Sleep on the shelf in your closet.
Replace the closet door with a curtain.
Four hours after you go to sleep have your wife
whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your
eyes, and mumble, "Sorry, wrong rack."
Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across
the middle of your bathtub and move the shower
head down to chest level.
When you take showers, make sure you shut off the
water while soaping.
Every time there's a thunderstorm, go sit in a
wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can
until you're nauseous.
Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water
and set it to "High."
Don't watch TV except movies in the middle of the
night. Have your family vote on which movie
to watch, then show a different one.
Leave lawn mower running in your living room 24
hours a day for proper noise level.
Have the paper boy give you a haircut with dull
Once a week blow compressed air up through your
chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot
across and onto your neighbor's house. Laugh
at him when he curses you.
Buy a trash compactor but only use it once a
week. Store up garbage in your
Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut
butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread, if
anything. (Optional: Canned ravioli or
soup. Do not heat!)
Make up your family menu a week ahead of time
without looking in your food cabinets or
Set your alarm clock to go off at random times
during the night. When it goes off, jump out
of bed and get dressed as fast as you can, then
run out into your yard and break out the garden
Once a month take every major kitchen and laundry
appliance and electric garden tool you own
completely apart and then put them back
together. Do this every week
with your lawnmower.
Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to
sit for 5 or 6 hours before drinking.
Invite at least 5000 people you don't really like
to come and visit for about 6 months.
Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of
your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills on
your front and back doors so that you either trip
over the threshold or hit you head on the sill
every time you pass through one of them.
Lockwire the lugnuts on your car.
Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan
while it is baking. Then spread icing really thick
on one side to level off the top.
Every so often, throw your cat into the swimming
pool, shout "Man overboard, ship recovery!", run
into the kitchen and sweep all the
pots/pans/dishes/silverware off of the counter
onto the floor, then yell at your wife for not
having the place "stowed for sea."
Put on the headphones from your stereo (don't plug
them in). Go and stand in front of your
stove. Say (to nobody in particular) "Stove
manned and ready." Stand there for 3 or 4
hours. Say (once again to nobody in
particular) "Stove secured." Roll up the
headphone cord and put them away.
Put a lamp shade on your head, tuck your levi
trouser legs into the tops of your socks and sit
on the floor of your closet with the light out
until some one yells, "Secure from general
quarters". (PS: no smoking either.)
Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6
Run all of the piping and wires inside your house
on the outside of the walls.
Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your
basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint
the basement "deck gray."
Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best
clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find
the most run down, trashy bar you can, pay $10 per
beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the
On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your
water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on
Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees.
On Saturdays and Sundays declare to your entire
family that they used too much water during the
week, so all showering is secured.
Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling,
if you don't have a closet shelf.
Have your next door neighbor come over each day at
5 am, and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller
could hear it and shout "Reveille, Reveille, all
hands heave out and trice up."
Have your mother-in-law write down everything
she's going to do the following day, then have her
make you stand in the back yard at 6 am and read
it to you.
Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for
three days straight, then lock the bathroom door
for 12 hours, and hang a sign on it that reads
"Secured - contact OA DIV at X-3053."
Submit a request form to your father-in-law,
asking if it's ok for you to leave your house
before 3 pm.
Make your family qualify to operate all the
appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher operator,
blender technician, etc.)
Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire
pressure every 15 minutes.
Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before
going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is
properly "lit off".
Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and
sweep your driveway 3 times a day, whether they
need it or not.
Repaint your entire house once a
Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any
spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.
Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a
month, randomly losing every 5th item.
Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV,
but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.
Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.
Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of
Europe, and call it "world travel."
Spend 5 years working at McDonalds, but do NOT get
Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after
your neighbors have gone to bed.