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It's Been A Real Good Life So Far!
Who is the Shadowy Figure behind the
PEOPLES' PROVISIONAL DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC
of DIEGO GARCIA?

The Shadowy Figure Behind the PPDR of Diego Garcia

Please allow me to introduce myself.  I've been your President for Life since 1987, and have had this web site up and running since 1997. 
In that time, a lot of people have asked me sensitive, personal, and embarrassing questions about myself. 
So, here's a very, very brief rundown, with some photos, of my life and times.
First House
Humble Beginnings:  My Dad was a Sergeant in the USAF at the time I was born.  Dad, Mom, and I lived happily together in the trailer you see here.  That's me in the swing.

Top-Secret CIA LSD Experimenters

After high school, I was drafted.  My test scores were pretty high, so they gave me the choice of participating in the CIA's top-secret LSD experiments, or the DOE's top-secret above ground nuclear testing program.  Naturally, having graduated from the great State of California's public school system, I volunteered for the drug program.  Here I am, listening to a fire extinguisher, while my fellow soldiers contemplate their inner thoughts and fantasies, and a cow skull.

I enjoyed the LSD tests so much, I then volunteered for the nuke tests.  What better light show could any young soldier ever hope for?  That's me below.  Running to get to be first in line!

Top-Secret DOE/DOD Atom Bomb Blast Experiments
Thus ended my Army career.
No matter what they say, the Army really doesn't like volunteers.

Top-Secret Native-American Cult in Montana

After my discharge, I joined a cult in the mountains of Montana, which based it's beliefs on Native American folklore and myth.  I was the only brown-eyed cult member, and so didn't get to wear the cool headresses.  We lived in caves, just like paleo-indians.  That's me in my cave in the picture below.  There were two really cute girls that lived in the bottom cave.  But they never even said hello.  Then they left and a couple guys with beards and turbans moved in and they said they were just practicing for a plan they had for future cave dwelling.
Top-Secret Native-American Cult Bunker
After I hitchhiked back to civilization, the US government realized I had falsified a social security number, and otherwise tried to get around various laws and procedures to avoid going back to the Army.   The judge gave me the choice of a couple decades in someplace NOT like Lompoc, or joining the Marines.  Well, the Army hadn't been so bad, so I figured, what they hell, I'll be a Marine!

When they found out that I had learned a new language in the cult up in Montana, and that the enemy could not decode that language, they set me up as a "Code Talker" and put me in the battalion command post with a couple of radios and telephones.  As luck would have it, nobody else in the Marine Corps could de-code the language either, so communicating with the guys outside the wire got frustrating at times.  Here I am trying to coordinate counter battery fire during our top-secret war in South Thaibodia.

In a top-secret South Thaibodian command post


After I got back from that war, I was recruited by the Republican National Committee for a job as a plumber.  I completely misunderstood - I thought they wanted me to build a latrine or something.  So here I am doing the best I could with the materials at hand.
Overall, I guess I was lucky, because all those other plumbers wound up in prison, where they don't even have seats on the commodes.

Well, that job didn't last much longer than the Presidency, so I re-enlisted and was assigned to a special Recon outfit and sent to wreak havoc behind the lines during our support of the Republic of Tuva in it's unsuccessful revolt against the old USSR.  Here I am with local partisans taking pot shots at a Russian tank convoy with a musket.

Ambushing a Soviet Tank Column in the Republic of Tuva
Unfortunately, the tanks made a left turn, drove right up the mountain, killed my comrades and captured me.  They gave me the choice of being turned over to the local Mullah, or joining the world-wide communist conspiracy.  When I met this "holy man" he turned out to be one of those guys that took over that cave in Montana.

Not being interested in a radical vasectomy and beheading, which I had watched him perform on inattentive cult members all those years before, I signed on as a mercenary with the Kyrgyz S.S.R.  Here's me as a commie stooge (although I never met the other two):

Communist Stooge


Eventually I escaped by walking to Nepal across the Himalayas, and from there hired a junk to take me down the river to Rangoon where I caught a tramp steamer back to Vancouver and then slipped across the border into Washington State, where I learned to play guitar from Kurt Cobain's father.  I was never very good.  But neither was Nigel Cobain.  Or Kurt, really.  But this was back when you could still smoke in Seattle, so it was o.k.

Learning to play guitar from Kurt Cobain's father

One day my Dad, who by then was Chief of Staff of the US Air Force stopped in at the coffee shop where I was playing for tips and said, "Son, it's time you got a hair cut and got a real job.  So I'm promoting you to Lieutenant and sending you to pilot training."  Since I wasn't making a whole lot in tips, I thought that I might be up for a new adventure, so I got a pair of those cool teardrop sunglasses and learned to fly.

Yeah, that's right.  I fly jets.
After I learned to fly jets, the USAF decided they wanted me to fly falcons.  Here I am at Area 51 where my job was to chase little birds off the runway so the Jupiterian UFOs could safely land without sucking up feathers in those transwarp scramjet engines they use.  For some reason, small feathers and blobs of meat really screwed up those engines.
Ted at the top-secret Area 51
The Juperterians were pretty cool guys, being descended from Victorian Space Explorers.   Here's one of them with some of their minions who they recruit on their moon Titan.  They need little guys like that to work in the confined spaces of their spaceships, and to do all their typing.
Juperterian Spaceship Pilot and Minions

After a terrible accident in which several Juperterians were horribly disfigured by an out of control falcon and had to crash land in New Mexico, I decided it would be in my best interest to use my newfound skill to go to the most remote place on earth.  More remote that even the Kyrgyz S.S.R., Montana, or South Thaibodia.  So one day, my squadron scheduler sent me out there.  To Diego Garcia.

Handsom Middle Aged Pilot Arrives At Diego Garcia
When I landed, my airplane broke down.  The guy in charge out there said he'd had enough, and would I like to stay for awhile in his place?  Foolishly, I got drunk (the only legal drug I could find out there) and agreed.  After all, I was looking for a place to hide out for awhile anyway.
Did I ever mention that I really really like beer?
When I woke up around 4:00 the next afternoon, I was alone, and he was gone with my airplane.  So, I became the guy in charge of Diego Garcia for a year.  Here's a picture of me in charge.  See?  It says "Commander" right there on the door.
The Commander Of Diego Garcia
I stayed in charge until the public forgot all about New Mexico and spaceships.  When the next guy's plane broke down, I got him drunk and left him in my place.

After that, I took a sabatical, and became an iguana farmer in Panama.  Eventually I had to give it up because my iguanas ate all the marijuana growing in the neighboring fields, and the drug lords told me to "Get out gringo, just go.  While you still can."  I was sorry to leave, because those iguanas seemed so happy on my farm, and I was too.

Iguana farmer in Panama.  The Natives call it Gallina del Selva - Chicken of the Jungle.

After that, I started playing guitar for tips again, but without the same success I had before.  All those years of smoking ruined my voice, precluding me from winning a Grammy.  But I loved show business, so I became a talk radio personality.  That only lasted a couple months, basically because nobody in those days wanted to hear about those 2 guys in the cave in Montana, and that was about all I ever talked about.  You know, the ones who showed up in Tuva later on.

Talk Radio Personality
It turned out that those very same guys started causing trouble in Afghanistan, kicking stone Buddas out and  living in their caves, and all that.  Some of my former listeners convinced me to become intensely interested in killing them and all their friends.  So I got a job with a small company that was looking for killers, and I figured I was the right guy for the job.

Gangster for Capitalism.

We killed a lot of bad guys at first.  Blew up them and all their buddies.   Eventually, though,  we got outmanuevered by the bureaucrats and lawyers.

Here's the way I saw it:  The mass of bureaucrats who had made all the institutional mistakes that got my good ol' USA in the 9-11 mess were replaced with gung-ho types at first, but after a year or two, the 'crats came back from their caves with their lawyers, took over all the government agencies again and bogged down the whole process of winning against a terrible and determined enemy.

Here I am with a couple of the guys who had a part in keeping us in the Stans and SWA longer than we were in WWII.  Not shown are their minions, who are about as capable as the ones from Titan, being able to type and all.  Only they can speak English and create PowerPoint presentations, which makes them doubly dangerous.

Getting ready to brief the SECAF

Getting ready to brief CENTCOM

Of course, I foolishly said things like that out loud.  So they transfered me to a job checking the parking meters on the main drag in Fallujah.  Here I am looking for my ticket book to give this IED laden truck a ticket for illegal parking.  Back in the day, we would have blown it to hell when it drove up but by the time this picture was taken, we'd been restricted to issuing parking tickets, unless the bomb went off, in which case we'd ask around to see if any of the neighbors (who might still be alive) had seen anything suspicious earlier.  Personally I liked it a lot better when my choices were acid or nukes.

Meter Maid duties in Fallujah
Oh, one other thing.  In Southwest Asia, General Order #1 says you can't have or do anything that might irritate the local folks.  So this is the first war we've had to fight sober and without any pornography.  We can see on the news every day that the local folks are very pleased we aren't doing anything to demean their religion, like drinking a beer after work or reading Playboy, and treat us appropriately.

Eventually we all figured I should retire, so that's about all there is to tell of my life's story.  If you want to contact me, have at it.  If you stop by, I'll let you buy me and my dog a beer.  Did I ever mention that we really like beer?

 
 
Really, that's it.
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Copyright 2009 by Ted A. Morris, Jr.