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Welcome to the free and independent Provisional People's Democratic Republic of Diego Garcia!
Our little island community (or commune!) is composed of many diverse and wonderful cultures. The experienced international traveler will tell you "they've got it all." Although American is the official language, if you listen closely you'll hear the beautiful strains of French Patois, Tagalog, Visayan, even English. Thousands of migrants from a third of a dozen nations arrive annually, drawn to this little corner of heaven by the clean air, sunshine and endless recreational opportunities. Ships of all descriptions call from ports shrouded in legend and secrecy. With thousands of international flights a year, the Diego Garcia Intergalactic Spaceport is the preferred destination of the "Jet Set" in the Indiana Jones Ocean. From this rich diversity of changing faces and ideas, and always with an eye to our history, the great Provisional People's government was born.
A SHORT HISTORY OF THE PPDRDG.
Our little atoll was discovered in 1501 by the great Spanish Navigator sailing for the Queen of Portugal, Don Diego Garcia de la Chevrolet Vega y Chili Concarne Concocion. "The Don," as he was affectionately known by his cabin boy, sailed his galleon, the Santa Catalina into the mouth of the lagoon between the outer islands of Number Two and Ka-Ka, in the early evening of Saint Valentine's Day. It is rumored the depth of this narrow passage sparked the name it now has ("The Deep Throat"), not the activities of the sailors on board the old Don's Galleon.
Running aground on what is now Red Snapper Reef, the ship was surrounded by the colorful canoes of the native inhabitants, who called themselves the "Nolackashackinup" islanders. Unfortunately, for these apparently very friendly people, the ship had recently made a port call in what the log called "The Sweet Sheep Islands." It is believed a disease carried by a crew member of the Santa Catalina ravaged the population, for when the next ship called on the island, no trace was found of inhabitants, except for mysterious coral totem-like poles that can still be seen marching in silent procession alongside the Cracked-Crab Highway.
The next page of our history was the arrival in 1767 of the infamous French Buccaneer Jacque Latrine. Arriving in his 24-gun cruiser, the "Ranceed Twalet", he promptly marooned a group of traveling musicians captured in a raid off the coast of Madagascar. These people became known as the Illinois Islanders. Sometime in the late 1780's (date unknown), Latrine reappeared, his pirating days over, and enslaved his former captives and settled down to a typical French colonial existence. He and his partners had the slaves build great coconut plantations, cutting down every hardwood tree on the island for lumber to be traded for more slaves from the Island of Mauritius (the French had imported the slaves to Mauritius to provide suitable game, after they had hunted the local turkey-like, but tasty, bird - the DoDo - to extinction). On Diego, this French desire for bizarre activities and cuisine resulted in the extinction of the Diego Garcian Giant Tortoise, two species of flightless birds, and fifteen species of giant land snails. In their place, Latrine imported and cultivated Sicilian donkeys and Abyssinian cats.
The British gained possession of the island in the Neopolitan Wars. The Great Sea Lord Nigel of Mugwump-on-the-Cuckold appeared with 30 Man-of-Wars at the mouth of the "The Back Door" in 1813 to end once and for all the French stranglehold on the area. Lord Nigel, in typical British colonial fashion, hung the now aged Latrine from the yardarm, and deported the remaining Frenchmen to Louisiana. The pitiful Illinois Islanders now labored for their British masters, building the famous Mustang Ranch, where for the next eight-score years British seamen were able to sample the most exquisitely anal pleasures to be found in the Indiana Jones Ocean.
During the period of British occupation, the island slumbered peacefully, oblivious of the outer world, while producing many billions of gallons of coconut oil annually, which was used primarily for shampoos for the upper classes back in the British Isles, and for sun-tan lotions for British soldiers guarding the future citizens of the great nation of Australia.
War visited the islands briefly in 1914. The German Commerce Raider "Ivan Bowski Von Bismark" sailed into Tuna Hunter Lagoon and sank 312 of the islander's dug out canoes. Careful marine salvage efforts raised one of these historically valuable relics recently, and it is now on permanent display in front of the Big Belly Boy's Club.
The British Era came to an end in March 1971, when fearsome US Navy Storm Troopers, the fearsome "Death Reef Division" of the fearsome "SeaBees" stormed ashore at Muff Diver's Landing. Confronted by overwhelming numbers, the British Labour government quickly signed a still-secret peace treaty, selling the island to President Nixon's Secretary for Shady Land Dealings, Bebe Reboso, for twenty-four dollars in beads and trinkets. Realising their mistake too late, in a desparate face-saving move, the British insisted on a token force to continue to appear to rule the island. (The descendents of this abandoned group now comprise one of two of the islands major political divisions--the Continous Party, headquartered across from Macy's. The other is the Naval Party, consisting of the Death Reef Division Survivors Association).
As a tragic consequence of the American invasion, the long suffering Illinois islanders were transported to the neighboring Great Chagos Bank, where they continued to slave for their former masters. Meanwhile, back at the heart of the Empire, in 1976, an MP of the Labour Party, in response to a pointed querry from the Tory side during Prime Minister's Question Time, announced that the Empire had freed the slaves in 1838, and it was now time to do so for the Illinois Islanders. So, the Labour government, which had just 10 years earlier nationalized the coconut industry and guaranteed the Illinoisians employment for life, told them that their employment was terminated, and as they were not land owners in the B.I.O.T., they must remove themselves to their "home of record." They were given a small bonus for their time, and sent to Mauritius, the home Latrine had captured their ancestors on over 200 years before.
The American period was marked by massive public works projects. Almost all man-made artifacts in the PPDRDG are from this time. These were constructed using at first drafted military laborers. Eventually, the Americans took a page from Latrine's book, and began employing slaves. Great slaving expeditions were made to the Philippines and, once again, to Mauritius. The hapless victims were forced to work at ridiculously low "wages," and allowed conjugal visits home but once a year.
It was in this atmosphere of oppression that the great Provisional People's
goverment finally overthrew the occupying powers and declared the island
free and independent. Now that we have completed our struggle, all
people on Don Diego Garcia are free to enjoy the pleasures of a true tropical
paradise. No longer must we work 60 hours a week, nor defer to the
orders of foreign police. All hail the ultimate utopia, the great
Provisional People's Democratic Republic of Diego Garcia!
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This, and everything else I write and every photo I produce is copyrighted by Ted A. Morris, Jr.