The Museum of Taste presents

Philosophical Lists

Thanks to
The Steven Wright School of Questionable Philosophy
for much of this material:

If electricity comes from the movement of electrons,
does morality come from the movement of morons?

Why do they have braille on the buttons on the drive-up ATMs?

Does going to church make a person a Christian,
any more than going to McDonald's makes a person a hamburger?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

If a funeral procession is at night,
do you drive with lights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a man speaks in the forest and there is
no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him
he has the right to remain silent?

Why is the word "abbreviation" so long?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

What do you do with an endangered
animal that eats only endangered plants?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

When they ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Do they have reserved parking for
non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed,
here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner!
No purchase necessary.
Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

Some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert
(Printed on the bottom of the box):
Do not turn upside down.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating

On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery

On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: may cause drowsiness

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use

On Sainsbury's Peanuts
Warning: contains nuts

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands

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