test.
In format, it's identical to the ones on the
Quantitative section of the Graduate Record Exam.
Try it anyway! It's
fun.
Here are the clues, not
necessarily in any particular order:
Five Citizens of the PPDRDG decide
to build their own villiage.
There
are Hermit Crabs all over the Overturned Boat.
Each
Citizen has a different kind of pet (in defiance
of the BIOT Code and Law).
CMC Prickly lives in a
SEAHUT.
The
Tent is in the most northern position in
the new village.
One of the Quarters is
an overturned boat at the east end of the new
village.
The Overturned Boat is
next to the Hammock that another lives in.
Every week, the smell of
boiling Coconut Crab comes from the Tent.
The Coconut Crabs' owner
lives northeast of the Citizen who drinks Tiger
Beer.
Sweet Melissa lets her
pet Hermit Crabs crawl everywhere, but they always
hang around her quarters.
The Secret Russian Spy
raises Coconut Crabs.
The Citizen who lives in
the Sea Hut raises chickens.
The
Quarters of the new village are arranged in a
semicircle.
Royal Marine Quimby
rides the bus everywhere.
A Citizen who lives next
to The Secret Russian Spy drives a Pickup Truck.
CMC Prickly lives at the
West end of the new village.
The Citizen who lives in
the tent also drinks Johnny Walker Black.
A1C Dudley, USAF, is a
wuss who likes Boat Drinks.
Each
Citizen drinks a different kind of booze.
The Citizen who drinks
Tiger Beer raises cats.
The person who keeps
cats lives next door to the Quarters with the
Moonshine still.
CMC Prickly lives next
to the Citizen in the Single Room Shack.
The Citizen who walks
everywhere lives under the Boat.
Each
Citizen lives in their own, unique kind of
“Quarters”.
Royal Marine Quimby
lives next to CMC Prickly.
The Captain’s Stolen
Staff Car is parked in front of the Tent.
Each
Citizen has a different way of Getting Around the
Republic.
SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION,
AND TO CONTINUE THE TEST...
Answers:
Royal Marine Quimby likes little kittens, drinks
Tiger Beer, built himself a single room shack (for
him and his kittens) on the northwest edge of the
village, and rides the bus (since the other RMs
wouldn’t be caught dead in the same truck with
him).
The Secret Russian Spy keeps Coconut Crabs for
pets (and eats them, when they grow big enough),
and lives in a tent at the north end of the
village and rides around in the Staff Car he stole
from the Captain (who’s been compromised by their
homosexual relationship and won’t try to get the
car back).
CMC Prickly keeps Chickens, drinks Moonshine he
brews himself, lives in the SEAHUT at the West end
of the village and rides a bicycle
everywhere (one too many DWIs with all that
Moonshine, but, he’s close to retirement, so….)
Sweet Melissa loves to watch her Hermit Crabs
swap shells while she’s putting away straight shots
of Tequila until she
passes out under the boat at the east end of the
village. She walks off the drunk every
morning (and mid-morning, lunchtime, afternoon,
etc., etc.,….)
A1C Dudley, USAF, has a pet donkey,
since his neighbor, Sweet Melissa won't let him
under the boat. But he loves her, and orders
Boat Drinks whenever he sneaks into the Acey-Duecy
Club, lives in a hammock on the northeast end of
the village, and drives around in a pickup truck,
issued to him (as one is to every Air Force airman
on the island) immediately on his arrival (he flew
in first class on the freedom bird).
Well, did you get the right answers? Or did
you cheat?
GED-LEVEL
TEST QUESTION:
You are driving in a car at
a constant speed. On your left side is a
drop off (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level
you are traveling on), and on your right side is a
fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In
front of you is a galloping horse which is the same
size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind
you is another galloping horse. Both
horses are also traveling at the same speed as
you. What must you do to safely get out of this
highly dangerous situation?
For the answer, SCROLL DOWN
ANSWER: Get your
drunken ass off the merry-go-round.
Special Test Question:
ARE YOU A BOY OR A GIRL?
(look down...)
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I said, "LOOK DOWN", not SCROLL
DOWN!!
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