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Disclaimer: This story is written for the private entertainment of fans. The author makes no claims to the series' characters by the creation of this story. Fraser, Vecchio, Kowalski et.al. belong to Alliance, Paul Haggis and all the creative genius who made this show so special. No infringement of any copyrights held by CBS, Alliance, CTV, TNT or any other copyright holders of due SOUTH is intended. No money being made here.

Note to the Readers: Blame this one on the kids. You know those stories... The one that started it all, "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie", then there was "If You Give a Moose a Muffin", and my son just finished reading "If You Give a Pig a Pancake". Well, they were talking about titles for such stories and one of them piped up with "If You Give a Man a Pan". Well, naaaaaaaaturally I thought of Turnbull!
I hope you enjoy. Feedback is always welcome. 'Thank you kindly!'

due SOUTH:
If You Give a Man a Pan...

By: Janice R. Sager
E-Mail Me

To: Whomever replaces me as Chief Liaison Officer of the Chicago Consulate
From: Inspector Thatcher upon my transfer to CSIS

Re: A confidential warning!

If you give a man a pan...
        he's going to want to cook.
So you'll take him to the kitchen.
And when he's in the kitchen,
        he'll look for ingredients.
The search itself will be inspiring,
        but he'll decide something vital is missing!
And so you'll take him to the store.
Only the best ingredients will do.
        Going up and down the aisles will give him ideas for dessert!
So you'll deplete the Consulate petty-cash to pay the grocery bill.
Once back in the kitchen he'll set quickly to work,
        tossing flour and eggs and pans in the air.
And he'll put something in the oven to cook.
Then he'll notice a smudge on his bright red serge uniform,
        and he'll want to wash it immediately!
But he won't want to do such a small load,
        so he'll scavenge the Consulate looking for dirty table runners and doilies and your favorite scarf.
And in the process he'll discover dust bunnies living under the bed in the Queen's Bedroom!
        He'll want to eradicate them at once!
So he'll drag out the dust mop but that only moves the dirt around,
        so he's going to want the vacuum.
Not wanting to soil his uniform further,
        he'll don an apron over his boxers and henley.
Then you can enjoy the sight of this scantily clad Mountie,
        as he proceeds to clean the Consulate's every nook and cranny.
And when he's in the front lobby,
        he'll smell his Epicurean creation burning!
And he'll dash back into the kitchen,
        to find smoke billowing from the oven.
And he'll grab a fire extinguisher,
        and thoroughly douse the oven (and the entire kitchen of course!)
And seeing the mess,
        he'll most humbly apologize.
And you'll see those sad, blue eyes and not yell,
        as he sets immediately to work cleaning once more.
And when he's done,
        he'll want to take out the garbage.
But he can't do that dressed in boxers and an apron,
        so he'll remember the uniform he was washing.
And he'll go to the laundry room,
        only to realize he used too much soap!
And you'll watch him dive into a mountain of suds,
        and emerge covered in bubbles but holding the laundry.
He'll want to clean up this mess too.
And you'll be amazed at how clean the laundry room is when he's done,
        and admire how he looks in a wet apron and boxer shorts!
And he'll want to rinse the sudsy clothes in a sink,
        so he'll go to the kitchen.
And if he goes to the kitchen,
        he'll remember he wanted to cook dinner.
And if he wants to cook,
        he'll ask for a pan...

Do yourself a favor and hit him over the head with it!
The end
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